Self Expression of A Burden

June 11th, 2018

I'm writing this early morning of the 12th. I stayed up until like 9 something this morning, then proceeded to sleep a mere hour and a half. I somehow functioned all day and got away with a 20 minute nap. I ended up showering, and though that should be an everyday "normal" task, you all know how hard it is for me to take care of myself, so I was pretty proud of myself for showering on a whim. While not as extreme as the actual mental breakdown, the aftermath was pretty shitty. I went from sad, to mad, back to sad, then the final stage of numbness. I said I didn't want to feel anything; this isn't what I meant. When I get that "numb" feeling, it's like an emptiness. Like a hopeless feeling where I give up on using emotion and resort to pure logical thinking. It's comparable to being weighed down at the ankles and just sinking forever to the ocean floor. Before I went to sleep I called Ryan, regardless of me telling him I was in no state to talk, he called anyway. I hate people seeing me in any state worse than my "normal" so I told him it'd probably be annoying. He didn't even respond to my text and just called. He is just the fucking sweetest guy to exist. Part of me really needed him but the other part was just trying to protect him. Here's a hint; if I try pushing you away, that's probably a time I need you most. I fell asleep shortly after only to be woken up by mom an hour and a half later. I called him again until my dad came to get me. We went to McDonald's, then to throw some newspaper complaints from this morning he didn't deliver, then to Aldi, then to Hobby Lobby. I got some paint I needed and then bought this completely childish looking sign that says "Princess" that I don't really regret. I like being called princess. It makes me feel like I'm important. Not to mention the childish aspect. I mentioned before how I have childlike tendencies; especially lately. I feel it's a way my brain is trying to cope so it tries taking me back to simpler times when I was actually happy and didn't have depression. (Pre fall of 2014) We went back to my dad's house and I kept eating a lot of snacks. I also played Mario Kart on the Wii and I'm still pissed about Shy Guy not being a character option (maybe I'll unlock him, I doubt it though) because he is my all time favorite Mario world character. Even though he's fairly insignificant story wise and is just another minion of Bowser. My dad and I made shish kabobs in which he set up a bunch of ingredients then called out to me on what to put on the stick when. I put the stick in the sausage crooked and he flipped out and then I could never get the mini potatoes on it because they were raw and hard. In the process on putting chicken on or something I pricked my finger and started bleeding and that set him off and he literally told me to either go sit down or go back to playing Mario Kart. I have dealt with thousands of finger pricks in my life by now, so I didn't have much of a reaction. When I was sent home from the hospital after being diagnosed with T1 (type one) I for some reason chose my left pinky finger to be my favorite pricking finger. So nearly every time I check my blood sugar, I used that finger. And since I use it so much it has formed a callous and no longer hurts when I do it. If you were to look closely you could see all the little dots from the pokes. My dad pretty much took us home after we ate. My dad brought food to my annoying neighbor and she ended up coming over for a few minutes then proceeded to fucking come in the house though everyone was outside so she could talk to me. She's nice yeah, and I used to really like her, and for awhile after my grandma passed was my "grandma figure" but just thinking about all that reminds me of what happened and I try to just keep distance so I'm not reminded. When I got home guess what I did? If you guessed call Ryan you're right. We eventually started falling asleep though. He's cute when he's sleepy. I began trying to set up my brother's iPod shuffle I got him for his birthday. I made a vow awhile ago to only get my brother and sister music related things for birthdays and holidays. I decided it would be my "thing". Especially since music means so much to me. I fell asleep trying to charge it and just woke up a little bit ago. His was charged so I exchanged it for mine and adjusted the songs I wanted on it. I pulled out my Chromebook waiting for mine to charge. I now realize I really don't have much else to say. I'm so tired but I really want to watch 13 Reasons Why and/or listen to music. Maybe one episode then bed. Also Carlos didn't contact me all day until he randomly called after Ryan and I hung up. I refused to answer his calls. I texted him asking what he wanted but he refused to tell me and said I had to answer the phone. I told him I was going to block him and then he got upset and was like "Why...?" and I said "Because." Then he sent "?" and I sent "Figure it out yourself." Which instantly pissed him off, so he just sent "K". Also Jaime explained he couldn't keep his ringer on since he's sleeping in the same room as his mom which, on his behalf is an ok reason, but the way he just showed no concern or anything when he woke up and saw I had a bad night pissed me off. Maybe even he's starting to not give a shit. Fuck me I'm suffering.