Self Expression of A Burden

January 26th, 2018

GOD I"M SO SHOOK OMLLLLLL!!!!!! So much happened today fuck fuck fuck. Okay so I woke up late, Blue texted me last minute he was taking the bus which pissed me off as always. My dad got me, I told him Blue and I were fighting. He told me I should get someone else if he makes me this upset. I just stayed quiet. I got to school and sat alone until Blue came and sat by me. We were good; I was irritated from the bus thing but got over it. I went to coding and actually finished my project, but then I was assigned ANOTHER project that's actually hella hard so whatever. Sam wasn't there. I wondered why. History was fine, they were working on partner projects but as always I asked to work alone. I finished in 20 minutes while everyone else took two days. Smh. I'm pretty sure in Bio I didn't do too great on my test. Math was fine. I had a quiz. Before study hall I talked to Blue. The passing period before study hall was when my day started getting fucked. I asked him if he was coming over after track and not blowing me off like last week. He flipped his shit. And it literally came down to me asking if he was gonna blow me off and he fucking shrugged and said I don't know I can't predict the future. That was the last straw. I knew he didn't give a fuck. I knew I had people who did though. There weren't many but they were enough. I told him "Fuck you" and walked off. Study hall I made my Amazon purchases of a rose quartz ring and a frost leopard Webkinz using my dad's card. Oops. Purple's been working on her own life story kinda thing and it has me shook. I love that I get to learn more about her in such detail. Before lunch during passing period Blue wouldn't stay off his phone then said 2 people messaged him on Instagram so I told him to show me. It was me and his cousin, but I saw a group chat too, so I asked him to see it and he got all pissy and protective then said I was the one going psycho. He made me want to throw up. I couldn't eat. I just went to sit by Red. He always made me feel better, which, he did. Blue called me yelling to buy him fries. I thought it was so fucked because he didn't even care I wasn't eating, he only cared that I bought him food. Besides, I was either low on or ran out of money. If he wasn't being such an ass I would've fed him and not me in a heartbeat. I was crying leaving lunch and again Josh came to the rescue, calming me down. I had PE. Talked with Claire. It was okay. Study hall I texted with Blue, I sent a giant paragraph. He finally snapped and wasn't trying to "one up" me and was trying to apologize. I refused. I texted with Pedro; he is just so sweet. English there was a sub. He asked if everyone was good after explaining the assignment, everyone in unison said "Yes sir!" and I just sat there. He then was like, "What about you ma'am, are you good?" And sarcastically I was like "Yes sir! :D" Then he was like, "You seem kind of annoyed." Then me, "That's just my face." The whole class laughed then he was just sitting there like "Oh.. Well, it's a good face.." After school Blue didn't come to my locker, and he always did even if we were fighting. I texted, and apparently he went to Subway because he was too hungry to go to track because he didn't get fries. :) Literally the whole day I only had an orange. So we sat by the PAC. He ate. I just stared at my Vans thinking about what to say, what to do. He tried hugging me. I let him. We kept almost kissing. I tried so hard not to give in but I did. It was the last time I'd be kissing him. I made my choice. I broke down crying. I told him this was the last time, that I couldn't do this, that it was for the best. I told him he'd find someone and that he'd be okay. He was sobbing at this point. I gave him my rose quartz crystal and walked away to go to track, we were already like 30 minutes late. Josh called me as I was walking. He always has perfect timing. Just hearing his voice calmed me down. He wanted to find out when I was getting home so we could hang. I told him probably around 6. I went to track. I had no motivation, so just sat out. I was allowed to leave, but I sat there. I was still crying. I gave in. I grabbed my bags and ran out, hoping to catch Blue. He was walking, dressed, and going to track after all. I told him to come talk a minute and he said he had to go and that we'd talk later. I sat in the corner crying the whole time. My two senior friends noticed and came and cheered me up. I appreciate them. Blue literally just ran out after track. He saw me crying the whole time and didn't care. I usually give him a ride home so I kept texting and calling, but nothing. I ran into Jordan from PRISM in the summer on my way out. We talked. She's so sweet. One of the Special Ed kids Ben from archery was there and hugged me. He's adorable. They left and I started talking to this new girl I met through Jordan, her name was Nina. So sweet. I got picked up by Robbie. I was so eager to see Josh. After my shit day I just needed to spend time with him. I