Self Expression of A Burden

Part I

I can't tell if me only actively keeping up with this for a month is because of my laziness, commitment issues, or depression. Either way I hate myself because I was looking forward to this since I forget things easily. Whatever here we fucking go. Buckle up. Remember that break up panic attack bullshit from March 9th? It wasn't the first one. Every day for weeks I balled out in lunch to the point where the lunch ladies had to closely watch me. One day I had a breakdown about dying and Jaime told Angela, (this somewhat two faced chick I met by my bus stop in eighth grade. She lives by me and we end up running into each other a lot accidentally but we've both been there for each other in the worst of times by default somehow) and Angela reported me. I was pulled from study hall by the social worker who proceeded to bring me to her office and start the good ol' questionnaire. "Teachers and students are worried about you. We've gotten multiple reports of you seeming down and not yourself. And earlier someone came in concerned you were going to hurt yours-" "We already I established I have depression, of course I'm not going to be happy 24/7." She scoffed. "Have you said anything related to hurting yourself today? How was lunch?" I told her someone took what I said out of context. I had no clue who had reported me, since Jaime was the only one I told and I knew matter-of-factly he wouldn't have done something like this. After school I met at "our spot" which consisted of Isa, her boyfriend Ryan, Lily, Lazuli, Sam, Duke, and Jaime.  (Lily, Lazuli, and Duke kind of adopted me to their friend group, giving me a bunch of default friends, and Lazuli was the only one I was close to, but at this time still not that close.) I told them about the situation and Jaime fessed up to opening his mouth. I was fucking pissed and started yelling at him to the point of making him cry. I make people cry a lot and it breaks my heart. When I'm mad, I'm mad. My chest turns into fire and my brain oozes out every negative thought I acquire aloud. As far as Carlos goes, he'd miss me after a day or two and try apologizing and getting back with me. He'd tell me what I needed to hear and I'd believe him. The next day he'd insult me or make me get rid of my friends. He'd make me cry and just ignore anything I had to say and walk away. He'd talk to this girl I hated him being with (Alexa, by the way.) and then lie about doing it. He'd accuse me of shit. My love for him blinded me of the manipulation. Love or familiarity? I don't know. Claire, (who I'm very close with now) told me something that at the time really pissed me off; "You don't miss him, you miss the person he used to be." She was right. I have such a hard time trusting and opening up to people that I was too scared to make myself available and start all over. The whole idea of a new relationship makes my skin crawl. "Who could love someone like me?" "What do I say?" "What if they don't accept me?" "What if they think my family's weird?" The questions are eternal and anxiety inducing. I can't interact with people. I try playing it cool and just make everything seem like a joke, but in reality my thoughts and heart are racing. Half the time I walk away after a conversation, tears form in my eyes. If I could live in eternal seclusion I without a doubt would. I'd be a perfect hermit. I'm an introvert that hopes to much to be an extrovert.  Anyway, my life consisted of crying literally on and off throughout the school day, infinite social worker trips, fights, staying up until 4A.M crying and getting 2 hours of sleep, a meal here and there, and to top it off bottles of anti-depressants that never quite seemed to get the job done. Not to mention doctor appointments only to increase my doses since the previous never worked. Secret relapses. My arms were constantly lined with rubber bands. All this combined made the perfect storm and all my grades dropped to either an F or D. I started getting bad nightmares of Carlos cheating on me. Me killing myself. Me killing other people. I used to find nightmares entertaining, but they started waking me up throughout the night giving me panic attacks. Most days I couldn't even get out of bed. This all fucked up my diabetes, making me constantly sick. My migraines were became a normal occurrence. I didn't make a whole week of school in months. And when I was there I'd skip class or just sleep. I didn't even have enough motivation to take care of myself. I stopped being on top of my medications,barely showered, wore the same pajamas and sweatshirt days on end. I wasfucked. Eventually communication with Carlos was minimal, as I began to rely on Jaime again. He was right there whenever I needed him since we practically met the beginning of eighth grade. He came to see me every passing period, stayed on the phone with me overnight so I wouldn't have nightmares, did everything to make me smile, literally held me at lunch when I'd cry my eyes out. Carlos got mad at me for talking to him and would yell at me for it even though we weren't together. Lazuli would make sure he'd say away from me and defend me. We walked each other to class and were late all the time. I was sexually harassed and Carlos blamed me for it and said I cheated. Lazuli, her at the time girlfriend Katie, and Taylar were there for me and yelled at him and held me as i sat collapsed on the floor with my face buried in my hands crying. This kid Devon and his friends saw me and ran after Carlos to beat the shit out of him. He got away. I started to become more comfortable in my own skin and realized I didn't need to rely on one person. I became even more "walls up" though, promising myself I'd never ruin someone's life along with my life by being in a relationship. My mental state was clearly shit and I became to make bad decisions. I lost my purity and morals. I drank. Slept around. Anything to take the pain away, right? I slept with Kali and Liberty. Snuck in a bathroom stall with a girl from my math class. Did shit with Jaime. I realized I'm mainly attracted to girls. Me being single got out and dozens of people were either trying to get in my pants or date me because rumors got out I was some whore or something. I became a little more stable. Well, no. I got worse, but at least I was distracted. I had new people I talked to and was always surrounded by them. Even got extra "hi's" in the hallway. All these people and I still felt lonely as hell and had this void in my chest. Like he was the only one that could fill it. Jaime began coming on Fridays, Carlos stopped coming on Saturdays. I stayed after school with Lazuli almost everyday until 4 or 5. (Oh yeah, I became so depressed I even quit track.) I had a giant fight with Isa I'm not going to get into. We almost got in a physical fight. I was so mad I lashed out on everyone and made Jaime and Lazuli be on the verge of tears from scaring them so bad while I was yelling. Fast forward a few weeks. Nobody knows this, but I ended up dating Jaime a few days. We were seeing if I was ready to be with someone again. I wasn't. As I was going to tell him this, Lazuli broke up with Katie and a day later practically forced me into a relationship. I told her "maybe" and whatnot. It just kind of happened and stupid me let it happen. I was too anxious to speak up, but ended up kind of getting into the relationship. I mean, I already had slight feelings for her, (or maybe what she did; my feelings were unidentifiable for anything at that point.) but she ended up being more attached to the point I got kind of annoyed. I love attention and feeling loved, but only by certain people. But even then I still needed my alone time to think and just try to keep myself from losing what was left of my shit. I tried telling her I wasn't ready for a relationship again and she brushed it off. So we stayed together about a month. I'll leave off here. Prepare for part two.   .-.