Self Expression of A Burden

January 8th, 2018

Today wasn't terrible. I couldn't sleep again. I browsed the internet mainly watching American Girl videos and thinking of scenarios in my head. Things got bad. I listened to some music. These two songs in particular have been killing me lately- they describe everything I'm feeling and going through. It hurts like hell. Scientist by Coldplay and Drown by Tyler Joseph. I got White Castle at 8am, not eating caught up to me and I was starving. I finally fell asleep for 4 hours then got up because I had to babysit awhile, and during that time sewed. Blue started to let me down again. I'm starting to believe people don't change. No one important to me has ever stayed. Red and Purple seem to really love me though. They're always there and I love them to death. I'm in love. Not romantically, I just admire everything about them and appreciate everything they do. I feel guilty I have no way to truly express it. Red has stuck around and been there for a year and a half now. I love them. I went with my dad after babysitting and got some green bubble tea, I've only had it twice now but knowing that something so amazing exists, it gives me hope. Surely it's only a beverage but it makes me happy and that's rare right now. I still haven't heard from Green. After that fight I'm not even sure if I miss them or want them anymore. My brother and dad fought all day; yelling, arguing, swearing. I hate stuff like that it makes me uncomfortable as hell. I hate everything loud unless it's from music or a concert crowd. We went to Walmart. I get bad anxiety at the store because I don't want to be caught buying clothes or toys there. Lately I've been absorbed into doing things I used to do when I was kid. Something about the nostalgia makes life bearable. I bought a Shopkins doll, she's dressed rather hippy-ish and I admire that aesthetic. I bought a Nickelback CD. I think I own them all now. People say they're a shitty band but they've always been one of my favorites. I bought a small pair of headphones for my American Girl Doll and a mini fish tank too. I have a dream of making stop motions and creating a whole room decorated with tiny furniture and stuff. Like a really big dollhouse. I've never had a enough space in my passed apartments or trailers, and I don't think I ever will. Besides, no one would want to even help with something so stupid, and I need help with the computer stuff, I'm not techy. I asked Blue if they wanted to help me build a little single room scenario to use, they agreed but I could tell they weren't thrilled, so I'm just going to push that idea to the side. After Walmart we went to Texas Roadhouse and I was able to eat again, probably because of the 11 hour difference between meals. I got shrimp, rice, apple sauce, and a cup of milk. I've been drinking a hell of a lot of milk, and I think it has something to do with my vitamin D deficiency. I went home and just crashed of exhaustion, woke up an hour later, only to see Blue was still pulling their bullshit. I've been trying to clean my room literally for months but every time I build up slight motivation, I lose it. Which thanks to Blue, happened again. I cleaned out my backpack and got things ready for my first day back tomorrow. I don't want to go. School is hell. The noise, the people, the teachers, the schedules, the walking. I hate it all. I don't want to go anymore. I might be doing online school next year. I almost did this year but I didn't want to lose Blue or Red. I made tea and put it in the fridge for tomorrow along with a container of tomatoes. I was about to sleep but I saw Purple texted. They were having relationship problems and I needed to be there for them. We're trying to hang out. I didn't all break because of how depressed I was. It's so hard to do the smallest things and I hate it. We're still talking now and I'm going to say goodnight, then think until I hopefully fall asleep. Thank the depression, anxiety, and insomnia. They make a great couple. :) I'm only looking forward to seeing Red and Purple tomorrow. I don't know about Blue. Sometimes thinking about them even hurts. At least I get to work on my short story Torn. In class I usually write the whole time. The song Taxi Cab by Twenty One Pilots has been in my head. Goodnight.