Self Expression of A Burden

February 8th, 2018

As you know I'm writing this 3 days later, so it won't be too descriptive other than the main parts. So I wake up to my dad calling me saying to either take the bus or wait for him to come and be super late. I obviously pick being late and go back to sleep. All week I stayed in the same sweatshirt and only changed my pants, but 2/3 of the days of school I attended last week, wore pajama pants. I even slept in the same shit. I didn't care. My dad picked me up and stopped at McDonald's. I got an iced coffee, apple juice box, and a sandwich. I got to school. I'm on first name basis with the attendance lady. I walked in with another late chick and she was like "What's your name hun? Sign in with your ID." then when she saw me, "Oh hey Linda. Just sign in and go to class." I thought that was kind of cool lol. I missed first. It was toward the beginning of second. I walked in, they were doing this group project/game. She tried putting with me with people and I refused as usual. I worked solo and was more on top of shit then all the other kids. I was packing up and that kid Angel walks up to me at the end of class everyday when I'm in my seat packing up and just hugs me when I'm not paying attention. He asks how I'm doing. If it's really obvious, sometimes he'll ask what's wrong. He makes jokes and gets me too laugh. Sometimes he just keeps going at it if he doesn't get me to crack. It's almost as his goal is to get me to laugh before we part ways for class. Third was fine. I had a test in Bio. Not sure if I did too well. Hope so. I'm failing 3 classes and it's killing me. All my mom does is scream about it when I'm trying my best. Also my anxiety's gotten so bad again I'm back to carrying Febi with me 24/7. Everywhere. Class, dinner, the store, showers. Fourth math was okay, I sit by Hannah. Not sure if I mentioned her. I hated her at first but we're friends now. And were both close with Claire from my PE class. I sit next to Red's ex and I hate her, but she thinks were friends and is constantly talking to me and knew my name so whatever. She sneezes a lot and they are soooo annoying. I was leaving math to go to study hall and I always see the same people at the same time. It reminds me of my whole "routine" I have and I hate it. However, lately I've been running into White. She's so supportive and I love her to death. I wish we used to talk and see each other as much as last year. Whenever she spots me in the hallway, she deadass runs full speed into my arms. Today was a day she did that. I caught her and hugged her. We talked a minute then she grabbed my arm and kissed it before running off. People probably think we're really gay but she kisses everyone's arms lol. It's cute. I go to study hall. Kind of just sit there. Text with Claire from across the room. We're becoming close fast and it scares me. I leave and go to lunch with Blue. I packed food but I didn't want it anymore. I just wanted ice cream. I was too scared to go alone and Blue wouldn't come. I went with Red and Cesar instead. Red was so willing so fast to just come with me. I told him I was too scared to go alone and he dropped everything and came with. I'm actually tearing up writing this because he's always been so great and always has done stuff like that for me. When we're in line we were standing really close together like we always do. Just to either a) Look at memes or b) because we whisper when we talk since it's usually personal or inappropriate. I buy us ice cream, Cesar gets his lunch, then we go and sit. Cesar stays at the table they were at and Red comes to sit and we talk until Blue comes with his lunch. Red goes to get his backpack. Blue suddenly throws a fit and says I better not let Red sit there since me and him just talk and exclude him. I told him that maybe I'd include him if he wasn't always on his phone ignoring me. I told him to go tell Red himself but he said I had to do it. I get up and go explain shit to Red and he got pissed Blue was talking to me like that and said he was sitting there now just to piss him off. So we came back and they had a little argument. Red made me laugh the whole lunch though. I kept trying to talk to Blue and involve him but ignored me. Then Blue wouldn't help me open my milk. Red did though, then proceeded to yell at Blue. HE wouldn't take my garbage like he always does either. Red offered to throw it away but I told him it was fine and did it myself. Blue ran off like a bitch. Whenever he's mad he decides to just start running away. I don't care and I run after him trying to talk to him even though it fucks up my asthma and makes me cry. What an analogy huh? So I met Blue at my locker he was ignoring me and kept being an asshole jerking his backpack around and it hit my arm. He ran off. I kept trying to tell him to stop and talk about it and be rational. He just kept swearing and pushing. Finally when I began to not be able to breathe he stopped and while we kind of sorted shit out he was all snappy and being a dick. I had a group therapy meditation session in the student services department instead of gym so I went there. It was helpful actually. Helped calm me down. Got along with the other two girls. One was Claudia from my middle school. We weren't friends but got along. She's tight with Green and tried asking about why me and him weren't speaking anymore. I shrugged it off. Study hall I did a make up test. English there was a sub and I was laughing the whole time with Karla. After school I told Blue I wanted to spend time together and talk because I was going to the library instead of track to work on my coding homework. We went under our usual staircase. He kept getting on his phone. All he ever does is go on his phone but he never can text or call me. I had to keep asking for him to put it away. I just broke down crying and he tried hugging me to calm me down but I had a breaking point. I went off. I told him he didn't care anymore, that I could tell. That if he did he'd spend more time with me and be better. He had nothing to say. I asked him why he was with me and his initial response was... "I don't know." ....