came home, changed into something warmer, then left. We met at the park. Sat at the top again. I explained my day. We got to know each other more. I'm obsessed with getting to know him better. He's apparently really athletic. He had his arm around me. It was super windy. He made me laugh and smile so much. We decided to hang out again tomorrow. He had to go, he kind of snuck to see me. I started heading home. I was honestly scared walking alone. I saw someone else walking my direction and my heart dropped. I was literally one house away from mine until the figure said, "Hey aren't you my boyfriend's girlfriend?" He walked toward me. It was Green's friend. I forgot his name but found out it was Jimmy. I've met him once or twice, and from what I picked up he was a total asshole. The reason he said that to me is because Green told everyone we were dating and then Jimmy made the joke that Green was "his boyfriend." So anyway I laughed and was like, "Yeah hey what's up?" then he said "What are you doing out here walking alone?" Like oml. Guys. We don't even KNOW each other that well and he STILL was concerned. Fuck. More guys like this please??? I told him I was hanging out with Josh and I was on my way home and then returned the question, asking why he was out walking alone. He told me because he felt like it. I told him I'd come with. We started walking and then this guy came up. He's made fun of me before at LT. He was friends with Jimmy I guess. They talked a second. He asked what we were doing. Jimmy said just walking. We started talking together a little. Jimmy kept calling me little cutie and I was shook. When the dude left we started walking. We were pretty open with each other. I liked it. He's so flirty. I never have met someone so smooth. Like everything he says is perfectly timed and just perfectly said. I cleared up the situation about Green. I asked where we were going, because I didn't really go anywhere or do anything, and his response was literally, "I guess I'll have to take you somewhere beautiful then." I was like "Where??" Then he said the quarry. I was shook. It was insane, illegal and just fucking stupid. I liked it. This is what I meant when I said I needed to live. To have adventures. It's funny how it happened out of nowhere, right after I mentioned it. I never did anything this dumb. We went. The whole walk there was wild. We were kind of play insulting each other, being dicks. I told him I was brutally honest about shit and that I didn't care. We have a lot in common. We had deep conversations. He asked me about my day. We eventually reached a silence until he broke it; "You know, you go through a lot. And you really don't deserve it." And my heart m e l t e d. Like yes! Finally some recognition. He kept making comments about him living life to well, live. And I loved that. I want to live like that. I'm always too scared. Too alone. We finally got into the quarry. We were pretty close and my heart was pounding. I felt alive. "Jimmy this is fucking crazy. I like it." then he was like, "You know what else would be crazy?" AND HE LEANED IN TO KISS ME!!!!! I was like "Too soon calm your tits." He apologized. It wasn't awkward even though you think something like that would be. We exchanged numbers and laid on the ground, staring at the sky. We talked a straight hour. He tried making another move and I started getting scared, realizing where I was with someone I barely knew. My trust issues started to get to me. But, he apologized and didn't try again after that. He respected "no." Unlike everyone else. Oof. He even held my hand over little ditches and big steps, and pushed the tall grass and weeds out of my way when we were walking there and back. He's just overall hella respectful and down to earth. I told him I should get going and he walked me home. All the way home. Offered to even walk me in. We hugged, I thanked him, and he said he wanted to see me tomorrow. I got home and started typing this ASAP. In each other's phones our contact names are "Douche." We texted right away. He wanted me to call him! I didn't even ask. I had to ask with Green and Blue. I didn't though, because I hate phone calls with most people. I DM'd Green that I had hung out with Jimmy just to rub it in his face because why not. I was flipping and texted Purple. Blue texted he missed me like ok lol. He kept calling, I said I was busy and denied his calls like he always did to me. I finally answered one and we talked a few minutes. I almost had a panic attack it was so uncomfortable. I started to miss him again. Started feeling alone. I smelled Josh and Jimmy on my sweatshirt and it helped calm me down. I had to leave in the middle of typing to go help my grandpa. I got shrimp for dinner of course. We went to Walmart, I brought in the bags, we stopped at an ATM and then he dropped me off. I'm home now, typing this. I can't wait until tomorrow. I need to feel something again. I'm going to bed now. I have to get up in a few hours. I think I'll be alright. I'm starting not to feel alone.