Self Expression of A Burden

June 10th, 2018

Fuck life. Fuck everyone in it.  I need everything to just stop. I want the world around me to pause so I can figure out what to do with my shit life. No matter how much I try, how much medicine I take, I still am pushed back to square one. I'm currently crying my eyes out right now. I have no one except music, which is how it usually is.

 Pause Ryan just ironically woke up. 

But anyway I'm getting tired of everyone and everything. I want to just be alone forever. Jaime promised to call me every night since he left for vacation but apparently he's too fucking busy taking a break from me or some bullshit to be there for me. He used to leave his ringer on for me at night or even stay on a call with me but I guess it's on silent. Carlos came over a few days ago for the first time in awhile. He pulled the getting back together bullshit and I told him the only way I'd ever even BEGIN to consider is if he fucking stopped his bullshit and treated me right. Of course he was okay for a day or two. He didn't text me all day today. I asked him if he was awake about an hour ago. I asked him why he hadn't texting me and confronted him about saying he was going to actually start trying. He pulled the "let me call you babe and give half-assed apologies and make everything fucking perfect" card. He was taking forever to reply since he was editing a video. I told him I was depressed, crying, and needed someone to talk to. He did nothing to cheer me up. No calls, nothing. I told him he didn't care and didn't put me as priority anymore. He got offended and started saying the exact same things I said but aimed at me. He said I wasn't the one trying, I was yelling again for no reason, (I never even yelled) then finally called me but started SCREAMING at me. He proceeded to tell me "No Linda just leave me alone tonight" and "I'm already mad with you don't make me even more mad" and then ignored me. When I fucking ask for help, to stay up and talk to me, or anything alike at fucking 2A.M or after it's an emergency. I feel guilty bothering people with my problems, so when I actually do go to someone, especially at an hour like this, I can't handle myself alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my heart is broken. I gave him everything I had, and it still wasn't enough; how could I be enough for anyone? Why am I still holding on to what me and him used to be? What he used to be? Starting over terrifies me and I guess the familiarity of having him around is comforting to me. Because, regardless of all the shit he does, he still sticks around. And if I cut him off, I could end up entirely alone. He's the only one who's stuck around as long as he has. Who knows who will stay and who won't? Even Jaime's left before. People promise to be there and never go but a few months later they're gone. I can't be alone. Not again. I can't handle my own head by myself. Sure I like solitude, but I can't just straight up have no one. I'm scared. So fucking scared. I don't have control over anything anymore. My feelings take the wheel and I don't even make my own decisions. I can't even clean my room because of the lack of motivation. I let people walk all the fuck over me like I'm some doormat. Oh, you stabbed me in the fucking back and crushed my heart into a million pieces?? Have another chance!!! Have unlimited chances if you want!!!! :D I'm back to isolating myself. I lost contact with like  4 or 5 people I had been talking to regularly. I haven't even talked to Claire in a few days. I never text Carlos first anymore because I know he doesn't give a fuck. Hell, I wasn't even responding to Jaime right away today. Ryan is the only one I've been consistent with. I'm scared I'm going to lose him too. He's too good to be true. But let's face it- I pull off this "down to earth, I don't give a fuck about anything" sort of ego when in reality I'm a fucking pussy who's scared of everything. Ryan has made me stable for the time being so I'm going to talk about my day. I just had to get all of that out so I figured I'd just type it in today's section since it was happening today. Well, technically it's early Monday morning on the 12th, but we all know I count my days by when I wake up and go to bed. I think I might ask my mom about going back to therapy honestly. I hate that shit and I really didn't see much improvement from last time but I really have no other options. Anyway, I woke up at about 3P.M. (I stay up until about 8 or 9A.M and watch 13 Reasons Why and talk to Ryan until I can't keep my eyes opened) Okay so off topic but that show is fucking amazing. It's depiction of high school is so raw and accurate it's beautiful. Anyway I woke up and my dad was already here so I got dressed and left. We went to this restaurant called Paul's by Goodwill. I ate too much. I had a six inch sub, three meatballs, and half of big ass salad. When I'm full I'm kind of happy though. My eating is fucked. It has been since I had a bad disorder in fifth grade. It comes and goes every few months or so. I can go days with barely eating a thing and then days where I eat everything in sight. After that we went to Goodwill and I did my regular procedure; check for Nintendo related products, antique clown merchandise, Webkinz, and rare Beanie Babies. Today was pretty weak. I got a Beanie Baby snail. He isn't worth much but I never saw one before and I felt bad for not getting him. He needed a home. :(( Ryan decided that we should name him Jeff. I also got this shirt, and omf it is literally identical to the shit Ryan wears. I swear I'm turning into him. -.- We then went to my dad's house and played Wii Sports Resort. I'm a fucking legend at table tennis and archery. My dad took us home after that. I felt pretty happy and motivated to clean my room or set up my new microscope. I video called with Ryan. He made me laugh and smile as usual. He's just the best. I know I gush over him a lot but whatever. Oh yeah also we made a deal that we're not allowed to die so oof. Uncle Beaver (not really my uncle, but my mom's friend since high school that the family is close enough to to give him the title "uncle") texted me to hang out and go for coffee. I went with him to Walmart to hang out after Jaime's birthday party. He says he wants to get me out of the house. I love spending time with him because I can be literally 500% honest and he gives great advice. Plus he knows my family so we can talk about that kind of stuff too. But yeah it's great how opened I can be; I swear, talk about relationships/sex, plus I'm "out of the closet". We went to Katie's (Kali's mom) coffee house. It's not like Starbucks or anything. It's an old fashioned coffee house. It's like just a place everyone goes to hang out and the atmosphere is chill as all hell. We talked to the barista and some of Uncle Beaver's friends there. We discussed blumpkins and some guy actually knew what it was and I asked him how he knew and he just walked away. I need to stop talking about blumpkins it's getting out of hand. I had a fudge brownie mocha latte (fuck I sound white) and a pride cupcake for pride month! :D We just basically talked and hung out til like 1A.M. then brought me home. He might be giving me some chores to do around his place for money. I really want to save up money. I also am gonna starting working at my dad's warehouse again overnight. I mean I'm up anyway right? But r.i.p. my wrists and knees. I got home and started cleaning. I saw a spider and almost shit my pants. I had a mental breakdown as you can see ^. Ryan stayed up and calmed me down so yay for his existence and the ironic time he was woken up by something falling on his head. God exists. I don't know what I'll be doing next. I decided on what I'm doing with my hair. Probably a dip dye ombre sort of thing with either coral or pastel pink. I'm going to go get pizza from the kitchen then maybe watch an episode of 13 Reasons Why. Wish me luck on trying to keep existing.