Newt imagines 2

There is a reason to go on

Inspired by collateral beauty with big spoilers so watch the movie first. You'll love it, it's so sad!

I stand outside the small house, watching through the window. The Christmas street lights shimmering off the glass, a rainbow of colours ironic, compared to the conversation going on inside. A group of sobbing adults sat in a 'healing' circle, all being the shoulders for each other to pile their weight on, when really nothing was strong enough to carry this weight. A blond male turns slightly towards the window, his eyes flicking my way. I pull my burgundy beanie on, turn up the collar of my coat and hop on my bike peddling away at full speed.
***
Once again, for the fourth night in a row I stand outside the same building watching through the window at the circle of adults. I'm unable to feel any emotion, think of anything specific other than the debate on wether to go in or not. I move to be in front of the front door, it's dark wooden door slightly open for any late comers. I head on in, removing my beanie.
They all turn to me, their red eyes watering. "Hi." I hold up my hand, dipping it to the right like a wave.
"Hello." The blond man said. "Are you looking for help?" I stand there thinking it over, I nod my head.
"And you are?" His voice soft just like a therapists.
I gulp and squeeze onto my beanie. "Y/n."
"welcome y/n, please come, sit." He motions towards an empty fold out chair, I sit down tottering on the edge of the seat, never before having felt so uncomfortable. People were all watching me, expecting something from me I knew I couldn't provide. There was no way I could help them, I hardly get by myself.
"Have you lost a child y/n?"
I look down to the beanie in my hands, turning it inside out and then back the right way, fiddling with the label. "Yes."
"Boy or girl?" He asks, leaning forwards with a friendly, sympathetic smile.
"Err, girl." I reply.
"What was her name?" He asks.
I choke on the words, my throat strangled and I couldn't breath, the constant ache in my chest turned into an explosion. I get up leaving.
"Y/n! It's alright. You don't have to answer if you don't want to." I stop my back turned to the group. I pace a couple of times. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to." I turn down the collar of my coat and sit back down.
He smiled pleased. "Thank you." He mouthed. I turn away looking towards the door, already regretting this.
He turned the the other guy next to him. "Thank you for sharing your story."

The session was over after having listened to a couple others tales of loosing their son, daughter, unborn baby.
I walk over to my bike, putting my beanie on, my long hair pinned against the side of my face, stopping the breeze blowing it around. I undo the chain and turn around, the blond man stood there, his own grey coat that fell below his hips, the buttons undone so to show his dark green shirt underneath, the collar pinned down by a small brooch, two Ravens twirled in each others wings. "What made you decide to come in today? Yeah I've seen you watching through the window."
I shrug, fiddling with the pedals of my bike. "I don't know."
He ran a hand through his hair, brushing it to one side. "The names Newt." He extend a hand. I accept it shaking it, slightly amazed that anyone was showing me normal attention.
"I had a daughter too. Her name was Raven, because of her hair, it was darker than the darkest raven feather. She died from neuroblastoma, aged severn." He stood there shuffling his boots in the cold nights frost. "What was your girl's name?"
I bit my lip again that exploding pain bursting through my body. I shake my head and turn around with my bike walking away.
"Wait! I promise I won't ask again." He said following me. "But tell me one thing, why did you come tonight? Did you lose her around Christmas? We get a lot of first timers, around now."
I shake my head, picking up the pace. Why wouldn't he just leave me alone?!
"Ok, why tonight then?" His brown eyes begging mine for an answer.
"Because... I'm trying to fix my mind." I say pointing a finger to the side of my head, water welling up behind my eyes.
"You lost a child y/n, you nor anyone can never fix that." He placed a hand on my arm. "Please, come a long next week. I'll look forward to it." He smiled and walked off, pulling on some gloves. As I turn up my collar and pedal in the opposite direction.
***
I stood in the doorway watching Newt tidy away the chairs. I knock on the door, taking off my beanie, like one might when entering a graveyard. Newt's smile beamed brighter than anything I've seen in a long while. "You came." He straightened his back.
"Did I miss anything?" I ask meekly not really wanting the answer.
"No, just people talking about their children, the ones they lost." His face fell sad, I'm sure he was thinking of his daughter, I saw mine, her milky-tooth smile and her big, round hazel eyes. The first time she wrapped her little fingers round one of mine, she was nothing more than a mouse, already smiling on her first day. I remember her father leaning over my shoulder, his love radiating into me. "She's a born smiler, just like her mother." He said kissing me, our baby girl in between our bodies.