B R O K E N

🥀 C H A P T E R 12 🥀

Everybody Hates Me, And It's All My Fault.

Nova Williams P O V

Suicide - October 2nd, 2017
I think about it all the fucking time. It would be so easy to just end all of the pain, suffering, and self hate I feel on a daily. Everyone else seems to think I'm faking it all; I hope they don't think that when I'm actually gone. People have told me to just ignore my depression, ignore my cutting. I don't know what will happen, but what I do know is that it will be better than the way in living now. I hate living with who I am. I am living in a constant hell, and it's killing me; people don't know- but I'm going insane on the inside. It's slowly tearing me apart. The real question is, how will I end this all? There's so many options for me to choose from : hanging, suffocation, drowning, slitting my wrist, overdose, jumping, and so many more. I've written many suicide and depression notes in the last two years, and I've never actually gone through with it. People always say Suicide is a cowards way out, or that it's not helping your situation. A person has to be going through the worst physical and emotional pain imaginable to even think about ending his or her life. And I feel myself getting to that point. No, I'm not brave enough to end my life right now. Maybe I'll build up the courage to do it someday, but at the moment, I'm hanging onto a small strand of hope that maybe my life will get better. But my hope is wearing thin, and soon that strand will break. Not today, maybe tomorrow. Who fucking knows? Better yet will anyone care? I doubt it. I just hope that one day I will be brave enough to do what I've planned to do for the past two years.

~ Nova Bay Williams

My digital alarm does a little sound indicating another hour has passed, it's now 4 Am. I can't sleep, it's nights like this where everything comes crashing down on me.

I've tried over and over again to fall asleep and try to forget the pain until the morning, but I can't.

Another tear slips from my eye as I just sit on my window ledge seat and starring at the dark sky outside.

"Well sorry. It's just that India bought up a good point earlier today. If you're supposedly depressed and suicidal like you claim you are then why are you still here? I mean it's not that hard to overdose and just end it all...."

I mean it's not that hard to overdose and end it all...

If you're supposedly depressed and suicidal like you claim you  are then why are you still here....

I shake my head not even bothering to stop the uncountable amount of tears beginning to spill from my eyes.

"Fuck." I mumble holding my head in my hands. Why was I like this?! Why couldn't I just grow the fucking balls and end it?!

It's time again Nova....

"No," I sob rapidly shaking my head. "Please just leave me alone." I cry bringing my knees to my chest.

You're hurting right? Well let's make that pain go away....

We're only trying to help you feel better...

My body rose up from the seat as I began to walk in my bathroom, I open my hair supplies ben before grabbing the item that they said will help me feel better.