Can We Try That?

Hurting

TW: Self-harm

I was crying over Whizzer Brown earlier and I'm still feeling sad so have this!

Evan's POV

Not once had I ever tried self-harm. Sure, I've thought about it. I've just never actually did it. 

Everyday I thought about it now. Every minute. As the days without Connor grew into weeks, I felt myself getting weaker at fighting my urges. Don't do it Evan. What would Connor say? One part of me asked. The other side said, He wouldn't say anything. He's in a coma. He's dying. All because of you. 

I acted normal around everyone. I would paste on fake smiles and tell everyone who asked that I was fine. I wasn't. How could I be When Connor was gone? When he might not ever wake up again?

Whenever I was alone in my room I could let my emotions out. I would dig my nails into my skin, satisfied with the tiny amounts of pain. But every day, I needed more. I would sob into my pillows at what I had become. I was even more depressed than over the summer when I jumped out of the tree.

I had never self-harmed because I was afraid of the pain.

Now, I needed it.

In the darkness of night, I crept out of my bed and into the hallway. I ducked into the bathroom and quietly shut the door. Leo was a deep sleeper, but I couldn't risk anything. I twisted the lock and started my search.

I looked under the sink for razors. As I pulled out a package, I noticed my shaky hands. I took a deep breath and pulled one out. I slid off the tiny plastic cover. I rolled up the sleeve of my uninjured arm. I pressed it onto my skin. I hissed at the sting. I dragged the blade down. Red blood welled up as tears spilled down my face. I pulled the blade away and focused on the pain. Instead of feeling numb, I felt a dull buzz. Seeing that as a good sign, I pressed the blade to my skin again.

The dark red blood dropped off my arm and into the sink. I cried harder as I felt the pain fade away. I was left numb and cold. I turned on the sink and let cold water run over my arm. I hissed as it made contact with my wounds. After most of the blood was gone, I searched for bandages. I managed to find a few and put them on.

I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes looked cold and empty. I had dark purple smudges under my eyes. It would have been better if you had died when you jumped. Mom wouldn't have to work so hard for you. Your friends wouldn't be so worried and would actually have fun. Connor would be awake. Why don't you just do them a favor and end everything now? The voices chanted over and over again. I ran my hand through my hair a few times before I made my decision. I unlocked the door and stepped into the hallway.

I tiptoed down the hall to my bedroom. I quietly shut the door behind me. I flopped onto my bed and screamed into my pillow. My life was in shambles. I could feel tears roll down my face. I thought about suffocating myself right then and there. Nope. I had a fear of dying due to suffocation. I rolled onto my side and tried to sleep. My brain wouldn't let me. Thoughts raced through my head. 

*Le time skip to the next morning by me sobbing over Whizzer in Falsettos. IT'S SO SAD*

I rested my chin on my hand as my eyelids drooped. Leo and Jared's voices became dull buzzes as I drifted off to sleep. I jumped awake when someone snapped their fingers in front of my face.

"Evan? Are you okay?" Leo asked me. The two's gazes were filled with concern.

"I'm fine. J-Just  peachy." I mumbled as I rubbed my eyes. The two continued talking and I stared at my breakfast. It was an unappetizing bowl of Cheerios. In addition to being super depressed and becoming an insomniac, I had no appetite whatsoever now.

"Evan you need to eat." Jared told me as he pushed my bowl closer to me. I grumbled and ate a few spoonfuls. I had to hold back a gag. I saw the duo share a look before Leo asked, 

"Do we need to call Heidi?" I shot up and shook my head side to side.

"I'll go call her." Jared said as he whipped out his phone and left the room. I could feel Leo staring at me. When Jared came back, Leo whispered something in his ear. Jared gasped.

"Are you cutting yourself Evan?" Leo questioned. I felt my eyes widen and my face burn.

"N-N-No! I-I'm f-fine guys. R-Really." I assured them. They stayed unconvinced. Jared forced me to eat more cereal. Just then, there was a knock at the door. Leo opened it and let mom in.

"Evan!" She exclaimed as she rushed across the room and hugged me. She led me over to our couch and we all sat down.

"Honey, we're really worried about you. Your not sleeping or eating. You constantly mope around, barely talk to anyone, and visit Connor all the time. Now you're always wearing long sleeves. Roll them up Evan." Mom demanded. I could feel myself starting to shake as I rolled one up. The trio gasped. I couldn't look. I squeezed my eyes shut. I already knew what was there. Angry red scars littered my arm. There was probably a bandage soaked through with crusty blood. Mom grabbed my hand and held on tight. I opened my eyes to see her crying. Jared and Leo were too. A few tears rolled down my face. 

"I'm going to get you another therapist. Doctor Sherman works in the same place. I know I can't help you as well as he can. Promise me you'll go." Mom said.

"I-I promise." I told her. She nodded and hugged me. I held on tight to her as she pulled away.

"I love you Evan. You have to take care of yourself." She whispered. I nodded as tears continued to stream down my face. After staying for a few hours, she went back to her own apartment. I stared out the window and watched her car leave. Once she was out of sight, I walked down the hallway and into my room. I cried into my pillow. I could hear the low murmur of Leo and Jared talking. Most likely about me.

I couldn't believe what I had become. I was an anxious, depressed, and sobbing mess. The first person I have ever been in a relationship was in a coma. The person I used to confide in was dead. All my friends and my mom would now be worried about me constantly. 

I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts...

Hello there readers! Earlier today I was sobbing in a bathroom as I listened to You Gotta Die Sometime and What Would I Do from Falsettos. I'm still in a mood so I wrote some extra angsty shit for you guys. Hope you liked it! Anyway, I would like to give a shoutout to @Dunce0McGee! It's her birthday tomorrow! Go show her some love guys! I also have a question for you guys. Should I do a Q&A for the characters? I've seen other people do them and it was pretty cool. I would include Evan, Connor, Jared, Alana, Zoe, Cynthia, Heidi, Larry, and me. What do you guys think? Well, I hope you liked the chapter! Love you guys! Thanks for reading!

-Cronch