Can We Try That?

Finding You/ Dr. Sherman

TW: Homophobia and homophobic slurs 

You guys have a "fun" one today!

Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?

Evan's POV

I paced around my room. I glanced outside my window and saw the dark night. Stars twinkled brightly, a contrast to my mood. It was after midnight and I couldn't sleep. I was stressing over my appointment I would have to go to later this morning.

Time passed slowly. I had nothing to do but think and talk to myself. The razors had been taken away. They were locked up in a drawer somewhere in Leo's room. My phone had no games to play. I could look at tumblr, but I felt like I had seen everything already. With a sigh, I sunk to the floor. I leaned up against my bookcase. My bookcase.

With newfound energy I scanned the shelves for a book. For something I hadn't read before. My energy became disappointment when I realized I had read every book on the shelf. I smoothed back my messy hair and rubbed my eyes. I looked again and found some old year books. Why not? I have nothing better to do, I thought as I opened one up from elementary school. 

As I looked through, I remembered my second grade years. This was the year I had started reading about trees. The year I didn't know I had anxiety and had been blissfully unaware. The year Jared got his glasses. And of course, the year Connor threw a printer at Mrs. G. How could I forget that?

I looked at his picture. Connor's hair was longer than most boys. He wore dark clothes. He didn't even smile. He was adorable! It still made my heart break. If he was here, we would tease each other over our photos. Tears welled up in my eyes but I brushed them away. I slammed it shut and picked up another one.

This yearbook was from middle school. We were in eighth grade. This was year my anxiety spiked and I started to feel depressed. The year Jared started to separate from me. If I remember correctly, the year Connor had started to take a turn for the worse. I remember teachers yelling at him for skipping or smelling like smoke. He would always talk back. He frightened students and that's when everyone started to gossip about him. I looked at his picture. His hair was longer, he still didn't smile, and he wore black. I gently closed it and picked up my last one.

It was senior year of high school. Probably the worst year so far. Jared said he only talked to me for car insurance and we weren't friends. Not even family friends. My anxiety had been at its worst and my depression was becoming worse. I remember having panic attacks daily. I would hide out with the nurse or in the bathroom. Most of the time, I wouldn't eat dinner because I was afraid to order in and talk to the delivery guy. I shook my head at the memory. I was even worse now. I scanned through the pictures of smiling teenagers. My eyes landed on Connor's picture. He was still handsome. He had a faint smile on his face and a faraway look in his eyes. I realized he was probably high. I frowned at the thought. It brought back the memory when he left me at the party.

I shut my last yearbook. Just then, I remembered something. I scanned through the one from eighth grade again. On the last few days of school, the teachers had made us make a collage. Mostly everybody put on pictures of them with their friends and family, or inspirational quotes. I had put pictures of trees and different facts about them on mine. Connor had made a list of his top ten favorite books. 

I wanted to talk to Connor so much, but I couldn't. He was in a coma and might not ever wake up. At least I can try to get closer to him by reading some of his favorite books. I looked over his list and then scanned my bookshelf. None of them were there. So, I searched through my closet for my kindle. Feeling successful, I pulled it out and powered it on. A low battery sign flashed on the screen. With a sigh, I searched through my closet for the charger. It wasn't there. Instead, I would use my phone to read them.