Naomi Hanson's Point Of View
How could I be laying here, with Bryce, listening to him tell me about things he loves, him telling me how much he cares about me, and yet, I feel like shit? This is all I've ever wanted, isn't it?
I mean, it's not like I don't like him anymore. When he kissed me, god. How could you even explain a kiss like that? I mean, it was like no other kiss. I may have a small frame of reference, but not every kiss can be like that.
It's only been Bryce. That's the only person I've ever wanted, the only person I'll ever want. It made me so happy. Today was so amazing. I missed him so much and it felt so right to be together.
But now that I'm sitting here, thinking. I feel different. Not about Bryce, but about myself.
Maybe I shouldn't be doing this right now. Maybe this was too soon. Maybe I just took too much in so quickly. I mean, kissing him and practically going out on a date and now laying in my bed together? It all seems so sudden, and nobody is here to stop me and talk some sense into me.
I thought love was supposed to be sudden and irrational. Maybe I'm just not that girl who can just take shots and give everything up for "love". I mean, right now I'm overthinking and analyzing everything that's happened today. I never did this before. So why am I doing it now?
What happened to me to make me become so.. how do I say it? So cautious about everything. So worried. My inner monologue has never driven me this mad before.
"Hey?" I heard Bryce's voice, pulling me out of my toxic thoughts. I looked up at him quickly, "Yeah?"
Bryce smiled sweetly, "Are you Okay?" He sincerely asked. Jesus, am I? Am I actually okay? If I was truly okay, everything I did wouldn't leave me with an unsettling feeling.
My heart sunk into my stomach as the realization hit, I'm not okay. I clenched my jaw harshly, "No." I confessed, my voice cracking and eyes watering.
I moved my head off of Bryce's chest, resting the back of my head on the other pillow. I quickly wiped my eyes away, "I'm not okay and I don't know why."
I looked over at Bryce quickly, my heart pounding in my chest, "I just- I don't know what it is. I feel so uncertain. And unsteady."
"Was it because I kissed you?" Bryce asked, his voice softening and his face settling into an upset look. My heart broke as I saw his sudden expression change. Did I hurt him by telling him the truth? It wasn't because he kissed me, I know that for damn sure.
I shook my head quickly, "No, no of course not. It's definitely not you. You didn't do anything wrong it's just- my mind is fucking with me right now." I admitted.
"What are you thinking?" He asked, I could tell he actually cared to find out. It wasn't just a formality.
I smiled weakly, "I'm just overthinking everything. You know when you do something slightly embarrassing and you just keep going over the moment in your mind? That's how I feel right now. But it's not about the kiss. It's not even about you. It's more about me?" I spoke, however it came out like a question.
My eyes watered a little more, "I think- I jumped into things too quickly. I thought I was ready, but I guess I'm not. It was just too much too fast." I explained. Bryce smiled softly, "Are you still mad about what I did?" He asked, not angered.
"I'm not mad about what you did. In fact, I'm not mad about anything, at all." I informed him, a tear sliding down my cheek, but I quickly wiped it away, "I'm sorry, Bryce"
Bryce reached his arm out, "Come here." He spoke gently. I moved over, resting my head back on his chest and resting my hand on his stomach. Bryce wrapped his arm around me and ran his hand through my hair, "If you don't wanna be with me, it's okay. I wouldn't wanna be with me either after being such an asshole."
"What? No, that's not it." I told him, "I want to be with you. I always have and I- I always will. Nothing has changed in that way. I just- I don't know who I am anymore." I looked up at Bryce, my arm holding me up.
Bryce furrowed his brows together, "What're you talking about? You've always known exactly who you are. How could you have-" He began before I placed my hand on his cheek, I brushed my thumb over his cheek as he did to me before we kissed.
I chuckled lightly, "I just need a little longer. I'm sorry." I apologized. Bryce smiled, "Don't be sorry."
"I'll just go." Bryce began to get up before I grabbed his hand, "Wait. Stay, please."
Bryce nodded, "I'll stay as long as you want." He laid back down and I rested my head back on his chest, his arm wrapped around me. Bryce threw the blanket over the two of us as I cuddled closer to him.
"Right now, we'll just pretend like we're still us. Before all this shit happened. And in the morning, I can get my space. But right now, I just want to be here with you."