</3 I can't even tell you the pain sensation I felt throughout my body. I told him he shouldn't've led me on so long when he knew how serious I was about our relationship. I did something I never did. I walked away. Didn't go after him. I walked away. "Don't come to me later saying this was my fault when I gave you my whole fucking heart and you only gave me a piece of yours. As I turned the corner there was this tall kid walking down the hallway. I tried to stop whimpering and sniffling and froze in place. It was too late. He noticed. My sight was foggy and I was trying to hide my face. He walked up to me and asked if I was okay and I said yeah, in a pretty snappy tone. He didn't give up though. He laughed and was like, "You sure?" Remembering how I probably looked and trying to act okay made me laugh to. I responded "No." pretty coldly. He smiled and was like "Want to talk about it?! :D" My initial thought was, wow let's get involved with another person who wants in my pants! But then my second thought was, you are really fucked up right now and you need support and to vent and forget about him. So I agreed. His name was Tate. Tall, kinda curly brown hair, white. We walked around talking for like half an hour. So sweet. So easy to talk to. We got into some deep conversations. The way he thinks is really incredible. Eventually he gave me his number so he could send me some music, seeing as we have a lot of the same preferences, plus he wanted to be there for me which I found nice. Also he seemed so genuine because he had a girlfriend he was happy with which made me relieved. I finally got to the library. Angel was there with his girlfriend. He hugged me and asked if I was alright. I didn't say much. I got called over by this group of guys. One of them being Vincent, an obnoxious, ghetto kid from my middle school. Him and 3 other trashy looking people. They somehow knew my name. If you know me I'm really quiet and secretive and overall antisocial. They all start telling me how they heard I was "freaky." They said I was a hoe. They said I was always with different guys. They said they saw me with Jaime at lunch in line grinding on each other. We obviously didn't. They said everyone said I was good in bed, that I sleep with everyone. I told them I was a virgin and was only with Blue. They didn't listen. Vincent told them I was bi. I didn't deny it. Why should I? They all started arguing with me that that didn't exist and that I was lesbian. Every time I tried walking away Vincent would go in front of me so I couldn't and they'd all tell me to stay.  In the middle of this conversation the library closed. We all walked out to the front of the main foyer. There was a flock of kids waiting for the bus. Including Josh, who has been ignoring me, and Ian, that kid that was being an ass when I had hung out with Jimmy. Though I didn't think I was on good stances with either of these people, they were happy to see me. Ian was like, "Don't I know you?" "Yeah.. From Jimmy..." "Oh yeah. What's your name again?" "Linda, you?" "Ian. We should totally hang out sometime." I couldn't believe this shit lmfao. "Cool." "Just cool?" "It was an agreeing cool." He handed me his phone to put his number into. I typed it super fast because I wanted to talk to Josh. I honestly didn't even know if I typed it right. I didn't fix it though, because it being wrong would've made things even better. :) I grabbed Josh's arm and pulled him to the side and was literally like what the fuck? And he was just staring at me like everything was okay. He asked me what was wrong. I was soooo mad but soooo not because fuck his eyes. I looked down so I didn't have to look into them. I told him that he ignored all my texts and calls and avoided me in public and that I didn't know what was going on and needed to know what he was feeling. He said his mom deleted shit off his phone or something and had me give him my number back. He seemed so honest about it, and he's never lied. I just thought that time would tell. I sat there thinking while everyone else hung out. Eventually they were all gone. I began to cry again. My phone buzzed with lie 10 notifications. Tate had sent me music already. I smiled a little but went into panic mode a few seconds later. I went to the bathroom to pee and cry. I had enough time to write a letter to Blue before he left track and before I got picked up. I sat and wrote a letter apologizing I wasn't enough, that I loved him, that he stopped caring and that I couldn't deal with being treated like nothing. That if he actually gave a fuck to prove it because I'm on my last straw. I went and put it in his locker and as I was walking down the stairs and through the hallway we walked right in front of each other and scared each other. Then we realized who we were and I literally broke down crying again and just turned around to try and get myself together and he looked like he was about to cry too when I turned back around. He grabbed me and hugged me tight. I grabbed his arm. Gently. And had him open his locker. He got the note and after a few seconds it made him full out cry. I guess the way I word things and stuff has that affect on people. I've gotten strong reactions like that before. It makes me like myself for a few seconds. He told me he did care, that he couldn't lose me, that he'd do better. He always said this. He never does. I fell for it anyway, because, well, I love him. I love him to death. I explained the events prior and he cheered me up saying that I was so much more than what those guys said. We kissed a little, it wasn't sensual, it was really passionate and loving. And when I pulled away and gently pulled me back in. He barely did little things like that anymore and it made me so happy. My mom was there so I left to physical therapy. After therapy  the storm started. I got snacks from the gas station on my way home then had dinner. This was the beginning of my uncontrollable eating. After dinner Tate and Blue texted me school was cancelled. Tate told me first, then my mom, then Blue. I fell asleep shortly after. My mind's a mess.