Disillusionment - Matthew Daddario

F i f t y F i v e

Ivy,

I can't believe you actually replied. I didn't expect you to, because despite you being kind and positive towards me at the awards show, I still believed they'd be some hatred.

Resentment towards me, for all I've put you through. I was the worst boyfriend and most unsupportive arsehole you had in your life during the periods when I should have been the most present and by your side.

Wait, you're telling me my handwriting is appalling? Yours is so much worse! It's all tiny and indecipherable? I'm offended Ivy!

I've become very talented in putting on a strong impenetrable front for people. After struggling with handling emotions for so long around particular individuals, I decided hiding my feelings was easier, because once people saw them, they wanted to start up conversations and I wasn't up for that.

When we met the other day, I didn't want you to be overwhelmed by showing all the feelings and after effects I was still having from what happened. So I hid them, because I know how much seeing other people struggling and hurting affects you.
You want to help and to solve the problem and that can't always be done Ivy.

Please don't even think of apologising again, there's no plane of existence in which you should ever need to apologise. I was and still am in the wrong. You're simply too good and too kind to admit that though, as you're trying to take some responsibility for my actions now.

I deserve the full explosion and aftermath of your anger.

I felt peace and happiness too, after seeing you in person and being able to face you finally. I too was at peace with life at that exact moment and I can't quite explain it, but everything suddenly felt right again.

Ivy, I was missing my best friend every single second since leaving for New York and maybe it was why nothing felt right while I was away. You too, were once the most important person in my life, you knew me better than I knew myself. We were yin and yang, Winnie the Pooh and piglet, bill and ben or whatever iconic duo you can think of.

And I messed it up.

So from the second I arrived in New York up until the awards ceremony. I had a giant Ivy sized hole in my life and heart, that I'm hoping, we can begin fixing. Should you want to give me the chance to try?

I hope someday too, we can get back to where we started.

I miss my best friend.

All my love, always and forever,

Matthew.