Behind A Smile

Chapter 11

Kabanata 11

"I just can't help it.." Napangiti siya nang makitang mas lalo akong napangiti. Hindi ko talaga mapigilan.

This time I'd be honest. Lalong-lalo na sa totoong nararamdaman ko.

I wanna enjoy this happiness, habang nararamdaman ko pa, habang nararanasan ko pa, kasi sa mga susunod pang araw, buwan, taon, ay sigurado akong magbabago ulit ang lahat.

I knew that the moment I stepped on that mat of that place, I knew that I would never be the same, again, most especially once I get out.

Then I was right. I have changed, no, they changed me, that place changed me. And that change? It will always be a part of me. It will always chase me.

Whenever I feel happy, I know that it will only be temporary. Alam ko iyon. Dahil ang kasiyahan na yon ay maya't maya'y mapapalitan ng isang kalungkutan, kalungkutan na kahit anong pilit kong tago ay palagi pa ring nandiyan.

Kaya kapag masaya ako, sinusulit ko, nilulubos ko, nilalabas ko, sa pamamagitan ng pagngiti.

It's like by smiling, it expresses the overwhelming happiness that I'm feeling inside. Then I will feel good.

"I missed that, Raine.." Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nang marinig ang pangalan na iyon.

Raine.. That's what they used to call me. That's what that place used to call me. But I don't wanna hear it anymore. I don't want to relive that name, because that wasn't me, that was someone, someone who was certainly not me, someone who was terrifying, and someone who is capable of doing anything.

I closed my eyes, trying not to remember things. That name..

"Forget it, Zanaiah. I was just kidding. Please don't take it seriously?" Si Karina.

How I've always wished to forget that I was once her, that she became the other half of me. But I know, I know that she is, and will always be a part of me.

"Zanaiah? Please stop whatever it is you're thinking.." Nakita ko ang pagsisisi sa kaniyang mga mata.

After getting no response, she reached for my right hand then she lightly squeezed it.

Natauhan ako. I unconsciously nodded and let out a heavy sigh to stop myself from remembering.

"Don't pull that kind of crap, okay? You know that, that name makes me remember every bit of that hell. You should have known better."

Seryoso kong sagot, ramdam pa rin ang pait na bigla kong naramdaman. Pait ng nakaraan.

"I know, I know and I'm sorry. Nadala lang ako ng mga ngiti mo Zanaiah. Ang tagal mo na kasing hindi ngumiti ng ganoon katotoo, since that day.."

Natulala ako nang maalala ang araw na iyon. Yes, since that day. Because that day, my rights to be happy, my rights to live properly and happily, has been taken away from me.

I smiled lightly, then sighed and I tried to get a hold of myself. I should not remembering things now.

"It's okay, and we should not talk about that okay? Let's talk about something else."
She nodded and finally let go of my hand.