Salvation

17 ∆ it wasn't a suicide attempt

          Matthew's P.O.V.

        I was convinced to stay at Anna's until I felt better, so I did. I wasn't quite thrilled about going out into the street anyways, it'd be cold and my body was in pain. The girl wasn't bad at all, actually, she just didn't smile. Or showed any emotions. But she was nice, I guess.

She was nice enough to give me some of her clothes to wear while mine dried (because her brother's were too big, and hers fit perfectly on me) and show me the top bed of her bunk, which she claimed she loved.

''The view's amazing. It's so calming to come up here and lay down and just stare out into the sky, the city, the people down there and- I don't know, I'm sorry I'm still talking.''

''Nah it's alright. If you want to keep going, I don't mind.'' 

But she didn't; never did. She kept quiet for a long time, and I did too. Us both just looked out the windows, staring down at somewhere, our minds wandering off. And then I realized she was talking, so I looked at her.

''Why?'' She questioned, without taking her eyes off the window, or should I say, the view. And I knew she was talking about me supposedly ''trying to kill myself''.

''Some things are better off when they're left behind.'' I replied, waving my hand. 

She looked at me briefly and back to the window, and nodded.

''I get it. It's okay.''

 ***

We had got a lot more intimate in the last few hours. It was past 4 o'clock and I was still there, but I didn't want to leave. I don't think Anna wanted me to, either.

I was, as that other night, mesmerised by that girl. I could have done literally anything she asked me in that moment. She was, I don't know. I didn't have the words. Beautiful? Yes, but more than that. Intelligent, quiet, mysterious? Yes, but still, not quite. It was hard to explain. I just liked it. And honestly, she had me wrapped around her finger without even knowing it. 

I absentmindedly smiled up at her, but she didn't see it. I was laying on the bed, smoking, and she was sitting on my legs, her back turned to me as she still looked down at the view.

''What's the meaning of that song, 'Me'?'' She quietly asked.

[a/n he actually said this in an interview. these exact words, i think. it was hard writing it down; his accent is weird and you know, i'm not an english speaker. well anyway...]

''What, what do you mean?'' I asked, a bit confused, and high. ''You like the band, right? So you know that you like that song?'' She nodded quietly. ''And you know that song is coming... That person.''

Anna's P.O.V.

He paused, and I could feel him gesturing with his hands. ''I wasn't necessarily in that state of mind when I wrote that song, it's a very reflective song. I mean, it's about guilt, isn't it? You know... 'Don't you mind, don't you mind?''' He turned away for a bit to look over at Penny, one of the cats. ''It... of course... of course they mind.'' He smiled. ''Everything that they say... I did all of those things, not good... ehm yeah, a lot of people connect to that song! I can hear people who see themselves. But yeah you know, it's a song, it's a song about guilt. It's a sad song, but it's also my favourite song as well.'' He blinked and looked into my eyes, that examined him carefully. ''Why?''

''You were singing it before you attempted suicide.''

''It was not suicide.''

''Yeah I know. You didn't die. It's not suicide when you don't die.''

''Agh,'' He groaned. ''you know what I meant. I didn't attempt suicide.''

''Oh, really?'' I looked at him, staring into his eyes. ''Slit your wrists nearly as deep as the skin on the other side of your arm, very nearly cutting your veins through, making a huge pool of blood around you, that's not wanting to kill yourself?'' I smiled at my own exaggeration.

Matt's P.O.V.

''...no.''

''Oh,'' She scoffed. ''Believe me, it is.''

''No, it isn't...''

''Denial.'' She looked down. ''Been there, done that.''

''It isn't denial... it's just...''

''You wanted to get away from the pain. You tried to kill yourself. Admit it, just fucking admit it, you wanted to die. You didn't know how to do it, but you wanted to.''

For a while I just stared at her, astonished, not because of her words, but because, for the first time since we met, she seemed to express a feeling other than awkwardness.

Anger.

''Yes,'' I smiled then. ''yes, I wanted to get away from the pain. Yes, I wanted to die.''