I sat in the corner of the room feeling my heartbeat in sync with the thumping bass of the music that was blaring from every direction.
I thought about staying home tonight but I decided it was time for me to go out, I needed this. I felt tired of the mood I'd been in lately, thought I should loosen up. It was a party after all.
It was fun, laughing with the friends I hadn't seen in a while. I felt okay, I felt good. Until I found myself in the corner, staring down at my red cup, swishing my drink around and then the sudden urge to cry pained me. "No, not now. Not tonight." I thought to myself.
Blinking a few times to get rid of the stinging feeling in my eyes I decided to dump my soda and get something better, stronger. I walked into the kitchen right when a small group called me over to do shots.
I wasn't one who got drunk easily. I haven't drank this much in a long time, but it helped. It was bad. But it helped to forget everything for a little bit.
Next thing I know, I'm laying down on a couch with others on top of me. Laughing at something that was apparently hilarious. I watched as friends danced on each other, probably going to forget all of this tomorrow. Others insisted on playing games.
Miraculously, somehow even with how much I drank I managed to sober up. Disappointed that the feelimg had come back, I thought about drinking more but instead I grabbed a bottle of water and looked for somewhere quiet to write.
There were still people upstairs but mostly those who didn't like to drink, they played video games and watched movies instead. I found an empty bathroom and sat in the bathtub and thought about what I was doing here, at this party.
The feeling lingered. I told myself, I'll be okay it takes time. I'm fine. I laughed at that statement I told myself and sighed. I was drinking more water when the bathroom door opened and in walked a person from the past who I don't speak to much anymore but we still have the same bond as if we still spoke everyday like we used to.
He was startled, said he didn't think anyone was in here. I laughed and said it's fine and told him I'd leave if he needed to use the bathroom. He said no, he just wanted to sit somewhere quiet. I said me too.
We talked about what's been going on in our lives lately, that sort of stuff. A little while after he left, said he wanted to go check on his girlfriend. I nodded and said it was nice catching up.
I began to think again, about how alot of things— everything, could've ended up differently if it weren't for one decision, no matter how big or small.
And there I sat in the bathtub, of a bathroom, of a large house holding loads of teenagers, living their teenage lives to the fullest. I felt okay. I sat there praying for another chance. I didn't make decisions to the fullest, I didn't try to the fullest.
I realized that I had been regretting not doing alot of things when I had the chance, and I absolutely did not want to wake up in the nearby future asking myself—"what if i had done it? What if i had just said it? What if i tried a little harder, gave a little more?"—but these thoughts are for another day. Maybe when I'm not sitting in a tub.
