everlong

i fall to pieces

December 26th, 1992
As I stepped into the apartment, I felt instant sadness and anger. Dried up makeup clung to my face. I felt numb from crying so much. It feels like all I'll ever do is mope around now.

I dropped my suitcase and looked around. Our apartment is no longer reminiscent of the once romantic, warm memories of the past, I just think of the cruel side of him.

I felt my eyes well up with tears. Im such a mess. I quietly unpacked my stuff. My hands grazed across the camera he had gifted me. How can someone he so sweet, but so, so deceiving at the same time? The two different sides shock me.

Infidelity? I never could've imagined it from him. When I found at, it felt like I was dreaming. Wait, no, not dreaming. It felt like more of a nightmare. I swear, I could've killed him. I felt so much pain and anger.

I still do.

I tried to keep myself busy for the remainder of the day by writing for work. It didn't work to well. I would find myself sobbing uncontrollably. Wads of tissues littered my desk.

I hate that I'm letting that bastard tear me down like this. I don't think he realizes how what he did takes everything away from me. He took my happiness, my hope, and my will.

He took the will I have to move on.

Fuck, I probably sound so melodramatic, but I can't help it.

He makes me melodramatic.

December 31st, 1992
"So, you knew?" I asked Kurt, sighing. He nodded, looking down at the toes of his converse. "He told me you knew. He swore. When I found out, I was gonna tell you myself, but Dave promised me that he'd confess."

I nodded and brushed a few tears away.

Crying. Its all I've been doing for the last 6 days. I just feel so broken now. "And you know what's the best part?" I paused. "I think I'm pregnant." Kurts eyes popped. "Jules, what the fuck." He said, rubbing his face.

"You need to take a test." "No shit." I scoffed. I looked around our apartment. "I also need to move out. I don't want this place. Its his." I said. I then bolted up. "Julia, what the hell?" I shoved my books and belongings into,boxes. I'm such a loon now.

Soon enough, I had all my stuff together. "Do you wanna stay with Courtney and I? Ya know, until you find a place?" I smiled softly and nodded. I then hugged him.

I followed him out to his car and put my shit in the very back. I then slid into the passenger seat.

It's funny how fast things can change. My happy, romantic Christmas with Dave quickly warped into a living hell. The feelings I once had of love and hope switched into feelings of sadness and fury, all in a few minutes.

He destroyed me.

We pulled into the driveway of the humble home that Kurt shared with his family, Courtney and Frances. I got out of the car. Even though he's a fragile being, he still helped me with my boxes, which I appreciated.

He pushed the door open with his hip. "Court?" He called. She emerged from the living room. Her facial expression changed from blank to empathetic once she saw me. "Oh, Jules." She cooed, hugging me so firmly that I thought I would crumble.

Even though she's a mother to Frances, I've never really seen the attached, care giving side of her. She's such a sweet girl, I'm not denying that, she just doesn't typically show this super maternal, mushy side.

"I will beat Dave and his little fucking girlfriends asses." I smiled sadly and shook my head. "Don't do that, court." "I'll help you set up your room." She said, taking my hand and leading me up the steps. She showed me the guest room, then helped bring all my boxes up the steps.

"Julia, I'm so glad you're staying here. I think you can stay here even longer than you need." She said, putting some of my books in a shelf.

"Shit, thank you guys so much." I said, shaking my head. "Its just gonna be so fucking difficult to adjust without him." I whispered. Tears already glazed my eyes. She frowned and hugged me tightly.

Her embrace made me feel safe, like I was finally surrounded by people who wouldn't betray me. I soon pulled away from the hug and started to unpack my stuff.

With every memory of my love I pulled out of the box, the more my heart fell to pieces. Whether it was a picture of us, a gift from him, or an item that we had used, it made my heart feel cold and shriveled up.

I felt like crying, but I kept everything together.

It feels like I'll just keep falling to pieces, forever.