Purity (Needs to be edited, ON HOLD)

Chapter 35

Spencer

I go through more letters my heart shattering with each of them.

I open one of the last ones he sends

October 27th 2009

Spencer,

I can't do this anymore Spence. I need you here. I miss you. I know i messed up okay i get if You're mad but please, i'm trying.

I'm broken every day here without you.
I can't do this anymore. Don't you understand? I realized i messed up, i realized i hurt you. I made the biggest mistake letting you go, letting the family we created go. I get that! I know it was later then you wanted but i'm here and im sorry.

Spence, please i need you. I need you in my life, you made me such a better person, you helped define me. I need you, i need you here, i need our kids here.

I'm going crazy Spence, i can't take this.
I just keep thinking that i have a chance to get you back and i'm trying, but you have to work with me too.

I keep thinking this is a nightmare but when i go home or downstairs i can never find you there.

My whole life i was alone. And with you i was out of the dark, but i'm back there and i'm burried deeper. You are my light Spence, my only escape from the dark world around me. I'm sorry for not treating you right, for taking advantage of your kindess and love for me.

I'm so sorry. Every day i hate myself because of what i did. Please Spencer give me just one more chance.

I love you Spencer, with all my heart, which is why i want to marry you.

I can't picture my life without you, i want you Forever. I am asking you Spencer Jill Hastings to give me one last chance, as i have come to my sense and want to do this right. I want to spend everyday with you. i want you to be mine, i want to call you mine and let everyone know it when they see you . from miles away i want it to stand out. I want them to know how lucky i am to have you with a promise.

I've been thinking about this for months. Obviously this is not the most ideal way to do this, but i have to. It's eating at me. So...

Spencer Jill Hastings, Will You Marry Me???

-Toby

I drop the letter, sobbing.

"Why didn't i fucking just read it. I'm filled with so much fucking pride!" i spit.

I hate myself for this.

I could've been in Hanna's shoes, i could've been together as a proper family, but no.

I could've had everything i wanted if i just sucked up my pride and opened the letters.

But nope, dumb me. This is what you get Spencer. Years of emptiness, all on your costs.

Spencer gathers her stuff. Not wanting to read the rest of the letters in public, knowing everyone thinks she's insane and she knows her outburst will only get worse.

On her drive home Spencer thinks about what her life could be like if she had said yes.

---Imagination----

"Daddy, can you help me?" Amber asks her dad

"Sure thing princess" Toby smiles as he sits beside her at the table helping her with her homework.

"Roshaun!" i yell "did you finish your math?"

"Yes mom" he responds.

"Alright come down, dinner is almost ready"

"We'll contine after okay?" Toby tells amber and she nods

"Thank's daddy" she smiles

"Any time pumpkin"

Roshaun joins at the table and i plate the plates.

I turn around to place the plates on the table.

"You need to sit. Rest, i'll get everything else" Toby tells me, holding my back and my stomach now showing my 5th month bump.

I sigh and sit in my chair staring at the ring on my finger.

"I love you" i smile at Toby.

"I Love you too" he smirks as he presses a kiss to my lips.

"Aww" amber blushes

"Eww mommy, daddy gross" roshaun gags

I blush and Toby pulls away to look at Roshaun

"So look away son, cause i'm not quite finished yet" he smirks before crashing his lips back on mine.

"Ahhh" roshaun yells and both Toby and i smirk into the kiss

-------imagination over-------

My heart feels shattered.

I had him, and now i don't.

No matter what happened, i thought I'd always have Toby. But i was wrong.

He's moved on and it's my fault.

I drive home as fast as possible to read the last two letters from Toby.

Nothing i could do could prepare my heart for it.