everlong

goodbye my friend, its hard to die

April 8th, 1994.
The stream of hot water running down Julia's back relaxed her. She had already washed her hair, and was now simply standing beneath the shower head, letting the steamy water soothe her. This was her first time showering since the fourth. Frankly, she felt gross, and finally took her first step in recovery by showering.

She had been digging a deep hole for herself since the day Kurt went missing. Not an ounce of motivation was left in her. The simplest tasks like eating, sleeping, and bathing had become minuscule, and vanished from her brain. She had a rotating set of hobbies, which mainly consisted of drinking, smoking, and crying. It had been the few darkest days of her life, almost as dark as the aftermath of her departure with Dave.

She understood that her new hobbies wouldn't help get any work done, but it was as if she couldn't control herself, like she was trapped in a bubble of despair and self destruction. The world felt empty and dark, due to the mysterious whereabouts of Kurt Cobain.

She turned around, and reluctantly turned the shower off. She just wanted to stay under the hot flow of water forever, and not worry. She grabbed the grey towel slung over the shower curtain, and wrapped it around her torso.

She climbed out of the shower, her feet pressing against the cool, tiled floor of her small bathroom. The mirror was foggy, thank god. She knew very well that she looked like she had just came back from hell, and seeing herself definitely wouldn't make her feel any better. She ran a comb through the various tangles in her hair, before exiting her bathroom. She walked down the short hallway, and turned into her bedroom.

She stopped in front of her dresser, and pulled open the second drawer. She retrieved a cream colored sweater, then shut the drawer. After, she retrieved a pair of black leggings from the top drawer, and her undergarments from the bottom. She changed at a slugs pace, not in a hurry, in a world far away of her own.

Her mind was in the gutter. She hadn't written anything for work in days, and she was losing contact with the outside world, only talking to Courtney sometimes. But she felt pathetic, too. It had only been four days, and she found herself spiraling out of control. She felt dependent on him; weak.

After finally getting dressed, she flopped down onto her unmade bed, and blankly stared up at the ceiling. She was tormented nonstop with wonders of what Kurt could possibly be doing, or where he could be. The private investigators hadn't brought very much progress. She knew they were trying, but she wished they'd push even harder.

She'd give everything away just to have his scrawny fame cuddled beside hers once again, or to touch his calloused hands. She missed every single thing about him.

The shrill of the telephone snapped her out of the storm of thoughts. She slowly sat up, and padded out of her bedroom, and down the hall. Her feet lazily slid against the hardwood floors as she moved slowly to the landline.

Her hand wrapped loosely around the phone as she brought it to her ear.

"Hello?" She asked, her voice cracking.

"Julia? It's Courtney."

On the other line, Courtney had the news that would shatter Julia to tiny pieces.

"They found Kurt's body."