Self Expression of A Burden

January 24th, 2018

Today was WILD. Hold onto yOur seatS foLks. OH! By the way I'm writing this the 25th, I've been trying to catch up from last week for days now. So my mom wakes me up at 10:30, I get dressed rather slowly because fuck. There was talk about Me, Fabian, Josh, Elijah, and Nick going to see The Last Jedi at La Grange theater. I've been dying to see it one last time before it goes out on DVD. I get to school during 4th period math. It was okay, we were using our phones for Desmos but I just messaged Green. We were still fighting. Then some random number texts me yelling and swearing to leave him alone, along with this retard Zach who can't mind his own business and always asks me personal questions. He called me "emo" like lmfao. People who use that term in HIGH SCHOOL need to grow up. People aren't called something because of how they dress... It's literally clothes. Like??? Well anyway, I know damn well that he wasn't referring to my style he was referring to my depression. How did he find that out? Gee, I wonder. So I confront Green about his fag friends and he just denies telling them shit. So turns out he was "venting" because his friends were "there for him." In reality this cunt was telling people about our fights and showing them messages, but leaving out parts where he did something wrong. He's a two faced bastard and he's losing friends so fast because of shit he's done to me. So I'm obviously really fucking pissed. I decide that I'm going to ruin his life. It'd be simple; just expose him and tell people things he's done to me. He claims he did nothing wrong so I sent him a long ass list. I tell Red about the situation, he agrees he wants revenge too. The bell rings, I get my ranch from Elijah, and meet Blue by my locker. I explain everything then walk him to class. This bitch walks past saying hi to me like she usually does, then tells me how "my boyfriend pushed her in the water" even though Blue promised he didn't look at or touch any girls during swim. He's such a liar. So I turn to him and I was like, "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" and he had nothing to say lmao. I told him I was done and walked away. We texted in study hall about it and I'm still pissed but we kind of made up. I know he lies about interacting with girls now though. Who knows what else he's done? You didn't want to fuck with me today. I know exactly how to ruin anyone's social/school life so. Lunch I sat by Red, Blue, and Cesar. He's been a close friend of mine since last school year. I forgot exactly how we met. I should ask him actually. I sat out of gym. I didn't feel like it. I did however join at the end for this thing my teacher likes to do. It's so stupid. She makes us do these weird stretches and close our eyes and breathe for a minute. I actually found it relaxing this time though. I just had a really fucked day probably. I meditate a little on my own and it usually is pretty efficient. I'm thinking about maybe finding a yoga class now, it'll help me constantly getting cramps and relax. Plus, more fitness. I can feel myself feeling a little better since track started. A little mentally, not much, but mostly physically. Don't get me wrong I've been nonstop sore as hell but I have longer endurance breathing wise and my heart rate's been staying lower. Meaning, I can run longer.  Study hall was good, Pedro was there. I told him about the bullshit drama with Green. He told me fuck him and not to listen to his friends. I agreed. English was worse. Everyone was asking me to revise and I was trying to help them while staying on task writing my own thing and it was ugh. After class Blue went to go talk to the track coach since his neck was hurting. I waited by my locker. Green started to walk by. :)))))))) I grabbed his arm and pulled him by my locker. He was speechless and clearly uncomfortable. I was like, "What the fuck is your problem?" and he still acted innocent. I was so pissed and wanted to kill him but he HUGGED ME while I was trying to make a point. Then he kept looking at me with thOSE EYES UGH. So you know what? I apologized for flipping all day. APOLOGIZED! I didn't even do anything! Then he said he had to go and HUGGED ME AGAIN and I pulled away and was like "I hate you." and he said "I hate you too." Then I was like, "No! You literally are driving me crazy." And he was just like "Yeah you do too." Then there was a pause and I told him "No. Like I really, really hate you." and he did that smirk he does, then, " Do you really Linda?" I sighed so hard oml. I thought of what to say before I said it. Then I continued, "No. I hate that I don't hate you. I like you, I care about you, and it's killing me because you're an asshole. I hate how I feel. I'll see you later." Then I walked away. I can literally feel him making me lose my shit. Blue and I mess around a few minutes then he goes to track and I go to make up a science lab from Bio. I then get ready for track and head there. I run into Kenny from my middle school and we walk there together. He was one of the first people I met last year. He's done some things to me though that kind of hindered our friendship. I join in practice with Alia and her other friend. I think her name's Mia? It was an easier day today. I also got out hella early. I talked to Mr. Pontrelli again. We decided we'd start emailing to talk more. We also agreed that venting to each other helps us both. Blue and I went to mess around again. It got pretty *bad* this time. I'm so crazy about him. When we kiss, it's just so... I don't know. Passionate? When he's not flipping out he's actually a really good guy. But that's the thing, he's not even trying to stop doing that kind of stuff. The movies were cancelled, my mom picked us up, we dropped off Blue. I got home then met Josh at the park. I only had like 40 minutes. We sat on the stairs towards the middle of the playground structure side to side because there was a cold draft. We talked about Green mostly. Apparently Green went to Josh today telling him bullshit too. Josh didn't fall for his bullshit, he even said himself that Green's the type to seem like a good guy but then turns around and stabs you in the back. He said I should drop him. I told him I wanted to but we have the same friend group and it'd be awkward. Josh said he'd drop him too, which I thought was kind of sweet. But mostly I thought it was logical since he's an asshole. Josh and I had always been friends like I said, but never "close." Our relationship was all making jokes and talking shit about people. I didn't know he was like this; the type to listen and be there, have deep conversations, be supportive. Same with his brother Elijah. He is such a genuinely good person. Josh told me Elijah's been messaging me a lot because he's lonely and only has a few friends. It kind of hurt. He's such a good person if you give him a chance. Same with Josh, there's a whole other side to him. He doesn't just goof off all the time, he's more than that. It's funny who turns out to be your real friends when you hit your lowest point. Josh told me they might be moving to Wisconsin and my heart sunk. I really appreciated those two and everything they do. It'd be weird for them not to live here. We talked about everything under the sun for the most part. Even though we had a mere 40 minutes. We both were late going home. We just didn't want to stop talking. We were both 10 minutes late. Anyway we parted ways and went home. I wrote when I got home, my mom and Robbie went to go pick up something, Robbie was dropped off, Mom went to go do her taxes. I ate a lot of cheese balls and texted Elijah. I had McDonald's for dinner. I texted Purple about everything that happened Saturday to now, we texted for hours. I went to bed late again. I didn't want to but I did.