Self Expression of A Burden

January 16th, 2018

As I said, I woke up with my eyes damn near swollen shut. I got dressed for school. Cried again. I grabbed my rose quartz. I'm definitely a Christian, being brought up the way I was, but I also believe in spiritual health/healing and what most would consider "witchcraft." (Even though that's not what it technically is.) Rose quartz is the crystal of love and passion... You know. All that bullshit. I was desperate and scared. I had no hope left at that point, so I just held it tight in my palm and just cried, thinking "I love him please please please don't let the love of my life slip away." And things alike. I held it tight for literal hours straight after that moment. Anyway, my dad picked me up for school.  I was quiet, he could tell something was wrong. I told him we weren't picking up Blue and it pissed him off. He knows how happy spending time with Blue in the car makes me and my dad gets pissed when Blue randomly decides not to come with us.  I got to school. I started crying again the second I walked out of the car. I hated this. I hated doing the same thing everyday. It was a routine; and I hate routine. I didn't want to do this anymore. He was the only thing that made my life, well, bearable. I sat hidden in a corner by the PAC. Josh, Jackie, and Fabian were walking around and they came to tell me hi and ask if I was alright. I wasn't really talking so they said they'd see me later. Blue finally got there and came and found me. I was a mess at this point, face red and puffy. He was in shock about how upset I was. I couldn't even make clear sentences. He talked to me. Held me. Calmed me down. He said he thought things through and he wanted to give me another chance... But I think guilt got to him. I didn't fully believe in that crystal shit, but this really made me think. I carried on the day, nothing significant happened. I got my first period changed from anxiety-inducing dance to coding. It's kind of hard. Sam was there. I sat by her at lunch last semester. Purple hates her, and for good reason, but, she's nice to me. She shows me little key chains on her bag. She gets so excited and it's so cute. I love seeing people excited about little things. She likes owls. I want to get her something with an owl even though were not that close and I don't know why. I sat out of gym. I was too upset to bother. I stuck around that girl I mentioned. Her name's Claire. I stayed after and got all my track information. I finally decided to do something. It was lonely at first. I didn't know anyone and no one sat by me. Blue ended up having to sit out too since neither of us had our forms. We talked, he had his arm around me. I was just thinking about how lucky I was. At one point I looked out the doors of the school by the field house. I could see the football field, and it made me sick. I remembered the time me and Blue had broken up for a week in November, (another long ass story for later.) I almost ended up with Green. I was kind of pressured, but I decided to go with him under the stands after school one day. We made out. I sat on his lap and it got sexual. I regret it. I wasn't ready and I know it hurt Blue. Anyway, we ditched together early. We wanted some *alone time.* We found a corner and made out. It got a little bad. Not terrible, but enough to get in trouble if we were caught. The adrenaline made me feel alive. I needed that. I was still feeling partially dead from the night before. We kept trying to leave but we didn't want to stop. Was it a sign? A sign he didn't want to let go? Was he glad we had each other too? I think so. My trust in him was fucked though. My dad picked me up. I made up a missed driving class. A kid from my regular class was making one up to. His name's Nick. (I found that out today.)  Nick talked to me, using my first name. I know that it's stupid and insignificant, but it made me feel worth. When I get so low, I realize everything little like that and use it for comfort I guess. I got Taco Bell after. I love Taco Bell. I've said it before but I don't care. I really, really, really, like Taco Bell. The rest of my night was normal I guess. Doctor appointment, no school tomorrow.