haunted (S.M)

twenty seven

"Do you love him?" Nate asks me, as I sit beside him on the sofa.

I don't reply.

"So, you do." He answers his own question.

"I never said that-" I begin, but he cuts me off.

"You didn't have to."

I look to him, his eyes meeting mine and softening, almost in a pitiful way.

"I can't help it." I sigh.

"Why would you want to? If I met someone I loved I would never stop, I wouldn't deny myself it just for the 'what if's' to always be in the back of my mind." He replies, giving a small smile.

"It's not the same, we have history." I mumble, looking back to my lap in defeat.

"Even more the reason to try-don't let go of something you had for so long just 'cause you think that's what right, sometimes what you think are the wrong things turn out to be right." He wisely says, with a persuasive tone.

"You should write a book." I chuckle, making him smile.

I walk in to the building, groups of people swarming past me, they appear in a blur of colour and leave just as soon as they come. I search, awkwardly, for him and eventually find him sitting at a coffee table, scrolling on his phone and eating a sandwich. I walk towards him, trying to appear confident but feeling pretty small as his eyes meet mine.

"Hi." I breathe out, my voice shaky.

He seems surprised, "hey."

"I-Harry said you'd be here, so-I just, I wanted to talk." I mumble, avoiding his eyes.

"Talk?" He asks, as I sit across from him.

"Ask me again." I sigh, after a minute of silence.

"Ask you what?" He replies, placing his phone down.

"Ask me what you asked me last night, ask me how I've been." I say.

He lets out a nervous breath before replying, "how have you been?"

"I don't know-the past two years have felt like a blur, like I didn't just live two years and, funnily enough, the year I spent with you felt like the longest part of my life...it feels like I've been living everyday out of the loop, I don't even remember the last time I felt full because I don't anymore and I know what I did was fucking selfish but you have to know I did it because I thought it was what was best and I hold my fucking hands up and admit that it wasn't but, y'know what? I'm willing to admit that, I fucked up and I have paid the price for the last two years and I have regretted leaving every second of every day but I am not the same person as I was anymore, Si-I'm a different person and I don't know if I want you to love who I am right now." I reel off the speech I'd practised in my car for twenty minutes prior to me entering the cafe.

"There is no version of you I wouldn't love, Addie." He whispers to me, almost immediately. 

I look away, in fear of crying, "I don't want to be a burden to you, Simon."

He lets out an annoyed breath, "how many times do I have to tell you before you realise that I love you because you don't care what people think, because you wear my t-shirts and look amazing in them, because you make me laugh more than anyone I've ever met, you are so full of love but you're so full of fear and I don't mind, I just want you to trust me enough to know that I will be there for you every time you need me, even if you don't want me to be, I will-because that's what I want to do."

"I'm supposed to be going back home with Max tomorrow." I finally look up to his eyes and find them locked on mine.

His eyes sadden before he replies, "so, is this it? Is this our goodbye?"

"I don't know." I shake my head.

"It's okay to go Addie, it's okay to not want me, but don't be a stranger, yeah?" He offers a smile to which I return.

I stand up, as does he and walk to him. His arms wrap around my waist and I cuddle in to his neck. It feels all too familiar and I mould in to him like I did so many times before, his arms wrap tighter around me, almost like he's afraid I'm not real and I'll disappear like I did before. I pull away and place a kiss on to his cheek.

"Bye, Simon." I mumble, before turning and walking away, not wanting him to see me cry. 

"Have you got everything?" I ask Max as I start the car up.

"For the millionth time, yes." She sighs, typing on her phone as I pull away from the curb and begin the long journey home.

"Oh, Nate told me to ask you if you decided? Whatever that means." She shrugs, reading a text from her brother.

I never told Max about Simon, only Nate, I was worried she'd try to change my mind for me, she's good at that. Sometimes it's better to keep her in the dark and this is one of those times.

"Yeah, tell him I did." I nod, as I drive down the motorway.

"Decided what?" She asks.

"Oh, nothing important, just school stuff." I casually lie.

"Boring." She laughs.

"Yeah, tell me about it." I agree, smiling.

I lay awake, staring at the ceiling. I wonder if I stare long enough, if it'll just collapse and bury me beneath the rubble. I wish it would. Maybe it would mask the desire I have to cry and to let out a breath without having to bite my lip to stop my voice cracking and my eyes spurting tears like a broken tap. I feel a sudden chill sweep the room and haul my body up, grabbing a hoodie from the pile of washing which sits upon my dresser and switch it for the t-shirt I was wearing. I go to walk back to my bed, but a gnawing feeling eats at my stomach. I reach for my phone and swipe to unlock it, finding Simon's contact still where it's always been. I nervously twiddle my thumbs as I try to type a message to him. I finally find my confidence and type:

Addie: I don't want it to be goodbye.

I wake up to find Simon hasn't replied to my message, but that's not unusual since it's seven in the morning. I get up and quickly change before heading out of the door. The morning breeze causes my hairs to stand on edge and goosebumps to litter my pale skin. I follow whatever way my feet decide to take me and consider not going back to the flat, not going back to my life and just escaping forever but know how ridiculous and unrealistic that sounds. I wish I could just disappear and not be remembered, that would be much easier than being remembered. Much easier than being an issue for people. My phone buzzes and I slide it out of my pocket and see it's from Simon, I open the message:

Simon: I do. 

I stare at the message. The two words run around my head like a cat chasing a mouse, like a tornado taunting me over and over. He's over me. He's over us. 

I can't say I blame him.

So, I won't.

A/N I APOLOGISE

I KNOW, LIKE TWO MONTHS OF NOT UPLOADING? I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON I KNOW BUT OKAY SO DON'T BE MAD.

I'VE FINISHED MY GCSE'S AND (somehow) MANAGED TO PASS THEM ALL YES GUYSSSSS, SO NOW I'M DOING A-LEVELS IN PSYCHOLOGY, ENGLISH AND DRAMA AND MY SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY IS NEXT WEEKEND AND LIFE HAS BEEN SO BUSY THAT I HONESTLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS BOOK BUT DON'T WORRY, I'M BACK AND READY TO WRITE

how have you guys been anyways? I've been pretty tired and stressed but I'm also obsessed with the new kingsman film (Taron Egerton marry me pls) and with the fact that it's Halloween in a month YEEEEESSSSS

so yeah, sorry again guys, pls don't be mad:)

(NOT PROOF READ STILL, HAHAHHAH)

L x