Salvation

8 ∆ angel

        Saturday rolled around faster than I had anticipated. I was in my bedroom with Alex, taking a shower in the en suite bathroom that didn't have a door so it was considered a part of the room still, while he rambled on and on about how awesome that party would be.

''Anna. You don't know what's going on. It's a party with THE NINETEEN SEVENTY FIVE, do you have any idea of how cool that is?'' He continued fangirling but I stopped paying attention at some point, thinking of lyrics that started to come back to mind as the warm water slid down my body.

''It's paranoia in your veins.''

''ANNA.'' I heard Alex yell. 

''WHAT?'' I yelled back, annoyed. I had that song already flowing out my lips, for god's sake.

''YOUR CATS ARE HERE. THEY ARE CALLING YOU.''

''THEY'RE NOT CALLING ME,'' I said, sighing, turning off the water so I wouldn't have to scream anymore, and stepping out, realizing I had already finished my shower anyway. ''they just want food.''

''Well give them food, then.''

I stepped into the room with my Sylvester (from Looney Tunes, ya know) slippers, the blue towel wrapped around me and a pink one in my head. Alex was examining my cats' faces, probably trying to feed them with his mental powers. Literal 'mental powers'.

This went on for a good three minutes, until I realized I should probably get dressed and lead Alex into the shower so he too could get ready.

''C'mon Alex,'' I called, taking him out of his trance and looking up at me. He gasped the slightest bit, but just enough for me to notice. ''...what?'' I asked, suddenly embarrassed. I mean, this wasn't the first time he'd seen me only in a towel. It happened dozens of times before; we were inseparable best friends. I wouldn't doubt if he said he'd already seen me naked. So there was no reason for him to be surprised, but he was, which could only mean that there was something really wrong with me. 

Insecurity hit me like a brick and my eyes watered, anxiety attacking and making me want to evaporate.

''What's wrong, Alex?!'' I nearly screamed, when he didn't answer and just kept staring. ''It's not nice to stare, you know.'' I mumbled. 

''I'm s-sorry, but, oh god, Anna.'' He mumbled, standing up from the bed and looking down at me still. His big hands firmly held my shoulders as his eyes traveled all my body. I was getting slightly scared of what he was thinking. 

''What is it? I'm ugly? Yeah I know, Alex. Stop staring. Stop looking at me. It bothers me.''

''Anna...''

''ANGEL!'' I screamed, freeing myself from his grip.

'Angel' was our word to when things between us went too far and meant that we had to stop. We started this many years ago, way before he left, because once him and our dead friend were going a bit too far mocking a girl in our class, so I went to help her. At some point James was offending even me, and when I told him to stop, Alex then came in: ''what? It's not like you're her guardian angel. You don't have to protect her!''. And so it is. Angel.

''Anna!'' He nearly yelled, finally looking up at my eyes. ''You're not ugly, and I'm not perving on you! It's just that- you- you're so, I mean, it's- it's weird, because you used to be so chubby- and... and it was adorable, but now- now you're...''

Voices inside my head started screaming, making me want to scream too. 

Chubby. Overweight. Fat. Ugly. Fat ass, thighs, feet, arms, fingers, cheeks. Fat, fat, fat. Ugly. Stupid. Useless, worthless, idiot. F a t. (a/n please read the authors note about this in the end of the chapter. thank you)

''Anna, listen to me,'' Alex's voice swam in between the other thoughts. ''please, listen to me. You're still beautiful. You're gorgeous Anna, but you're too thin. Too skinny. Underweight. Please, Anna. You are beautiful but- please, Anna...'' 

His words were becoming confusing in my mind, making it hard to understand what he was saying.

''You're still ugly. You're hideous, Anna, you're too fat. Too chubby. Overweight. You are ugly. Pathetically ugly.''

And before I could start crying, I felt everything around me fading, and the colours disappeared. Everything then went black, and the voices stopped, leading me into a comforting state of oblivion.

---

>> a/n IMPORTANT: I am not saying fat people are ugly, stupid, useless, worthless nor idiot -- this is just Anna's mind. Whoever has either depression, an eating disorder, or anxiety, has these sort of voices in their heads telling them that > which is Anna's case.

I am in no way saying that being overweight means being ugly and stupid.

I am so massively sorry if I offended anyone here. I know you're all beautiful and awesome people so there's no reason to be offended, alright? Sorry anyway. :/

Well in other news, just a little chapter describing Anna's difficulties in dealing with herself and accepting she's actually pretty and the fact that she doesn't understand she's skinny, and not fat -- anorexia. 

ANOTHER NOTE: I AM IN NO WAY ROMANTICIZING THESE THINGS. Anorexia and depression are actual mental diseases and it is in no way healthy or beautiful. We have to help people and make this all stop!!

Thanks for reading, Clara x

ps: i ended up dying my hair pink and blue - pink on the right side and blue on the left.