Finding Me

Three

Kym came and told me that dinner was served at 6 and we had an hour and a half free to do whatever we wanted, then at 8:35 it was lights out.

What was I going to do from 8:35 until after 11 without light, and who actually goes to bed at 8:35. I can't sleep until late hours at nights. I have nightmares most times and when I don't have them I still can't sleep. This so far is the only thing I don't like about this place, but I'll have to make it work until I get a new home.

I don't have a phone so it's not  like I can play games when I get bored. I just read a new book I found it the abandoned building I was in yesterday. It's not really new it just is for me. Some of the pages are torn and the edges folded but it was a good book so far.

Lights out was gonna be in a few minutes and I was tired as hell anyways so I went to bed.

Every day was basically the same thing over and over for weeks. The girls watching me with hatred from a distance, while I still didn't make any friends, I still hate Math class and I'm good at almost everything else. I'm still trying to hide from everyone and the girls in my Math class hate me I don't know why and I don't care it's not like I'm any better at the subject than they are.

I sat in the back of the class and just did the problems I understood.

Giann came to look for me last week. She was on her way to interview a new family. I wasn't too interested as usual since I have shit luck with people and I really didn't want to get my hopes up either, I just told her it was fine.

I was at the shelter for 2 more weeks before Giann came over to tell me a family wanted to foster me in hopes of adopting me if I fit in with them.

That was shocking cause people like me don't usually get adopted especially being this old. I just shook my head and went to class. I am tired of this moving all around the place all the time. Especially now was a bad time, next week makes seven years since dad died taking all my happiness with him. This is the worst time for me cause I live my nightmares all day everyday of how my whole world fell apart.

I'm sure you're wondering how my father died, so I'll tell you.

Dad wasn't rich but we weren't poor either we got along well with what we had and our small family was perfect.
Mom was always busy even though she never actually had a real job but dad loved her enough to support her decision since she took good care of us.

I had a little sister but she died on the way to the hospital because of a seizure attack. We went camping for her seventh birthday and it just happened. We were too far from the nearest hospital so by the time we made it we were already too late to save her.

Mom took it hard so dad was basically the one doing everything and taking care of me. To forget everything mom acted like I didn't exist. Dad kept telling me she was gonna come around soon but that didn't happen she got worse she started going away and coming back after weeks. I believed him that she was gonna get better and I guess she started to get better after a while but then things got worse..

The police that found me told Giann that dad had witnessed the murder of a drug dealer in the office of his boss months before but didn't say anything since they threatened to kill me and mom. He was already hardly keeping up with the loss of My sister Tamia only months before so that hit him like a truck. He was trying to protect me and mom so he went to work like nothing happened but he saw the same guys that did the killing talking and laughing at the monthly cookout the boss keeps to get his workers to mingle. I guess he panicked and since he was lead developer for the new design company being built his boss called him over to talk to those same guys.

They were gonna be working with him and I guess they knew someone saw then cause that's when all the threat started. Dad wasn't good at hiding things or keeping secrets so I guess by the look on his face they knew it was him. He was the only other person in the building the night of the murder apart from his boss since they were having a discussion about him being shareholder.

Anyways those same men shot and killed my father in my house in my room. Me and him were playing hide and seek and he was just about to find me in the crawl space in my closet. I saw everything I heard everything they came up behind him just like that and shot him over and over. My 10 year old self jumped at every shot but I still didn't make a sound.

Those sounds haunt me at nights almost every night I can't ever forget the look in my father's eyes when he got the first shot, I can't forget the look of pain on his face or how he fell on his knees in front the closet door and grunted at every other bullet he got in his back.

I hate them. I hate all of them. They made my life hell, he didn't do anything he didn't deserve to die like that. My mother didn't deserve all his money while I went from home to home, family to family, one hell to another. She deserves to suffer like I have over the years. I have burns on my shoulder from my first foster home. My foster brother lit a cigarette and put it out on my skin because he wanted me to clean his room and bathroom take out the garbage and wash dishes, I was just 11 years old he had a mountain of dirty clothes and the house was a mess I couldn't do all that it wasn't possible for a skinny awkward girl.
I locked myself in my room all day and cried at the burns on my skin. I haven't cried another time since then. I realized I had to get tough or this world without my parents was going to kill me.