Salvation

36 ∆ peter

Peter

Can I go back home?

I flew here under false pretense

I thought it would be fun

but the lost boys have all moved away

and one of them's locked up

I know you think you're still a child 

but I couldn't give a fuck

you're 21

''It's a Peter Pan metaphor to what he did to me. We were young, and friends. I was in love with him, and he knew it. But he had bad intentions. He was never a good kid, he's always been mean -- and also older than everyone else. But I adored him. I'd do anything for him. I hurt people for him; I hurt myself, more than anything, for him. But he took things too far and he figured he couldn't control me forever after our other friends went away. I didn't know why they left though, I was the youngest of them all and I guess at the time I just wasn't conscious enough. He kept us, me and another friend, locked up inside his sick game. Not literally locked up anywhere but with threats he kept us in his play pretend and he fucked me up inside and... it's pretty much that.''

Oh Peter, I can dream no more

I've been chasing all of yours that I fogotten what it was that I wanted

that I want

''He forced us into doing things for him. He made us go and fight for what he wanted. Especially me. And then at some point, I didn't have dreams or thoughts of myself -- it was all for him. All the time, everything.''

No, I won't be your doll

So please don't you ask me to

You see that I don't look so good in yellow

Like other dolls they do, like other dolls they do

''He was a heartbreaker. More than that, he controlled girls, like a sick person, really. All the girls fell for him and I was one of them -- but I was more than that. In a bad way. He wanted me to be like them, and I was... until I didn't want to, anymore. And it got worse.''

Oh Peter, I am not naïve

I see the way you look at her

you don't do that for me

Oh it must be love

and we both know it's not with us

''After a while I realised everything that was going on and I tried to get away but it was impossible. I started becoming even more attached to the fucker and started getting jealous of the girls that he brought home and to hang with us. He looked at them in a different way -- but there was this one girl, once... it was completely different. She hung out with us all the time. But one day she just disappeared.''

No, I won't be your doll

So please don't you ask me to

You see that I don't look so good in yellow

Like other dolls they do, like other dolls they do

Oh Peter, he walks beside the lake

while I lay beside an empty space

waiting for the sirens

just waiting for the sirens

''This is about the last day. We didn't know it'd be the last day, but it was. Peter was mad about something, so he brought home another girl -- but it wasn't like before. She wasn't willing to do anything. I freaked out, we had an argument. Alex got in the middle, Peter took him down and I flew on Peter, he beat me up and drove to the lake, a place we used to hang out at. I couldn't move; I felt my ribs digging into my flesh out of place and I couldn't even scream, nor cry. I just laid there and the last thing I remember hearing before passing out from pain was Peter calling emergency. And then he left me there.''

No, I won't be your doll

So please don't you ask me to

I won't shut my little painted face

Like all your other dolls they do

like all your other dolls they do, they do

***

Stuart, Edmond and I were sat in the studio's lounge having a drink and talking quietly after the session.

''How is Peter 21? Isn't he in school too?'' Ed questioned, while we drank some wine.

''He is -- he isn't 21. His brother was. I mixed up things when I was younger. But -- he showed me a photo of him when he was 12, once. When I wrote the song I thought of that and then turned it around. 12 became 21.'' I tied up my hair in a bun while I spoke, not looking at them. ''At the time, I was 11, 12, 13, 14. Peter started off with 13 already. He's in my form now because he's a pretty stupid guy. But we're both leaving school in a couple weeks.''

''Oh, I see.'' He nodded, looking into his glass then back up at me. ''You know, something happened yesterday, and I know you know it but... we have to ask.''

''Is it about Matthew?'' 

''Yeah.'' Ed nodded.

''It wasn't all his idea. I mean, I was the one with heroine.'' I looked at them.

''We know that.'' Stuart pointed out.

''He isn't one to do heroine anymore. He's just up for the powders, acid and weed but please, promise us you're not doing it again. Promise us you're not getting involved with drugs nor Matty ever again.'' Stuart said sternly.

''...Otherwise you won't be able to get on this career, to continue this path. You won't get a contract. You won't get anything-'' Ed explained, but I cut him off.

''Okay, I promise.'' I said, downing the wine without taking my eyes off theirs. ''No more drugs. No more Matthew.''

***

''Have you done any drugs before Matty?'' Ross asked as he threw a pebble in the pond.

After our studio time he asked me if I wanted to come for a walk in the park with him, and as I had nothing better to do at home -- typically --, I accepted.

''Uh, yeah. A few times.''

''Which ones? How many times?'' He looked at me questioningly but I avoided his eyes.

''I- I don't know.'' I shrugged. ''Weed, periodically. Heroine once and cocaine twice. Acid a couple times too I guess? But I'm not an addict. I was just trying it all, yknow what I mean? I don't do drugs on a daily basis. I don't need them like some people do. I don't need them at all... but they're cool at times.''

''Yeah, I get it.'' He shrugged too, looking ahead.

We walked in silence for a while, before we realised it was quite dark and I had to head home. He took me to his car and offered a ride; unusually I accepted, seeing as I was quite tired and highly annoyed at something in the back of my mind.

---

SO ITS 2015. 

the year started off pretty well for me. i have the coolest friends. i have the most amazing parents and brother and i'm going to england for two weeks [lets meet up. seriously]. also i love pineapples and lichees

HOW IS 2015 FOR YOU SO FAR?