Self Expression of A Burden

January 12th, 2018

I'm writing this the morning of the 14th. I've been busy. (Shocking, I know.) So as I said before I woke up at like 4:30 so I took a shower. My dad got to my house early so we went to Starbucks. I had been having a craving for a cheese danish for days. I got one of those and a Strawberry Refresher. We picked up Blue. We were early for school. He said he had to go to the bathroom, he was in there forever. I assumed he was just on his phone, not wanting to talk to me. I ran into Purple and her brother. We talked. They offered to buy me food but I declined and just went and sat in this corner I like. I downloaded The Pantaloon. It was in my head crazy bad and I didn't even like that song until it randomly just got in my head. Eventually Blue came back. We sat there. We don't really get along anymore. He won't kiss me or put his arm around me anymore. I went to first period. I explained to my dance instructor the class gives me too much anxiety and she let me sit off to the side and write. I finished my story except for some edits. I wasn't too happy with the wrap up. I'm going to try changing my first period with my counselor. History was fine. That one kid gave me his homework to copy since I missed yesterday. He is so sweet. Biology was fine. The kid next to me/my partner kept looking at my boobs and it was really uncomfortable I'll probably ask for a desk change. Math was good. I got a new seat and met this girl. She was sweet, seemed kind of off but she was fun to talk to. She knows about Imagine Dragons, we talked about that, and it made me beyond happy. My teacher asked what we were talking about and when we said Imagine Dragons she just let us keep talking and she was like "That's Linda's favorite!" and I was just X) Anyway, then we got into a discussion about old Disney and Nickelodeon shows. It was nice to be brought back. She apparently saw Big Time Rush in person and I was so fucking shook omg. Study hall was good I guess. My friend from summer school posted this picture of a cat flipping over and a bowl of food spilling everywhere and it was so damn stupid but it made me laugh my ass off. Then she sent me a funny video and I lost my shit. Next, I had lunch. This is where it gets good hahahaha. So there were cheese sticks and I was so excited because they're my favorite. I also got Cheetos. Ever since I ate some of Red's yesterday I had been craving them. I sat between Red and Blue as usual. I was talking to Blue then he just turned and started talking to some random fag, ignoring me. So of course I got pissed and hurt because I'll be damned if he starts ignoring me in real life too. Then Red yelled at me to calm down and they don't even like each other. I started getting a panic attack so I went and sat somewhere else a few minutes. Then I turn to look at the table and this "friend" of mine who is ALWAYS up Blue's ass trying to flirt with him took my seat. And they were sitting together laughing and my heart shattered. I told Blue not to talk to that whore. I get up and yell at her to get away from my boyfriend and she plays it off as if she was trying to see what happened and if I was okay. Blue kept yelling at me for over reacting and it made me want to die. I couldn't take anymore. I ran out of the lunch room, but the lunch lady literally physically touched my shoulder not letting me go. Then I told her the other lady dismissed us and she let us go. The whore I mentioned followed me trying to calm me down but she made it worse. Then I made her walk away. Blue came to my locker saying he did nothing wrong and I LOST it. I started bawling right in the middle of the hallway and explained all he did was ignore me and yell and he just pretended like he was innocent then yelling at me I over react. I had to go to the office since I was crying so much and starting to hyperventilate. The social worker came to talk to me and I lied saying I was getting anxiety about doing the pacer test because I'm always first to finish and everyone looks at me. While that was true, it wasn't the real reason obviously. She always asks if I'm seeing a therapist. She literally thinks I'm insane.  She talked to me through and I was excused from PE. I went to the library the rest of the period and ate some of the Cheetos I didn't get to finish. I went to my locker after the period. Red texted he was "so fucking sorry." unlike Blue, who was still convinced everything was fine because he's a fucking little bitch. Study hall was fine. English I was supposed to be doing an assignment but I still had too many thoughts and couldn't focus. I worked on my story. I explained to my teacher the situation and she said just to show her Tuesday. I brought Blue home and then went to pack a bag since I was sleeping over at Purple's mom's with her. She told me she wanted me to meet her mom, which even though small made me feel honored in a weird way. I was thinking about not going because of how shitty I was feeling I just wanted to go home and cry. Which, honestly, is the main reason I always cancel. I get too depressed.  I had physical therapy. My mom came in and both me and Joey my physical therapist felt awkward. After that I was dropped off at Purple's. We ate junk food then her mom came to pick us up. She looked so mean and it was terrifying. Her big sister was there too and she doesn't seem to like me. I met her before. It was awkward as fuck. We got to her house and Purple's mom's best friend from high school lives there too. There was five dogs! FIVE! I don't like many dogs. They're cute but in person no thank you. They all ended up being nice though. Pretty gentle too. We sat in silence. Then food was brought up. Purple and I got meatball sandwiches. Then omgomgomg THEY DECIDED TO EAT DINNER AT A TABLE, TOGETHER!!! Dinner conversation, dinner at a table, dinner with other people, being surrounded by new people, eating in front of people, allll anxiety triggers. Her mom has like no filter and it's great. She has funny stories. We kept making that's what she said jokes. I made everyone laugh a few times. I wasn't scared anymore and it was weird. We hung out talking in the living room. Eventually Purple's sister left. We did facial masks and then her mom and aunt went to bed. We talked a lot. Cuddled watched TV. Raided the fuck out of the kitchen. Deep convos. Blue was ignoring me all day. I honestly kind of am starting to hate him. At like 2 I got so damn tired because I woke up at 4:30 that morning ya know. So we both got on the air mattress. We both woke up at like 5 and I said "I'm gay." then she was like "Me too." and then we held hands and fell asleep. I forgot this happened but she told me about it the next day.