Self Expression of A Burden

January 18th, 2018

Here we go. I don't remember much besides the relevant parts. I got to school. My day was fine. Lunch Blue told me that I never did anything. It hurt because, well, I have physical medical limitations, plus I never had motivation or will from my depression. I kept thinking about it and went into a full blown panic attack. Shaking, crying. He apologized and held my hand. I calmed down towards the end of the period. Back at my locker afterwards he started YELLING! Right after I had a panic attack! THAT IS SUCH A NO NO LIKE FUCK. He said that I over reacted. That I always over react. I can't help it. I can't control my mental conditions. People think I can and I can't. I want to but it's automatic. Anyway I was crying full out now, almost having to go to the social worker. Blue stormed off and went to class. Josh came by my locker again. He didn't even see me crying and he just wanted to say what's up. That's so pure and sweet. (Another little thing that made me feel important.) I got my head from out of my locker and looked at him to reply and it was obvious I was crying. He looked so concerned and was just like "Oh my god what's wrong are you ok?" I just told him that Blue and I fought again. He helped me calm down and hugged me tight. He said he was there for me. I was able to continue my day. For some reason I text Green, telling him to meet me at my locker after school. I wanted to hug him, talk to him, see him in person. It had been literally almost a month since I last saw him in person. We had fought then Blue wanted me to stay away from him because of what happened. After school I go and hug Purple, and take a picture of our matching shirts. I told Blue earlier we'd go make out after school but I changed my mind since I had a headache. I told him to just go to track since my dad was picking me up right away. I left out the part about Green. I was just going to tell him later to keep him from yelling at me telling me not to go. I start walking toward my locker. I didn't see Green and it hurt. I figured he ignored my texts. I finally see him. I was so happy. I smile the biggest I have in days and run into his arms. He was smiling too. I tell him I missed him. We go toward the PAC to sit and talk a few minutes. My dad was almost there and I didn't have long. People were there. We just started walking around to find somewhere and we decide underneath the stairs. I got a bad vibe but ignored it. We sat next to each other. I explained the hell I went through all week. I asked him what to do. He grabbed my hand. I ke[t trying to pull away but he like, didn't let me. Why didn't you try harder or yell? You just were so happy to be with Blue. You promised to change. You promised to be a better person, yet here you are. I also knew I wasn't supposed to talk to Green though. He kissed my cheek. I felt that "I'm falling for you again" feeling in my chest. I wanted it to go. I wanted it to fucking burn in hell. I lashed out saying I have boundaries. I pulled my hand back and kept trying to keep some distance. I was about to leave but suddenly Blue comes downstairs. My heart literally shattered. He was so in shock. "Are you fucking serious? You're cheating on me you're with Green?!" Green was pissed. He yelled back "I'm not with her-" I cut him off and told him to just shut up. Blue yells again before I could respond "Fuck you were done!" I jump up to try to catch him from walking away, and hit my head really hard on the bottom of the stairs. It hurt bad and I got an instant migraine. I tried explaining myself in the hall but he just kept yelling. He said were done and that he had to go then walked off. I broke down, full on crying. I turn back around the corner to Green who had clearly listened and he had his arms already opened. I hugged him and cried awhile. He promised I'd be okay. He told me to just stay away from Blue and block him on everything. I should've listened. My dad was mad I was gone so long. He dropped me off and I went to physical therapy. I tried texting Blue, even though I knew he didn't have his phone at the moment. I was talking with Green. I told him I couldn't lose Blue. That I was scared. He assured me things would turn out and that he'd be there. Therapy was fine. I got home. Me and my mom shortly after went to the mall for track gear. My mind was taken off things and I was happy. She never goes to the mall. Also I love to shop. I got sport bras from PINK. We went to Justice for clothes. I'm way too old. I know. As I said though, lately embracing my inner child's been helping. I got some cute shorts and shirts. My mom let me get a stuffed rainbow llama and rainbow llama pajamas. We went to Sephora. I got this MILK hydrating cooling water stick. I wanted it forever. IT'S SO AMAZING AHHHH!!!! I got another lipstick. I reached 260 points (dollars!) on my rewards card, so I got some cute pins. We went home. My head still hurt. I was scared I got a concussion. Medicine wasn't working. I called Blue that night. I lost it and was crying on the phone. He told me he didn't love me anymore and acted so careless about me crying. He was even playing video games ignoring me. I just hung up and cried so hard and puked and couldn't breathe. My head was pounding. He texted me hours later saying he needed and loved me. I fought back. I listened to Green. I confronted Blue about everything he's done and said I didn't trust him loving me after being such an asshole. I texted Purple. And White. Eventually I just passed out.