Behind the bars ♡ muke

1ϟ5

tw: cancer

1.2.2020, Now

Michael spared no time. He tore up the envelope number two quickly, almost tearing the letter itself in the process.

This was a level of desperate he never wanted to feel again. The last time he felt the same level of desperation similar to this one was when he made Luke upset and the younger man would parade around their apartment naked. Back then it didn't upset him that he couldn't touch Luke, but it did break his heart when Luke was clearly cold, shivering naked on their sofa, only a thin blanket covering his body. Michael wanted nothing more but to wrap himself around him and make him as warm as Michael felt inside when they kissed.

This time the handwriting was much neater compared to the ending of the one he just finished.

Hi, Mikey.

I feel kind of stupid thinking you'll actually read these letters.

I fell asleep crying last night but I feel better now.

Honestly, I didn't really sleep and I haven't been sleeping that well since you went away. I never told you this but I used to have terrible nightmares. Normally I dreamt about failure and being alone but those dreams stopped when you came around.

Your snores were the best remedy for my anxiety that kept me awake at night.

But back to the story.

After we came back from the trip we immediately went to visit your mum. I never talked to her when we were away, she only texted me every now and then asking how we are. I knew she was asking only to hear how you were doing.

It was like déjà vu when we were sitting in your car in the hospital's parking house. I knew you had something to tell me so I just waited patiently for you to start the conversation.

5.9.2017, 191 days before

"You know I love you no matter what?"

Michael turned to Luke and offered him a big smile. It wasn't quite like the smiles they exchanged in Europe and Luke could live with that. As long as Michael was smiling.

"Would you mind waiting here for a bit?" Michael asked. "Not here but like, would you let me talk to my mum alone?"

The blue-eyed man reached over and took Michael's hand in his. "I can go back home and pick you up when you're done if that's what you want."

Michael quickly shook his head. "I need you. I just know that something is wrong and I know she won't tell me what it is in front of you."

Luke leaned over and kissed Michael's cheek. "Whatever it is, we'll deal with it together."

I didn't trust myself either when I said those words. Of course, I had every intention of keeping my promise. On the other hand that was the first time I truly doubted myself. I knew I'll stay with you until the day you'd tell me to leave but I wasn't sure I could keep those smiles real.

I lied to you.

I knew your mother wasn't getting better long before she told you.

The day you found out about her leukemia I held you while you cried.

Have I ever regretted not telling you sooner? No.

If I knew, the doctors knew and Karen knew as well.

I went to visit her while you were at work and she made me promise to take care of you. And I like to believe I did my best for as long as I could.

Heavy tears dropped on Michael's uniform.

Why was Luke writing all these memories knowing they'll cause him pain?

Her surgery was in a month, luckily they've found a donor soon enough. It killed you that you weren't a match but I was actually relieved. You were in enough mental pain I knew you couldn't go through a procedure that hard.

I have somewhere to be right now but I'll write soon.

Love, Luke

p.s.: I'm back. I had a meeting with Mali Hood. I did something stupid and I'm not sure I can fix it.

ϟϟϟ

I never went this long without writing and I come back to writing angst. And you know what I have to write tomorrow? More angst.

Do you have any more speculations now?

I definitely won't write in detail about sad things.

Would you be mad at Luke if you were Michael for not telling him about his mum getting worse?

Love, Lucija ♡