The Door To The Beauty Of Life

not my happy ever after

I dont know who i am.
but i know what i am.
I am my heart.
i am my voice.
i am the words i cant bring myself to say so instead i write them down on a piece of paper and pray.
i dont pray to god.
i pray to the fates.
I pray for love.
I pray for the strength to handle what ever plan for me they have weaved into my tapestry.
I pray for hope.

its times like today where i seriously wonder.
if i even have any hope left to offer.
i was asked once.
if i realized i let people walk all over me and i said yes.
no explination just yes.
she said she thought that was pretty stupid of me.
and i agree.

i have this illusion in my mind that the people who use me.
just need someone to be there for them.
that maybe if i let them do this .
and keep a hollow relationship with me.
maybe i am helping them.

i never make a move to stop it.
i have a question.
why is it that the best people get hurt the most.
if i do the morally correct thing of dating a unattractive guy with a goodheart.
i end up being in control of the relationship
i cant handle control. i worry about every little thing im doing.
am i hurting them.
ami stealing their independance.
oh god am i taking advantage.
i hate being that person.

so i date the attractive guy who litterly has loyalty written all over him.
and things seem great.
love is said.
promises are given.
i meet his family and closest friends.
and i realize something.
I am the girl a guy brings home to momma while he goes off to sleep with the girl his momma would never approve of.
i am the girl who can say i love you over 200 times in 2 hours.
because im scared you wont believe me if i dont.

im so scared of loosing the person i love.
that my love is what pushes them away.
but you see im a nice girl
i may always be that nice girl.
so this last part is to all they people who have heard me say. "i love you"
aand i know there isnt many.
you know all it takes is to say.
that you want out.
im the nice girl.
i cant keep you unwillingly.
id let you go.
but instead you break me.
instead of one conversation of pain.
that can end in years of just friends and no awkwardness.. and little to no tears.
you give me months of agony.
over wondering why i wasnt enough.
of asking where i went wrong.
was it when i freaked out that you might have killed yourself.
so i called everyone to check on you.
was it when i told everyone i talked to about you.
was it the fact you told me you slept with your best friend before.
and i said that was okay, because least your mine now.
where did i go wrong.
protecting you from your family's hate.
was it when i cried worried about YOUR FRIEND.
was it the miles between us.
to me just numbers.
was each number a chain link weighing on your heart until your heart fell out of your body.
and you became the heartless person i see now.
did i just love you to much?

i am now where i have been so many times before.
wondering what happened to teh person who enjoyed my voice.
who laughed with me and showed no sign of bordom
to the person who thought i was attractive.
to the person who said they loved me and i knew they meant it.

part me saw it coming. from the first time you hesitated to say i love you too.
in themoment i laughed it off with a light hearted "you better" but even then i wondered.
but i feared what my anxiety believed. i hid from it and begged it not to be true. because god i loved you and i didnt want to loose you.

the first time you told me about her. i didnt like her my heart skipped a beat with panic.
my anxiety was screaming at me. but i said please god let it not be true. let it just be me.
but that girl i hate. is the reason your no longer mine. ironic since your not hers ether.
where did this third person come from.

how does she suddenly have you. when i just barely lost you...
i dont think anyone has ever truly loved me.. i think everyone has merely loved the idea of me.