Self Expression of A Burden

June 24th, 2018

A lot has happened within the past 12 days. I guess that's obvious considering I was consistent then abruptly stopped. I lost motivation again. I'm having a really bad depression low. Like, awful. It's driving me crazy. There's so much right now on my mind. I feel trapped inside my head. I'm constantly bombarded with thoughts about things I want to forget. I guess I'll do a slight run down on the past few days before I go into venting and about last night. I had my brother's birthday party. Family parties are a huge anxiety trigger but it was easier than anticipated. A bunch of my family from SC and WI came in so I don't see them much which was nerve wracking. I hung out with my two older cousins. We kind of drifted apart over the years and I personally am not to found of them. A few days later at my dad's Monday and Tuesday I almost lost my fucking mind with my dad and brother. All week we were fighting and I was the one who got the most shit even though I did nothing. I was planning on not seeing my dad this week so I can just chill here and take a break. But honestly, I don't want too be in this room more than I have to. I stay in here all the time and consider it my safe space but the isolation gives my mind more power. I've been slowly progressing on my room which is nice. There's these few songs I've had on repeat for (no joke,) two weeks straight. I swear every time I hear one it hurts as much as the first time I heard it. A song isn't a song without good, meaningful, relatable lyrics. Music is the only coping mechanism that works other than someone physically cuddling me, but I'm not sure if you can even count that. (Note that it's Sunday morning) So Tuesday I wasn't able to see my babes because I had a dentist appointment and my driving test. I used to fucking be terrified of the dentist but the last two years I haven't been too bad. The nurse lady didn't get my sense of humor and there was a lot of awkward silences and her looking at me like, "what the fuck?". I hate when that shit happens like you either don't get me at all or you think I'm hilarious, there's no in between. But this bitch was fucking flossing me so hard I could taste blood and feel my soul leaving my body. Kms. Then the fucking Six Flags trip I was looking forward to and counting down with Ryan for got rained out and rescheduled for Monday so fucking oof. However we went to the movies and I was an anxious train wreck because HIS FAMILY GAVE ME RIDES AND OH MY GOD RIP. They were hella nice though so next time I doubt I'll be as scared. But yeah we saw Incredibles 2, which in my opinion was better than the first one. Also he made me die in the theater and I'm not gonna go into details but fuuuuck. He's so cute it's hard to handle. I went with Gampa on Friday night as usual. We went for food then to Walmart. He got me a My Little Pony comforter and its so big and comfy I love it. We went back to his house and ate more and played Gin Rummy. We were playing types of poker awhile and Black Jack for the longest but he just taught me this game last week and it's pretty hard. Nearly every night I call Ryan and Jaime. Usually we even have a group call. I'm so happy they get along it makes my life so much easier and I love spending time with them at the same time. OH. I got a little buzzed the other day and they stayed on with me til like 6A.M. "babysitting" me. They claim I was drunk but whatever. I downloaded sc and so many people have been snapping me and talking to me its really stressful. The first day I had over 20 people talking to me. Which leads me to finding out Isa and her bf Ryan broke up. I started being in contact with them for the first time since the fight. It breaks my heart. They were the best couple ever. I'm especially worried about Ryan. I understand the place he's in and I've been trying to help out. He's really not doing good. I also keep getting low bloodsugars, which often happen in my sleep, since after I eat I get tired I take a nap. So the insulin goes in my system while I'm sleeping. I usually notice when it drops to about 50-60. I wake up shaking and in a pool of sweat. Sometimes I even have dreams that wake me up, like I had one where I was checking my sugar and then I woke up. The human body is pretty cool. Diabetes sucks massive dick though. Oh I had a really bad relapse for the a millionth time. This one was bad. Also I feel like I might have another one today. Carlos ignored me for days. He's never done that. My heart fucking shattered. I finally got a hold of him last night. I broke down and he couldn't have sounded more careless. I was literally on my floor crying to the point of wheezing. He yelled at me saying I did so much shit to him and "hurt him enough" and said he never did anything to me. I could tell he was sitting on his game the whole time. He was distracted and ignoring me and then lied about his mom coming in to take his phone. He pretended he couldn't hear me and said to switch to Hangouts. After that he ignored me an hour then said his mom was taking his phone and goodnight. I knew all this was bullshit because she doesn't take his phone in the summer and he didn't answer the phone that second time. I tested to see if his mom took it by calling and it rang so it wasn't turned off. (Which if she took it, it would've been) It rang for 12 seconds. He sent me to voicemail. I cried until I literally almost puked. How can someone be shitty enough to do this to someone? I guess he never cared. I feel like I'm unlovable or incapable of being wanted sometimes. Like the few amazing people I have are just gonna leave like everyone else or something. I reached rock bottom again. I only feel okay when I'm with Jaime and Ryan. Every other second is hell. Oh, and Selina. I've been spending a lot of time with my smol bean. (She's my 2 year old sister.) But really, I don't know how long I can last with the weight of the universe on my back. It's crushing me.