I am so stupid.
How could I let her, my ex-wife, let me go like that?
Right after she signed the papers, I knew it was over and I was happy then, because I am finally free.
I am finally out of the knot we're in; I am finally free to love the one I want.
I was happy then.
But why the hell am I not happy now?
Whenever I close my eyes when Jerome kisses me, it's her face that I see in my mind; sad and broken. Whenever Jerome holds my hand, it wasn't as soft as how Alyssa holds me.
Whenever Jerome hugs me, it's not as warm as Alyssa's warm hug. Whenever I think of Jerome, Alyssa will be there to block him from my thoughts.
I should be happy because I am free, right? This was what I want, right?
But why the fuck am I not happy now?
It's been a year since we separated and I should not be thinking of her anymore.
I shouldn't think of how delicious her pancakes were every morning, I shouldn't think of how she surprises me every 23rd of the month, I shouldn't think of she would buy me anything I want when I'm PMS-ing, I shouldn't even think of her in general – but I couldn't stop myself.
I remember her in everything I do, and I think I'm losing my mind because of it.
I remember how she rubs her eyes like a kid when she wakes up in the morning, I remember how her lips would slightly part when she's sleeping, I remember how she would pull me and let me lay on top of her after doing it so that I could hear her heart that was beating so fast.
And I hate to admit it to myself, but I miss her.
I miss how she would text me in the middle of the day just to ask me if I've already eaten my lunch, I miss how she would call me just to tell me that she loves me.
I miss how she would send flowers randomly in my office just because she remembered me when she saw the flowers, I miss how she would cook pancakes just to relieve me from a hellish day that I've been.
I miss her so much.
And I am so fucking stupid.
How could I let her go like that?
- - -
"You can't do this to me, Mika," Jerome wiped his face in anger, "Hindi ka pwedeng makipag-break sa'kin!"
"Watch me," I said as I turn my heel and started to walk away.
He followed me and tightly grabbed my hand to face him, "Saan ka pupunta? Doon dati mong asawa? Do you think tatanggapin ka pa niya after all that you've done to her?"
I pulled my arm harshly, "I don't care. Leaving her and choosing you was a mistake, and it's time to pay for my mistakes. Goodbye, Jerome."
"If you leave this room," he glared at me, "Wala ka nang babalikan."
I raised an eyebrow and stepped closer, towering him, "Good. Bye."
His eyes were lighting up in anger and I don't care, all I want to do right now is to fix things. Fix this, fix us.
I didn't waste time and went for a drive, I was so eager to go to Ally's because I knew she's there, Alyssa is there.
And I was right, she was there...with someone else — again.
I've been visiting—more like stalking—Alyssa here for almost a month. And every time I saw her here, she's with someone.
