Self Expression of A Burden

August 1st, 2018

It's fucking August already. How? I have a lot to say so prepare for skipping around like crazy. I love love love Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles. They are my ultimate favorite chip. I have eaten them RELIGIOUSLY since was like five. I've been getting a bag each week with Gampa, the thing is is that I usually eat the whole bag in one sitting. I have no self control. Not that that wasn't already known though. To be honest with you, I have been feeling pretty good. I obviously fluctuate and have "lows and highs" but I'm enjoying this "high". Honestly I'm sitting here thinking that I have so much to say I kinda just want to push this off again. But I won't. Probably anyway. So when I got back from vacation we all lounged around awhile. Eian deadass came to my house roughly 20 minutes after we got back. He mowed the lawn and Mom and I brought shit in. I talked with Eian outside a little while. The rest of the day was pretty chill. I don't remember much happening other than talking to Ryan and Jaime.

AH BIG TIME RUSH JUST CAME ON I FORGOT I OUT THEM ON MY PLAYLIST THEY WERE MY FAVORITE SHOW AND BAND IN LIKE THIRD GRADE AH. LOGAN AND JAMES WERE MY FAVORITE.

I swear if someone sang a Big Time Rush love song to me, I'd just fucking marry them on the spot. They are amazing. Yes they're a cheesy boy band but I don't care. The next day I went with my dad. Making it Thursday. He took me to this spiritual store and I met and talked to the store owner, bought some dried sage and crystals, and just looked around a little. Oh shit I just realized that this was the same day I saw Ryan. It felt like separate days for some reason. I was getting shit from my dad so he wouldn't drop me off anywhere. Ryan was able to be brought to the library my house though. We sat in there a little. We found a book with ugly ass shoes in it. We walked around awhile outside. Went to a forest preserve. We couldn't get too far in though because of weird, tall ass plants. There was a bunch of fireflies though. It was super cool. I got one to land on my hand. He stayed there a couple minutes. I named him Sol. Because, ya know, "sun" in Spanish. We walked back towards my house. We were messing around on my long board. I was impressed how fast he caught on. But kinda not, because he's a pretty smart guy. We went to the park when it got dark out. Some assholes were blowing off fireworks and I got super freaked. Whenever they go off I feel like they're being shot at me in every direction. Then to make it worse this girl that pissed me off came to the park and I was still recovering from my panic attack a little so I got really mad and even more anxious. He got picked up a little while after that. We didn't do much that day, but I just absolutely love talking to him. I could just sit in the same spot and listen to him all day. The next day I had Robbie bring me to Five Below, Target, and Half Priced Books. I wanted Peace Tea from Five Below. It's the best. My favorite flavor is Razzleberry though. 11/10. I got a cool looking journal for making my Book of Shadows. I also got a Wicca book. Robbie was super pissed and thinks I'm a satanist now. My mom actually knew what it was and was fine with it. I had to get a new phone charger from Target, and in the process found a Shy Guy plush. I have wanted a plush of him for awhile. I've been carrying him everywhere. He's actually right next to my computer now. I went with Gampa as usual. We went for dinner, shopping, then his house for cards. I love tomato and basil soup by the way. I get double orders when we go to Applebee's. Also, I have been nonstop eating and am always hungry. And I'm gaining weight. I hate my body even more now. I wish I knew what was going on. I'm going to try losing weight I think. Son of a bitch that was in the wrong order. Time has just became nonexistent for me lately, sorry. I went shopping with Robbie Saturday. Friday I woke up to Eian knocking asking me to hang out. We sat on my stairs and talked awhile. We then went to his porch and hung out there with his dogs until Gampa came to pick me up. Sunday with my dad we just went to his house. He cooked dinner. Pretty much same with Monday. He showed me the house he's planning on getting. I don't know what's going on, he said he was buying it, then realized he wouldn't have enough, then was able to get the money and blah blah. I think he's planning on it though. And within the next week or so. The place he lives now will be mine. But we plan on  s l o w l y  arranging everything and moving since we wouldn't be in a rush. If all this goes as planned, I will be so fucking happy. That would be my ideal future that I've designed in my mind; moving out asap, save up for dream house, go to college locally, get decent job, get house. Honestly; ever since I was younger I've wanted a big house. I never had a house actually. We lived with my grandparents awhile, who had a house, if you can count that. I've only lived in trailers and apartments. I don't know. I feel like it's a lot for me. At least it's happening. Speaking of future, I'm taking some online psychology courses; criminal, child, and social. I don't know if I had mentioned but I made my career choice. At least the field. Psychology. Tuesday, (and you know, "today" in Linda time.) I got to see Ryyyyyan. We went