Self Expression of A Burden

March 9th, 2018

My week has  been hell. Today was my breaking point. Blue left me the other day. We had some dumb fucking argument on either Tuesday or Wednesday morning. (My whole week has just mushed into a blur.) The day it happened he ignored me in person and over phone. We called and he told me it was over. For real. He removed me from his Instagram bio. He was serious this time. Let's fast forward to this morning. I drag myself out of bed. I had a relapse last night and cried myself to sleep. My eyes were damn near swollen shut. I brought a monster with me to school. I made sure my dad picked me up extra early this morning so I could get there before Blue and see if he was going to sit in our normal spot. I sat there playing Donkey Kong on my 3DS. Eian came and sat by me. He came before Blue did. He didn't let me drink the rest of my Monster because of my heart problem. Blue walked past and sat like 2 and a half yards from me/our normal spot. Seeing him made me burst out crying. Eian calmed me down and showed me funny videos. He eventually left when Aydin, Red, and this kid I met the other day Evan came by me. Adyin dressed up as Harley Quinn and I wore my Joker sweatshirt. Red took pictures for us. I was stable first period. It was Web Development with Sam. I suck with computers and she saves my ass so much. Second period I played Donkey Kong the whole time. Angel gave me lots of hugs, he could tell I was super depressed. Biology was fine. My teacher was being a bitch as usual. Aydin and Lazuli came to my locker every passing period. They're blessings. Aydin and I held hands all way from lower C wing to upper B. She made me laugh and smile the whole period. This kid Sebastian in my math class made jokes and had me laughing my ass off. He kept throwing condoms at people and the helper was watching and he looked so fucking annoyed and it made everything funnier. Study hall I cried my eyes out. Like, full on nasty crying into my sweatshirt. Aydin and Lazuli walked me to lunch trying to calm me down. I got to the lunch table and put my head down and started crying again. Aydin was rubbing my hand but I was too upset to react and too embarrassed to lift my head up. After a few minutes Red came and sat next to me. I was crying so hard my body was shaking and I was making noise. Red put his arm around me and rubbed my back. Though I wasn't talking he was talking and trying to calm me down and comfort me. I finally was able to lift my head up and I rested it on Red. A few minutes later Blue texted me asking if I was dating Red now. Like, why would he care if I was anyway? The period ended and people were leaving but I wait for the crowd since it gives me anxiety. Red, my friend Cesar, and Aydin all stayed with me to wait. Blue walked past and gave me this look. I instantly started crying. Red yelled at him for trying to upset me. I started shaking, getting super fidgety and hyperventilating. Red and Aydin both jumped up and started talking to me and rubbing me but I couldn't calm down. Cesar had to go get security. Blue left the room, not giving a shit. I wasn't really responding to them because I was freaking out but they kept trying anyway. Cesar came back with security and he put his hand on my back as well. Aydin somehow knew about Febi and had Red get him for me out of my bag. It helped having something to play with in my hands. The lady tried getting me to walk to the nurse but I was too scared to move. My friends were sent back to class. It didn't help. The nurse and my counselor and a few security guards were trying to calm me down. The nurse had to physically hold me so I'd stop rocking. She tried talking to me but I was crying too hard. I was put in a wheelchair and brought to the Nurse's office. I was put in a private room and they checked my vitals. I couldn't breathe and my blood pressure was too high. They said they had to call an ambulance but the fact it made me freak out more my counselor said he'd try calming me down instead. He sat there with me for an entire period. I calmed down eventually. I explained everything, he gave some advice. He walked me to study hall. Before English Lazuli came to see me and we talked with Harvey. They cheered me up so much. I got hugs from both of them. I went to class and was actually pretty productive for once. After class I started crying and freaking out again but I ran into Purple, her boyfriend, and Sam. They saw me crying, they were all so fucking supportive and amazing. Purple and Sam invited me over and told me to message later. All three of them said they were there for me and hugged me. I went to my locker to meet up with Red, (who was coming over.) Lazuli came with Duke and Cesar. They all were checking on me and just being great. I was still in my PE clothes so I went to change my shirt. Everyone from PRISM (the gay club at my school) from North campus walked past and hugged me and just crowded around me. I felt so... important? Like... So many people helped today. So many people cared. After I changed we waited  with Duke and Lazuli for our rides outside. Lazuli left, then a few minutes after, Red and I did. We dropped something off for my Grandpa then we got to my house, and I was highkey embarrassed of my room and it made me anxious. Red didn't care at all though. We talked mostly, played on my computer, laid down and played Donkey Kong. He made me feel so secure and safe I didn't want him to ever leave. We also had pizza and it was the most I was able to eat in awhile. We eventually picked up my grandpa from work and then dropped Red off at home. He made me so happy. I love him with all my heart. I go to dinner with my grandpa, (like we always do Friday nights) and have some soup. Mind you this was like 4 hours after the pizza lol. He brought me home and Red and I were gonna call but after taking my meds I fucking crashed. This ends my terribly wonderful Friday.