The Door To The Beauty Of Life

Love Through Depression's eyes

I'm going to level with all of you. I'm not sure what this is. I'mma say it's a deep kinda none fiction short story. This is something I have seen or experience in the past that I know can be a problem for some people who suffer from clinical depression and anxiety like I do. And just because I have some sorta balance working right now. Doesn't mean all people will. Because of that I must warn you this has some severe trigger warnings.)

She laid in bed thinking. It was nearly 3am. Sleep still hadn't taken her,instead the darkness had. Her mind had fallen to that place. She promised him she wouldn't go there. But how does she go about stopping it. She could barely breath as she buried herself under blankets. Just hoping to muffle out the voices in her brain. Telling her he doesn't really love her. That even if he did now. He wouldn't for long she would do something wrong. Or he would learn how horrible her voice sounds.see her how she really is. Dull and boring. Over weight and disgusting. Tears filled her eyes she felt the pain seeping in she was breaking her own heart with fear. Shaking she through off the blanket and picked up the phone. Barely flinching under the brightness of the screen in her dark room. She wiped her eyes and called him. She knew he would be up still. She just hoped he wouldn't be busy. She needed him. She had to know he still loved her. He didn't answer going to voicemail she hung up fast not wanting him to hear her cry. She with shaking fingers sent a text asking for help. That she was in it bad and needed him. His response crushed her more. " why? If you really loved me you wouldn't be depressed anymore." Was he right was she a fuck up for not being better. Was she so broken she didn't deserve his love . She screamed at herself that it's not her fault that she could get better for him. But then she fell quiet as she reread his message. She had disappointed him. She failed and he hated it. She could feel her resolve slipping. She promised everyone she wouldn't do it. But she needed the voices to stop. How could she heal when they kept telling her she was a fuck up. The blade laid in a small box. She kept one when she threw out the rest. She didn't really know why. She looked at it. Part if her was curious of how much she could do but before she cut a panic attack seared through her. She sobbed for air. As she shook her head. She couldn't risk it. She was to scared of death to take that step. So her legs became her target once again writing in blood " failure" on her thigh then tracing with the small blade. Each cut barely even hairline not that deep. Just enough to sting most of it won't even scar. Barely Tiny droplets of blood seeped free and she merely stared at them quietly. They where gone.her voice saying she was a fuck up was gone. Her brain finally left her heart alone. She felt so lost now. Lonely and numb. She loved him and yet when she needed him he left her so alone. He expected her to be cured by his existence. He didn't know how dark her mind had gotten. She needed his help. He can't cure her. But he needs to give her a reason to fight. This night her fight ran out. But who was really to blame. The girl in pain. Or the man who swore to protect her but left her to suffer alone. It was on this day she learned. If she really expected to heal. She had to do it for herself
Not for anyone else.

( I wanna address this again. Something not everyone realizes there is two kinds of depression. A hormonal depression which is caused by a chemical Inbalance in the brain. This Inbalance has been scientifically studied for a while. That's why we now have antidepressants and mood stabilizers. Because these drugs repair that Inbalance in that causes the depression. This depression can not be cured . The only treatment is infact medication.its not In their head. They can't just magically get better. They will have depression for the rest of there lives. Some days will be better then others. And some people can learn copping methods to be able to get through just fine without any medication. But there are some people who need these meds they have no other options left. But taking antidepressants have become something to shame someone for and it's plain sad. They don't take them to get high or out of it. They take it to stay alive because without them they don't know how long they can keep going. If your on antidepressants and they make you feel numb or out of it..get a new med or lower the dose cause it's not working right. Antidepressants arnt suppose to numb you..they are suppose to make your bad days fee and far between and your good ones last longer. The other kind of depression is called situational depression. This is common in woman over age of 30 and children between 10-25. Or anyone who has experienced significant trauma ether with their family or friends or life in general. This depression is no less real then the chemical one. It's more common and can be fairly crippling to people. It can typically be handled with therapy but some people of severe casses need the antidepressants there is 0 shame in it. I have clinically diganosed depression it's yet determined if it's from the troubled childhood I had or if I inheritated the chemical Inbalance from my mother. I go to regular therapy and though yes I'm significantly happier I have days where I feel like staying in bed because I'm to scared to learn what the next day has waiting for me. I have had boyfriend who would say " don't worry I'll cure you " and I have had boyfriend say 'just get over it it's all in your head' and during a bad day hearing that by someone I care about can be crushing.

Before you scuff at your significant others depression and anxiety. Find out why they think what they think. Don't turn your back on them they need you to remind them they are worth fighting for that if your willing to fight for them maybe they should fight for themselves too )