Disillusionment - Matthew Daddario

F o r t y

"I left her first, flying all the way over to New York from London for college. She understood that completely, she was happy for me, she was proud of me and encouraged me with everything she had," I stood with my back to everyone as I spoke, not wanting to see everyone's reactions to the story just yet.

"We spoke all the time. FaceTimed, called and texted. We sent letters, emails and whenever she had time off work she'd fly over for the weekend to come see me. We made it work for the first year or so," I took a deep breath before continuing, "She started struggling though, not just with me being so far away, with a lot of family issues and personal health problems mentally. She lost her little brother and it all took its toll, she couldn't visit as often and I didn't have authorisation to take leave and go to her for support,"

"Poor thing," Kat whispered, "Sounds like she's had a lot to deal with,"

"She did, she struggled so fucking bad. Even before what I did," I added, "I couldn't make it back for the funeral, I didn't go back at all actually," I glanced down at the floor.

"What?" Dom asked quickly, his head shot up his gaze meeting mince across the room, "You never went back when she needed you most?"

The silence was eerie as they all waited for me to respond, "I've still not been back, not since the day I left for New York,"

"Why the hell not?" Kat stood with folded arms not, almost with a disappointed parenting gaze watching over me.

"I couldn't go to her when she needed me, college was intense and I just, I didn't know what to do, I told her this and she was mad. She was hurt and told me not to speak to her. I deserved it of course. I deserved every last thing she threw my way. This girl encouraged me to go for my dreams, to persue everything I wanted in the very school I'd wanted to go to since I was little and the second she needed something as little as my presence? I bailed and left her hanging," I bit my lip nervously, "I was a coward and selfish I know,"

"Matt I've never once been disappointed in you, until now," Harry shook his head, "What happened next?"

"We went weeks without contact at all, she stopped reaching out and I never bothered trying to find out why. Lousy excuse of a boyfriend huh? During those weeks I met someone and I don't know if it was because I was lonely and hadn't physically seen Ivy in months or because I felt sorry for myself and needed a pity party but-"

I cut myself off, not wanting to admit out loud what I did, feeling the shame once more as I remembered that I did the one thing I always looked down on.

"I took her home," I dropped my head for what felt like the thousandth time, "That night I took her home, and pretty much every night that month,"

It was so silent you could hear a pin drop, "And then I was terrified to tell Ivy, so I didn't. For months I said nothing. She found out because a friend of ours who went to a party with us one night posted a photo of me with the girl and tagged me in it," I sighed, "Now it's been about nine months and these letters started arriving and now it's hitting me like a truck,"

"What's hitting you?" Dom asked as he looked through all the photos I had scattered across the table.

"Just how much I miss her," I sighed, "I fucked up so bad and I can't change it,"

"Then do something, write back or go to her," Dom encouraged, "I mean shit the girl deserves an explanation or a damn apology,"

"I think you're forgetting that he's in a relationship? He can't just fly across the world to go to another girl, that's wrong! Even if he did it once, no offence Matt," Harry rambled.

"Wait, does Emily know what you did to Ivy?" Kat turned to face me once more, "That you cheated on her for another girl?"

"That's the thing. It was Emily," I looked up for the first time since I'd started talking, "Emily was the other girl and I fell for her, it wasn't just a fling. I was literally in love with them both," I hit my head on the wall, "It started out as a fling, but the longer I was away from Ivy, I fell for Emily,"

"But Emily was there and Ivy was back at home. Emily was the easier option and you hadn't spoke to Ivy in months," Dom sighed and I nodded because he was right. Emily had been the easier choice, even if I still loved Ivy.

"Shit... Ivy's had to see this everyday online, you still happy with someone you left her for," Kat sat down, truly defeated by my story, "What are you gonna do Matt? This girl is destroying herself writing these letters, she's broken and whether you want to hear it or not, it's ultimately your fault,"

"I need to answer her,"