Self Expression of A Burden

//Update//

Prime example of me not being able to commit to anything. That day I last typed, the 8th of February, was when shit really did start to go downhill. Way the fuck down. It's currently 4:35 A.M. on March 11th. So much has happened. I'm barely hanging on. Looking back at this thing, my life seems to just continue getting worse. I'm a mess. Such a fucking mess. It's been a month so I guess I'll summarize. I'll pick up from where I last left off. That girl Claire from P.E., we're close now. She's easy to talk to. Aydin, Red's ex from math class, we're hella close now too. She has feelings for me actually. I kind of like her back honestly. I'm in 2 groups for getting my grades up, so I'm only failing math right now. My anxiety has gotten severe again. I'm in Student Services damn near daily having an attack. I met that girl that "stalked" me online in person. We're super fucking close. I love her to death. She got me hooked on Pokemon and my 3DS. I've been addicted lately; it takes me to a world simpler than this one. She comes with me everywhere all the time, to track to sit out with me, to my classes. She's hilarious and always sticks up for me. Her name's Lazuli and she's the best. I'm back on my anti depressant. I'm starting therapy again soon. Unwillingly. I started texting with my friend Matthew from when I was younger. He's super supportive and understanding. I love him to death. I hung out with Jimmy and Eian- I'm pretty close with Eian now actually. He always tries being there for me but I kind of have been pushing him away lately, along with everyone else. Purple's boyfriend and I are getting closer, he doesn't hate me anymore. As well as White's girlfriend, and, in fact, White said she might want to try a poly with me. I don't know though. It's not my thing. I've become close with Sam, a sophomore from last semester lunch. Oh, and, I found out Tate likes me. I like him too. He said he was probably leaving his girlfriend soon and whatever. My grandpa had his 70th birthday party at the local bar. My grandpa and mom know everyone there from my mom working there and my grandpa working at a restaurant nearby. I was offered alcohol a few times but I declined. My mom's friend Dale and I were messing around and my aunt thought it was something it wasn't and made a big scene and yelled at him to be more respectful or whatever. She made me have a panic attack in the bathroom. I straightened up my room a little. So I've been playing on my PC a lot, especially with Red. Friday and this past week in general have been pure hell, so I guess I'll skip to Friday the 9th. I haven't been updating because of my mental health getting progressively worse obviously. I honestly forgot about this. I spend my days dragging myself out of bed, skipping breakfast, going to school, laughing a few times, mostly crying. Skip lunch. Get through the day, sit after school for 2 hours because I can't run track, usually with a few new friends I have of Lazuli's. It helps a little. I go home. I lay in bed. Listen to music, text with friends a little. Get worked up, think too much, then fall asleep crying. The cycle repeats. It's a routine and I hate it. A different routine from before, but worse. Also I had an incredible day with Red and his mom Jennifer. We saw A Day To Remember. So I'll talk about that day too. Now onto the 24th of February then the 9th.