Salvation

12 ∆ a thousand slowly dying sunsets

        ''Guess the loneliness came knocking, no one needs to be alone.''

''You're not alone. You have Alex.  You didn't have to do those things. It's- it's too harsh. Why did you do it?''

''It's, look, you won't understand. It's different. It's pathetic. It's not what you think it is. It's- it means I'm a coward. I am weak, and I did it. I was alone and scared, and I couldn't ask for help. The only thing I thought of doing was hurting myself, because once someone told me it helped. I guess, then, I started believing that.'' I fiddled with my bracelets, staring at the coats in the banister behind him as we stood sat in the terrace, facing each other, his back to the glass doors and mine to the view. ''I am a push-over, highly influenceable. I believe everything. And if I like you, everything you say will be a rule. I'll take you as the main example for my life and everything you think and do is the right thing, even if you're a horrible person. It's just- just me, I guess. And I hate it, because I know it's pathetic.''

''It's not pathetic,'' Matt replied. ''it's just human. Those are feelings, you follow them, humans do that. Don't blame yourself.''

''But you don't understand...'' I mumbled, looking down.

''Look, I understand. What do you want me to do to prove you that I understand, and that you're not the only one that acts like that?''

I thought for a few minutes, lifting myself slowly and sitting down by his side so I too could admire the view.

''Tell me about you.''

Matt's P.O.V.

''Me?''

She nodded, not looking at me.

''You.''

''I'm a pretty boring guy, to be honest.'' I looked at her, trying to find a smile, even eye contact, hell, any sign that she was paying attention, but found nothing. She just seemed dead, like always. Like every damn time I turned to look at her, she just seemed fucking dead.

And I loved it.

***

''...and then it hit me like a rock; women are mean. Heartless, insensitive and bitchy.'' Anna nodded, exhaling the smoke. Her head was on my lap and I ran a hand slowly through her hair, holding my glass and the cigarette in the other. ''I didn't know why I myself was being so bitchy about this whole break up thing, but I guess it's because I just thought that fucking slag loved me too. She said it and everything.'' I gestured my hands rapidly in the air, mad at even the thought of all that, spilling a bit of vodka on the floor. 

''We had robbed a small shop together once. It was pretty fun. And then we locked ourselves in one of the abandoned cars in the parking lot, making promises of staying together forever and being as drunk as we could ever be with each other, being as raw with our feelings as possible and then bam, three weeks later she left me hanging just like I had never meant anything to her. Maybe I didn't. Maybe I never did and never will, at all.'' Anna nodded again, taking a sip from her own glass and closing her eyes once again as my fingers traced lines on her head.

''Gemma broke my heart; my heart, the heart of someone who swore would never have their heart broken, who never actually accepted the fact that the human heart, the most essential organ for human beings, was associated to feelings. It has nothing to do with feelings, but just pumping blood and that shit.'' I sighed, rubbing my eyes. ''Pathetic. But then again, when Gemma left, I felt suicidal. Fuck, I don't even know why. I don't think I even liked her that much.''

I stopped, looked up at the view, brought the joint to my lips. ''She was just, I guess, the rock that kept me from getting into drugs again and making me lose myself and hurt people, and then come back like a pathetic twat, completely wasted, apologizing.'' I inhaled and exhaled, taking my time, before finishing off my story. ''She's still a massive bitch, though.''

Anna laughed for the first time since I met her, clutching her stomach lightly and lifting her head from my lap a tiny bit.

''I bet she is.'' She said, keeping her eyes on the distance. 

Funny thing how I was so mesmerized by this girl and I knew nothing about her, yet she seemed completely uninterested in me, even though I had just told her everything I had to say to anyone, ever. And for no reason at all.

''Your story,'' She spoke again, her voice slightly raspy. ''it's like a thousand slowly dying sunsets.''

''Which means...''

''It's fascinating. Not so much nowadays, but it used to be the best thing out there. Beautiful, which made you feel on top of the world. It was something big, important, mesmerising, amazing, wonderful, even if only for you, for you and Gemma, but then-''

''All great things come to an ending. And my story was no different.''

Anna sat up and smiled lightly at me.

''Yeah.''

''Does that mean I'm dying?''

''What?' She laughed. ''No.''

''But, like, my story is ending.''

''The one with Gemma is ending. That was a chapter of your book. A day of your life.'' She stood up. ''Your story with her is gone, but it's a dying sunset. The sun will be back again.'' She pulled out her hand for me and I held it, using it as support to stand up too.

''And-''

''Bright and beautiful, you'll rise again.''