Self Expression of A Burden

June 12th, 2018

Today marks the beginning of my first actual relationship in months. I'm scared shitless; yet indescribably elated. Sometime in February or March when Carlos and I first broke up pretty much was the end of our relationship, though I hate to admit and used to count the on and off bullshit. Go knows I wasn't ready for Jaime or Lazuli. And hookups really mean nothing. This is the first time I'm being opened to something serious. I feel a lot of things right now. Part of me feels guilty, and like I'm betraying Carlos. But let's be real- wasn't the whole relationship a constant loop of him betraying me? He doesn't know about Ryan and I yet, but I texted him saying we needed to be friends. He could tell I was serious this time, and having closure kind of made my heart sink while at the same time lifted weight off my chest. I've been fucking drawing blanks and walking in circles around my mind for fucking days, weeks, months. I hate to face the truth, but I have to. I wasn't looking for answers this whole time, I was simply denying the truth. He stopped caring, stopped taking care of me, and turned into a manipulative piece of shit; so why was I letting my life fade away for someone who didn't give back? And after all, being single isn't that bad. I invested myself too much in him and lost myself and lost track of who I was. Being single gave me time to really find who I was and let me talk to new people. I kind of got better in a lot of ways by myself. And whenever I was going to fall Jaime was there for me. I was positive I was going to lose my life awhile back, but aye I'm still here. I'm not saying that I'm still not anxiety driven depressed piece of shit and that I'm "better" or whatever, because that's the opposite of what I'm saying. What I am saying though is that I think I have made progress. I at least found enough self worth where I don't have to rely on other people to feel like I matter. I really feel a lot for Ryan and I care about him a whole bunch and I trust that he'll treat me right. A new thing I'm semi-struggling with is trusting he won't end up to be like Carlos or Alex, and the fact that I am even having that thought makes me feel guilty. On the other hand though, I was way too mentally unstable at the time to date Alex, which after we broke up, made me fall back into the same boar and date Carlos kind of on a whim. But my point is, is that I saw a shit ton of red flags within the first week of being with Carlos and should've left instead of ignoring them. Anyway enough of this shit let me talk about my fucking awesome day. I obviously watched 13RW and stayed up a few hours after that talking to Ryan who literally wakes up shortly before I go to bed. Kind of convenient to be honest. I went to bed and woke up about 1, planning to go meet him for yogurt again, (which we established is going to be an every Tuesday event.) My mom dropped me off and seeing him made me so fucking happy. We ate and just kind of chilled in the place for awhile. He was being cuddly and it was so cute. We walked to the top of the parking garage again and of course he picked me up again but this time I had almost full trust in him doing so. Also, oh my fucking fuck, he KISSED me. Like I can't even describe how fucking happy I was (and to be honest, still am) about it. He's so cute it makes my heart melt. Some ugly cop made us leave and Ryan overthought it so much and it was really pure. We went and sat on a bench and talked. Then we were overran by bugs and it made us want to die so we switched benches. We literally can just sit and do nothing and talk for hours and it's just the best. I laid my head on his lap while laying down on the bench. AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN HE STARTED PLAYING WITH MY FUCKING HAIR FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING. I didn't think guys like that existed. I almost bUsTeD a nUt. And actually, we made everything "official" when we were sitting there. OH OH OH so this fucking weird girl came up to us asking what grade we were in and how long we were together and started dancing. We were like what the fuck? But yeah he told her we were in high school and I told her we were together for three years. We walked to a bookstore and had some nice book conversation. He got excited about computer science. COMPUTER SCIENCE. Such a fucking dork. After that he pretty much got picked up and I was sadder than last time when he had to go. My dad got me like 15 or so minutes later. While I waited I texted Carlos about being friends.It stressed me out and made me need food so I got ice cream. My dad picked me up and got super pissy and said he wasn't picking me up anymore because there's no parking. After that we went to Ulta and I blew money and to my surprise have little remorse. I bought a fucking full size bottle of Gucci perfume. 100 bucks. End me. In my defense I bought the rollerball version last summer for 60 so this was a good investment. I told my dad I wanted wings and Hooters was closest so we went there. I only go there for my brother birthday because I fucking hate that place. They use women's bodies to get money for their company and are supporting the stigma that bodies are always sexual. I know that sounds really feminist but I just am super against anything to do with that and prostitution related shit as well. (Yeah I know I make the statement "I'm dropping out to become a stripper" but I never meant it.) My dad refers to Ryan as my "boo" now apparently. So okay? I don't know when I'm gonna tell them about Ryan. They don't even know about Carlos and I being broken up so I have no clue how to even bring that one up. After that I came home and video called with Ryan until the lil dork started falling asleep at 11 something. So cute. After we hung up though I started falling asleep on and off after that. One time I woke up and I'm pretty sure Carlos thought I killed myself or something because I had a spam asking if I was okay along with missed calls. I meant to tell Jaime about Ryan but I kept pushing it off because I didn't know how to. I typed him a long message before I started typing this so hopefully he doesn't get too upset. I care about him a lot. I guess now I'm going to continue listening to music and think. Hopefully not too hard. I woke up at 4ish and watched an episode of 13RW. I need to rest, I have an endocrinologist appointment for my diabetes today in the early afternoon, then tonight a huge family party at Chuck E. Cheese with family from SC I haven't seen in a few years and I'm super anxious. Not to mention the chaperone for the party might be James, (tbh I might've wrote about him in here somewhere) who totally was hitting on me one day I went there. So much social pressure. Fuck me. I guess that's all I have to say. For once I'm actually feeling genuinely better. <3