The Door To The Beauty Of Life

Light in my eye

I tell everyone that only two people do i hate.
but i think thats not true.
i think those two people.
i merely dont like.
their is only one person that i truly hate.

Myself.

I hate my voice.
so i try not to talk to much.
I hate my face.
i keep it covered up.
i hate my weight.
so i pretend its not their.
i hate my mind.
the things it tells me.
i hate my world.
i hide away in the fantasy of my books.

i hate myself so much that when i build my fantasy.
a story i start to write.
i play the role of a skinny girl.
with perfect skin.
dark hair and eyes.
and a proud smile on her face.

i have seen so much darkness.
well before my time.
a toddler shouldn't carry the burdens of her family on her shoulders.
i shouldn't have had to cry for help.
or better yet my cries shouldn't have been ignored.

But all this in mind.
I dont hate my family for how they made me.
i dont hate the world around me.
i dont hate my broken hearts.

I hate, Hating myself.
I want to be proud.
i want to love my smile.
I want to love myself.

So i changed my hair.
So i can love my image.
Blond to black.
now when i walk around people compliment me.
im standing taller now.
im open and myself.
My voice is heard now.

but the pain is their still.
i have my days when the changes arnt enough.
my confidence wavers.
the memories come back.
and the darkness in my brain returns.

i hide behind the shield of who i want to be.

and pray one day ill fit that mold.

i don't want to change who i am.

i just want to learn to love it.

till then. ill edit and use filters.

because i have no faith in my own smile.

my confidence is weak and easily wavered .

i am me.

but i don't always want to be.