This is Not What I Had Planned || Joshler [Completed]

22: Fall Away

✮Tyler's POV✮

I opened my eyes and frowned. I'd just been laying in silence. I didn't know how much time had passed. I just wanted to sleep, but my thoughts were getting the better of me.

It had been a while since this last happened. I'd been getting better. I knew that with the warm months ending and the colder ones beginning this was more likely to happen. But I was hoping it wouldn't.

I got out of bed as quietly as I could. I didn't want to bother Josh. He wouldn't want to deal with me right now anyway.

I picked up my new notebook on the way out. Luckily, I kept a pen in the spine. I closed the bedroom door and walked to the kitchen. I turned on the coffee machine. I knew that the only thing that might help would be to just embrace it.

I drank my coffee black. I opened my notebook to a fresh page. My hand paused a centimeter above the  page before beginning to spill out my thoughts. I made spelling mistakes but I knew that once it was edited I could use it in some way.

I'll try to delay what you make of my life
But I don't want your way
I want mine
I'm dying and I'm trying
But believe me I'm fine
But I'm lying
I'm so very far from fine

I sniffled and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. Why was I crying? Why was I writing these things? I really thought that I was getting better.

And I
I can feel the pull begin
Feel my conscience wearing thin
And my skin
It will start to break up and fall apart

I had been so much better with Josh. I hadn't had any huge emotional breakdowns since we graduated. I didn't know where these words were coming from.

I don't wanna fall, fall away
I'll keep the lights on in this place
Cause I don't wanna fall, fall away

What was I so afraid of losing?

I took a long sip of my coffee. I tried to just ease my mind and ride along. My thoughts were going to escape whether I understood them or not.

I thought about the last time that this happened. It was a week after we moved into our apartment.

"Tyler?" Josh's voice was groggy but I could barely hear. My pulse was pounding in my ears. I felt his hand on my shoulder. I was sitting upright in bed, breathing heavily. I looked back at him. His eyes were so full of worry. "What's wrong?"

"I- um, I don't know," I replied, quietly. I rubbed my eyes and sighed. "I don't really remember falling asleep or waking up." Josh sat up and held my face in his hands.

"Just breathe, okay? You're gonna be okay." He smoothed my hair a bit before kissing my cheekbone. I felt myself relax under his warm lips.

I snapped back into my reality. I was alone in the kitchen. Josh was fast asleep. He'd gotten so much better but I was still damaged.

I tried to shake away the bad thoughts. I knew they weren't true. Josh loved me. I was just crazy.

I poured the rest of my coffee down the drain. I'd have to give up. At least for tonight. I opened the bedroom door again and Josh rolled over in bed.

"Tyler? Is that you?" He rubbed his eyes and blinked at me a few times. He squinted against the hallway light that poured into the room. "Why are you up?"

"It's nothing. I just had to go to the bathroom." Josh sighed and laid back down.

"Oh, okay. I was worried something was wrong." I almost told him the truth.

"Sorry."

"Just come back to bed," he said. He lifted the cover for me to slide join him. I slid into his arms and he held me tight. His arms always eased me. He was holding me safely against his chest. I kissed his neck before trying to fall asleep again. His chest fell slower and slower and his grip loosened around me.

"I love you," I whispered. He didn't answer and I figured that he had fallen asleep.

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A/N
I know this isn't a super long chapter BUT I got an awesome idea for the rest of this story so hopefully that goes to plan

Thanks for sticking around despite how bad I am at updating ❤️