Self Expression of A Burden

January 27th, 2018

I'm writing this the morning of the 28th. I was too damn tired yesterday. I woke up running on 4 hours of sleep. My dad picked me up and drove me to track. My goal was to go through the whole practice without breaks. Bad choice. I couldn't breathe. It literally felt like a million needles piercing my lungs and I started coughing up blood. I hung out with Miawell and Aliya again. I could've went to breakfast with them, but I was too tired. Blue came into practice after we were done. He said nothing. He just glared at me. I waved, he waved back. My mom picked me up and we went home. I just went right to bed. Jimmy was texting me and wanted to hang out but I was just too exhausted. I texted Blue and asked if he was still going to come over to either go riding or watch movies. He didn't answer. I slept two hours, woke up, tried calling Blue since he was out of practice by that time, but he didn't answer again. It hurt. I just went back to bed so I didn't have to feel emotion. I woke up, feeling like shit. I had a panic attack and started crying. I called Blue again, and he answered. He was being a total asshole. He told me he didn't have to answer me since we weren't dating anymore, and that he wasn't going to come see anymore since we weren't together. I started crying and he just kept yelling saying it was my fault. I suggested that we just go riding and he said in an hour, but I didn't believe him because he always said stuff like that then was either hours late or just never came. I went outside. I was supposed to hang out with Josh and Jimmy today but I was too upset. I just skated around myself, listening to music. I saw Blue on his bike and he saw me. He started towards me and was just like "What's up?" and I started bawling. We went to this picnic bench. Our old usual spot. That's where I always went to cry. We talked a little. He was a total asshole. Just yelling at me for everything saying I did it to myself. He told me I was a hoe because of yesterday hanging out with Jimmy. I started having a full blown panic attack hyperventilating and it hurt so bad from my asthma earlier and it made me freak out even more. I started twitching and shaking and he wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear it was okay. When I'm having a panic attack like that I shake a lot and I like to literally be held so tight I can't move. Him doing that made me feel uncomfortable though since we weren't technically dating. Though being held helped I kept trying to push him away. He told me he wasn't letting go and he didn't. He knows that that's what he had to when I had panic attacks. I eventually calmed down. Cries turned into sniffles. We talked more. I asked him why he did that if he didn't care and didn't love me. He said he did. That he always did. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I told him I was going home. I ran. He chased after and stopped me, telling me to wait. I asked him what and we just stared at each other. His eyes looked so pretty in the sun. I started crying again.He just pulled me into a hug. We pulled out of the hug and stared at each other again, but our arms were still holding onto each other. He started to lean in, as did I, and we kissed. After I realized what had happened I said I was sorry and started skating as fast as I could home. He was trying to catch up and told me he wanted to and it wasn't my fault. He stopped in front of me eventually. He asked me what my problem was. I grabbed his hand and started tearing up again. It took all I had to not cry. I told him "The way your eyes look in the sun, the ability you have to calm me down, the way you make me laugh, the way you kiss me, that's my problem. I love you and want you but when we're together you just threaten to leave me anyway. I figured you were too scared to follow through with leaving me so I did it for you. I just want you happy." He told me he didn't want to break up. He wasn't ready. He still loved me. He asked if he could come warm up at my house a minute and I said yeah. I got all his stuff together and told him to take it with. He said no. He said he was going to bring his bike home and have his mom bring him, but he had to explain to his mom what happened because he wasn't even allowed to see me or come over anymore since "we broke up" apparently. He left. Promised he'd be back. He had to babysit since his mom was going out so he didn't. He didn't even text me after that. I was so confused and hurt. I wanted to know what he was thinking, how he felt. I finished typing Torn and my mom ordered dinner. I had pizza and salad. I texted with Jimmy and Purple. Josh had been busy all day. I tried asking him if he wanted to hang out but he was somewhere working out.  I ate dinner and laid down. My knees were hurting and I felt shitty from crying so much. I called Purple a few minutes but then my grandpa called and I had to go help him. We went to a Mexican place and got some food. We tried this really good coconut candy and I had 32oz of horchata rip. We got to his house and ate. I was pretty full but had some potatoes anyway. We played cards and then put the change from his piggy bank into rolls to exchange for cash. I straightened up a little. We went to Ledo's, it was 2 and they were closed. He's a manager there so he was allowed in. It looked so creepy and cool in there. He went into the office and exchanged the money. I walked around a little. It gave me Five Nights At Freddy's vibes. Especially the cameras in the office and then the dark restaurant. He divided the money between me, Bob, and Selina. They got 71 bucks I got 72. He dropped me off at home and it was 3. I was exhausted. I did an insulin injection then just went right to bed.