to the mall and to dinner. My dad and brother wanted to stay in the car. Believe it or not that's super typical. The mall was fun. We got matching Vaaaans!! It is literally the cutest thing ever. I can't handle it. It even made my dad smile lmao. Also Ryan kept trying to buy me things and I felt super guilty about it. He ended up getting me this necklace though. It wasn't cOnSenTuaL. It's the "tree of life" tree in a glass circle on I assume hemp cord. I LOVE it. It's really cool looking I can't describe it though so sorry lol. It caught my eye because it reminds me of the woods and then I like the whole mother nature symbolism with the tree of life stuff. Also it was just cool looking. Also there's no metal so it won't turn my skin green. Nut. But yeah he bought it by force and I felt super guilty but then I was really happy about it. He's too precious for this world. (Also when you're reading this, thanks baby!! :D) We went out to eat after. We were alone for that too. It was nice because we got to talk more. Even though we already were for a few hours. I had an encounter in the women's bathroom with these two other girls. We talked about concerts and bands. She wanted my social media because she "liked me". Pretty sure it wasn't in the gay way though, just for clarification. Also to put it out there, I don't really have male attraction anymore besides Ryan, I lean more towards girls than I thought. But yeah dinner with Ryan was nice. Like I've said a million times, he's really great. I got so damn lucky. Oh yeah, my dad's taking us to House on the Rock next week for a few days. And even better; RYAN'S COMING! I have this feeling we're gonna end up sleeping together. My dad is trying to kind of think of ways to avoid it, but I'm almost positive that it'll happen. I'm pretending like it won't affect me and that I think it'd be weird. I'm surprised he hasn't thought of Ryan and Bob sleeping together and me and him sleeping together, or requesting a fold up bed or something lmao. Also I hope not, but I think the rooms may have fold out couches. Even if they do I doubt he'll remember. I love House on the Rock. It's a nostalgia thing. And last time I went I didn't get to look around as much as I wanted, so Ryan being the type of guy he is, I'm sure we'll be the same pace. I'm glad my dad is able to take some days off. His job is a lot on him, and he hasn't had a day off in three years. He works everyday too. 365. Also, Jaime and I mended our relationship so we've been getting along super well. I still haven't seen him since he left in June. Two fucking months. It's like I'm lacking vitamin J. Hopefully he'll be coming over on either Thursday or Friday. Maybe Saturday. Carlos was supposed to come over on Thursday or Saturday. He pissed me off though. He started swearing at me and shit. He only talks to me when it's convenient. I told him to leave me alone since that was his last chance. He started shit with me tonight though again so. He's really not worth my time anymore. Me trying to be a good person and let him in my life actively again only made me more upset so fuck that. I have enough on my plate to be worrying about his drama. I have to take care of my boyfriend, best friend, family, and even though I don't do it much... myself. Oh yeah, late Monday night/Tuesday morning Gampa brought me Wendy's because he forgot he had to be fasting for his doctor appointment and had already ordered the food. It was nice seeing him for a few minutes. I love him so much. I'm starting to get a little excited about school. I don't know why. I guess I have a lot to look forward to, thanks to Jaime and Ryan. Since I don't have Carlos breathing down my neck I'm gonna do PRISM again. In fact I'm gonna go to a summer meeting tomorrow/today. I want to join girl's basketball maybe. I was always a cheerleader for it, but I always wondered what it'd be like to play. I know all the rules already from seeing so many games. Plus I want to get more involved. So yeah. That's everything. Probably missing something to be honest. Oh Monday I went to Hobby Lobby. The fall decor got me hyped. I love fall. I love love love Halloween. Every year I go full out and decorate the house, buying my own decorations and putting everything up myself. I still go trick-or-treating. I still dress up. I threw an epic family party two years ago. I want to throw one with more people, particularly from school, but I don't have room. Maybe if my dad gets the house. Also, last year I barely decorated because of depression, because of Carlos. Which I'm still mad about. I didn't do my outside set-up. It was pretty epic a few years ago. Sorry for the rambling. But yeah overall I'm pretty fucking happy. My anxiety is still abundant but the depression has toned down. It's like the noose around my neck was loosened or something. I can breathe. And I'm looking forward to a lot. Oh yeah, I had this idea for a HELL of a novel in 8th grade, and I really want to put it into format. I might ask Ryan for help. It's kind of twisted and there's a lot we can do with the concept. I completely forgot about it up until an hour ago. Also I don't know when but Uncle Beaver came over and he came into my room and talked to Ryan and Jaime with me awhile. He's the best. Okay I'm done for real now. 

Wait no I also learned the word cafuné. Look it up it's great.

Okay now I'm done. Bye.