Diary Kind of Thing

September 1, 2017

AHHHHHH! GUYS!!! Neopets is still around! I can't believe it!

I used to have a Neopet when I was like seven. Six years ago. My Neopet is long dead. But  I created a new account and my Neopet will probably die again cause I will forget to check it periodically. Oops.

Also my birthday is coming up. Not gonna tell ya when, but yeah. I'm not excited. I don't like growing up. Anyway, BAI!

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...It's the first time I've fallen in a while... I don't mean I tripped. I broke. I haven't cried in a while. Tears have come to my eyes, but they have not fallen. I tried. Depression got to me. *puts head in hands* I tried so hard to be happy for everyone because that's what they want. What they need. And I delivered. But I shattered under the weight of it all. Now, as I say in all of my depressing rants, I know I don't have it as bad as some of you. I understand that a lot of others are going through so much worse. And that's part of the reason I tried to be so OK for everyone. I don't mean to guilt trip anyone, this isn't anyone's fault. But I need to vent. I'm not suicidal and never will be. I feel like I have been holding up so much weight of trying to make people happy and trying to help people cope. I won't stop and no one can make/convince me to. I am going to help anyone I can. It's just, at night, I'm such a different person. In the day, my friends can tell you that I am a happy and supportive person. But at night, a monster breaks loose. Depression takes over and I wonder what the heck I am doing with my life. I think of the day and think of what I regret most. I felt myself slowly shattering over time. Like a coffee table that was used way too much. I feel like it's all a lie. I try helping so many people at once. And to those of you I am helping who may read this, I will continue to help you. My sh** can wait. But I feel like I need to take care of everyone first. I keep pushing myself down into the depths so others can rise out of the bottomless pit and live their lives as I drag myself to the surface and take a breather for a moment. I have grown tired of always going on my computer, saying hi to a few friends, then watching youtube. The stupid vines that still make me laugh has grown tiresome to watch. I'm almost thirteen and everyone is like "What do you want to do with your life?" "You got to start planning for college!" "What career path you looking at?" And I just want to scream. Anxiety has been beating me senseless recently and I don't know how to summon the strength to fight back. I am happy most times. If I ever post some of my poems from class, you will see my darkest sides. I hate when people tell me to be happy. My mom has told me that my poems need to be happier. I told her word for word, "I don't know how." I can't write happy things. I've tried. They all end up having a dark inside joke or ending and I can't change that. My teacher has told us to write a poem for our journal. I sat and stared at the page because I had no idea what to write, because at that time, I was pretty happy. Depression had gone into hibernation for a bit. This got really ranty and I'm sorry. If you made it this far, thanks I guess. This is my only place to rant. Also, am I the only one who feels like if I say something that is truthful about our world today or something that I think about our world today that I will get shut down instantly and yelled at? The adults today take one look at ages 5-14 and shut us down. They think we don't know what's going on. They think we are completely oblivious to what's going on with the elections, the rallies, the protests, the wars. You can put as many parental blocks on our technology as you want. These things still leak through. We understand and are making our own views out of it all and NONE OF YOU STUPID ADULTS CARE! WE KNOW A LOT, AND YOU DON'T GIVE TWO F****! *ahem* Sorry for the yelling and the swearing. This is the first time you will ever see cursing on my account. I try to keep it as clean as possible. But I am just so fed up with this all. Anyway, I'm going to go scope out all the dirty jokes in the new Mermaid Tales ep and try to push away from depression for tonight. Bye.