Enlighten Me

The Letter

Dear Amari,

I pray that you hear me out on this letter. It's taken me years to gather the words that I have finally found to write in this letter. Baby girl, I apologize for everything that has happened. I know you must hate me for leaving you but please believe me when I say that I have tried to get better.

I hate that you had to see your mama go through what you witnessed the last time we were together. I never got the chance to tell you that I was proud of you that day. I have always been proud of you Amari. You were too young to understand what was going on. Believe me that it had nothing to do with you or your sister. I love you guys you two are my world.

You see I was experiencing these many problems way before I met Robert. At first he was my drug my breath of fresh air. Someone that could metaphorically take me out of the dark place I was in. Sometimes.. sometimes a person isn't enough to make you let go of those things. So then.. that's when I made the foolish decision to turn over my life to drugs. Sad to say I fell into my mother, your grandmother's,  footsteps.

I vowed to myself that I would never become the mother she was and I didn't. I never put you all in anything she put me through.. but I put you all through enough. A day doesn't go by that I regret the decision that I made. I know I was foolish. If it weren't for you all I wouldn't be here.. The way I was thinking especially while I was on them drugs. I could have ended my own life just as your grandmother did.

But the though of not seeing my babies faces ever again. To not being able to hold you two. It would hurt my soul. It's really hurting me right now and I'm truly trying to get better so I can come home to you. And become a better mother.

You're 18 now which makes you mature enough to hear what I have to say. I have done some things that I am not proud of and I know that they have affected you two... The drugs were just a way of me to deal with things. What turned into just a little enlightenment turned into something horrible. I know that no kid should have to go through that.

I promise you that I'm getting better but i know that I can't make up for all these years. What I can say is that I will do everything in my power to never leave you two again.. hopefully when I get home we can talk better and maybe you could try to understand. Somethings are just better talked about in person. I have to go now to one of my group sessions.

I love you and I'm sorry.

Sincerely Your mother,
              Melanie