Can We Try That?

Visiting Him

TW: Mentions of self-harm and slight (when I say slight I mean like, super duper tiny) mentions of homophobia 

Evan's POV

"T-Thanks Leo." I said as I climbed out of his car.

"No problem. Call me when you want to get picked up." He told me as I slammed the door shut. I watched him speed out of the parking lot. I turned on my heel and walked into the hospital. I gave Naomi a wave as I passed by the nurses station. I had been coming here for such a long time now that most of the nurses knew me. At least the ones who worked with Connor.

I got on the elevator and clicked the floor two button. I was alone as the elevator rose up. I clenched my fist, digging my nails into the skin. That's all I could do now. No more cutting. Until I was trusted with razors again. Then I'd have to be sneakier.

The doors opened with a ding and I got off. I made a right and stopped in the doorway of room 210. I took a deep breath before cautiously opening the door.

"C-Connor?" I called out, hoping for a response. I was met with the beeps of a heart rate monitor. I sighed as I walked over to his bed. I gripped his icy hand as I sat down next to him.

"A lot h-has been going o-on." I told him. "I g-got a new therapist. H-He's an a-asshole. A-A homophobic a-asshole. I tried c-cutting a-a few days ago. I-I can see w-why you did i-it." I whispered as I touched his scars. I looked at his face, praying for a reaction. Connor's face stayed still, his eyes shut and his mouth in a slight frown. I gripped his hand harder.

"Leo took the r-razors away. At l-least you w-won't h-have to worry a-about m-me trying t-to join y-you." I choked out as tears welled in my eyes. I couldn't talk, could barely even breathe, as hot tears rolled down my face.

"God Connor I-I miss you s-so much. Why'd y-you have to d-do this?" I asked him. I knew I'd get no response, but the silence only made me feel worse.

"Do you k-know how much I-I love you? Because I-I love y-you a lot. It's g-getting harder t-to b-be without you e-every day. Just p-please wake up. I d-don't think I-I can live without you. I-I certainly d-don't want t-to." I admitted. Just then, I heard the monitor flatline. 

Nurses rushed past me and pushed me to the side. Tears fell faster now, in time with my heartbeat. He can't die! He can't just leave me here, I screamed in my head. Each breath of mine got shorter and quicker. My heartbeat sounded like a rifle firing. I slowly shook my head as I realized I was having a panic attack. No! None of this can be real right now! None of this, I thought. Through the blur of my tears I pinched my arm.

I winced at the pain. No. This was reality. This was my life. I curled up on the chair as all the outside noises faded away. They were just a dull buzz. I could feel myself shaking. Suddenly, I felt a strong hand on my arm.

"Evan? Sweetie are you okay?" Someone asked. I shook my head side to side.

"It's gonna be all right. I'm here." The same person told me as they dried my tears and held my hands. They whispered encouraging words to me as I tried to calm down. After a while, my breathing and heartbeat slowed back to normal. When I could finally see again, I saw Naomi in front of me.

"You all right?" She asked again. I gave her a weak smile and nodded.

"Just call one of us if you need someone to talk to." Naomi told me as she left the room with all the other nurses. I could hear Connor's heartbeat: normal and steady. I let out a sigh of relief.

"I t-thought I-I was going to l-lose you." I whispered as I gripped his hand again. I held it tight as I told him what else had happened. I knew he couldn't hear me, but I could vent to him. It probably made my depression worse, knowing that he couldn't talk back to me, but at least he wouldn't judge. Or tell anyone else.

I could see the sun setting through the window. It shone on Connor, giving his skin a healthy glow. I smiled. But as the moon started to rise, he was bathed in light which made him look even more pale. Even closer to death. I shoved those thoughts out of my head as I tried to enjoy the last of the sunset.

"I w-wish you c-could s-see the sunset. I-It's s-so beautiful. N-Not a-as beautiful as y-you though." I whispered as I brushed back his hair. 

"Evan, it's time to go home." Leo said. I jumped and saw him standing in the doorway.

"You have to eat and get some rest. Say your goodbyes. I'll be waiting in the hallway." He told me. I sighed. I would rather be here with Connor, but wouldn't he want me to take care of myself? 

I placed a gentle kiss on his cold cheek.

"I love y-you. S-Stay alive. For m-me. Please." I whispered as I let go of his hand. With tears in my eyes, I walked into the hallway. Leo hugged me.

"It's going to be alright Evan." He told me before we walked into the elevator. I gave him a sad smile and nodded. 

He was probably right. But how could I belive that when everything was terrible? When everything felt broken and shattered? I sobbed into his side as we walked out to the car. He drove us home. I ran straight (BI) to my bedroom and shut the door. I sobbed for hours. After I was done crying, I felt drained.

At least I can finally sleep, I thought as I closed my eyes. 

Haha, nope. Another dark, long, and lonely night for me. 

Hey there guys! Today I took my proficiency test in band. It determines where you sit based on how well you play. I personally think that's unfair because people get nervous (I sure did) and screw up. Then the person gets placed at a lower spot than where they should be at. Well, I think I did ok but I sucked at the sight reading. Most of you probably don't really understand what I'm saying, but I know at least two of you do. Comment below if you play, or have played, an instrument. You probably already know this but I play the clarinet. Anyway, I hope you liked the chapter! I was tearing up as I wrote some parts. EMOTIONS! Thank you guys so much for reading! I love all of you so much!

-Cronch