This is Not What I Had Planned || Joshler [Completed]

26: In Too Deep

A/N
Sorry this update took so long. Either the next chapter or the one after that will be the last one in this book. Not quite sure yet.
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I called up Hayley and waited for her to answer.

"Hey, Josh!" she said happily into the phone. Her voice made me smile.

"Hey!"

"What's up?"

"I feel like we haven't hung out in a while. Do you wanna meet up for drinks or dinner or something?"

"Sure! Just the two of us or with Tyler too?" As she mentioned him my heart sank a bit.

"Just us."

"Okay, cool. How about 6:30 at Jerry's?"

"Sounds great! See ya then!"

I went into the bedroom to get ready. I put on some music as I began going through my clothes. I sang along to the music and tapped my hand against the closet door.

The faster we're falling
We're stopping and stalling
We're running in circles again
Just as things we're looking up
You said it wasn't good enough
But still we're trying one more time

The song reminded me of high school. Sum 41 was one of the "angsty" bands I'd listen to when I was mad or sad. I listened to them a lot with Ryan. They reminded me of him.

•••
And I hate it when you fake it
You can't hide it you might as well embrace it
So believe me it's not easy
It seems that something's telling me

"This song is really good!" Ryan exclaimed. He took my phone from me to look at the title. "In Too Deep."

"Yeah I really like the drums in it."

"They're pretty good."

Another song came on and we kept talking. Music was one of the things we could spend all day talking about. We listened to some punk playlist for the rest of the afternoon. My mom had come in and asked us to turn it down a few times.

Well, loose ends tied in knots
Leaving a lump down in my throat
I'm gagging on a souvenir
Live to fill another year
Well, drag it on and on until my skin is ripped to shreds
Leaving myself open wide
Living out a sacrifice

I asked him, "What would you change about your life if you could?" We always somehow ended up having weird and deep conversations. Music just brought us there.

"I'd make it so I wasn't picked on anymore. I'd take away my depression. I'd solve my parents issues. I'd make it so I could afford college next year." He paused. I knew he was trying not to cry. "I'd change a lot of things. What about you?"

"I'd make it so you didn't have depression. I'd make it so I didn't have anxiety. I'd make myself straight."

"Why would you want to be straight?" Ryan asked. "You always seem so proud of your sexuality."

"That's kind of just a front," I admitted. "I hate it. It just makes me more of a target for the assholes of the world. And since I'm one of the only 2 openly gay people at our school, it's hard to really feel accepted."

"You know that I accept you."

"I know," I said. "I wish more people were like you."
••

The memory faded away and I was snapped back into reality. Ryan was gone. I was on the verge of tears.

I checked my phone and realized it was already 6. I got dressed quickly and filled Aurora's food and water bowls before leaving.

-------

"Sorry I'm late," I said. Hayley told me not to worry about it and said that she went ahead and ordered me a beer.

"So, what got you so distracted?"

"I was just," I started. I couldn't finish. The truth was still painful. "I was listening to music and lost track of time."

"Okay," she said.

We caught up and ate and laughed. I'd missed talking to her. It had been so long since I'd hung out with any of our friends. I think Tyler's first concert was the last time I saw Hayley and Patrick and that was a month ago.

"Where's Tyler tonight?"

"Um, honestly? I don't know."

"Seriously?" she asked. I nodded and she frowned. "Is everything okay between you guys?"

"I don't know," I sighed. I hated that I kept saying that. "I just feel like we're drifting. I never see him anymore. He's always writing at some coffee shop or performing at some bar or hanging out with Gerard or Pete."

"I'm sorry," she said. She meant it. Hayley was one of the few people that was always honest with me. She was honest with everyone.

"It's fine," I lied. "I'm sure we'll figure it out."

"I'm sure," she agreed. Luckily, she changed the subject after that.