The Door To The Beauty Of Life

what do i call it

my therapist once asked me.
to give a name to the emotions i feel.
instead of burying them and ignoring them.
opening myself to them.
feeling them.
naming them.

But how do i do this.
how do i know why im crying.
why i wanna scream.
why i feel sufficated by my heart.

Why dont i understand.
if i wanna hit something.
or scream until it hurts.
or cry until im numb.
why dont i know if its because.
im angry
or hurt.
or lost.
or sad.

why does my heart stab when someone says something innocent.
why do i feel betrayed when someone gives me a certain tone.
why do i cry when a voice is raised.
or why does a tone of voice make me scream my lungs out in rage.
why do i flinch when im touched.
why do i hide behind "im fines"

why do i always feel so out of control.
why does looking a a room im expected to cling make me wanna cry

i dont know why.
i cant explain how i feel
i am the girl whos heart isnt just on her sleeve. its all over her body.
one wrong move and you can hurt or anger me.
my heart controls me.

it shows me my way through the world.
there as been times i didnt hear the lessons it was teaching me.
because of this i stopped feeling anything.
i feel again.
but i dont know what i feel
you tell me.