everlong

no tears left to cry

The stun and disgust was still alive inside of me as I sat outside on the dirty sidewalk in a hunched over position. Courtney had to light my cigarette for me because I was shaking so badly.

The only sounds other than my deep breaths were the rush of passing cars and the classical music playing from a tiny restaurant across the street. "Sorry about your shoes," I muttered, cringing. "Oh doll, don't sweat. Its the least of our worries." She said, laughing darkly before taking a drag of her cigarette.

My brain was racing. I didn't understand how he could propose when we were still hung up on one another. I'm supposed to be the one with the ring on my finger.

"I fucked him on Christmas eve, Courtney." I admitted, hanging my head in shame. I saw her mouth fall open from the corner of my eye. "Are you serious?" I simply nodded.

"Well what the fuck is he doing? He shouldn't be getting married!" She yelled, throwing her hands up. "I wish I knew." I whispered. One tear triggered an absolute floodgate.

"Oh, Jules." She muttered, frowning as I sobbed. I hid face within my hands. She soothingly massaged my back, trying to calm me down. "I-I just don't understand!" I sobbed, gasping for air.

"He's crazy, Jules. You deserve so much better." She said to try and calm me down. But it didn't work, I found myself crying even harder. "Oh, doll.." She sighed, draping her arms over my shoulders.

My crying fit went on for an embarrassingly lengthy amount of time. Once all my tears had dried, I slowly stood up from the sidewalk.

I dusted my backside off, and fanned my eyes.

"Hey, are you ok?" Krists voice said. I turned around. Him and Kurt were peeking out from the door. I nodded. He frowned as he approached me, and pulled me into a warm hug.

I nuzzled my face into his neck, shutting my eyes, and wishing that I could just disappear. After a long hug, I pulled away, and took his hand. "I know it hurts, but you're so much better than him." He said softly, lightly stroking my knuckles.

"But he's all I wanted, deep down." I muttered, feeling more tears fill my eyes. He frowned. "Julia, you do not want a cheater. Imagine going through all that shit again." He advised, raising an eyebrow.

I winced thinking, of the ticking time bomb I was. The memories all came back. Hearing that phone call, leaving Virginia, discovering I was pregnant.

Losing the baby.

I felt a pang of deep sadness. The tears suddenly gushed down my face. I felt Kurts arms wrap around me. I could tell they belonged to him from their thin, fragile structure. I shut my eyes, and rested my head on his chest, crying silently.

"It'll all be ok. I'll kill them both." He whispered, stroking my hair. I nodded and wiped my face. "We're gonna go inside." Courtney said, dragging krist along. It was just Kurt and I.

"Do you want to calm down before we go back inside? We'll call the whole party off if you want." He offered, lightly dabbing a tissue under my eyes. I sniffled and shook my head no.

"No, I'm just gonna hang out with Fran in the other room." I said. He cocked an eyebrow upwards. "Are you sure?" I nodded. "Ok, well, I'll still come in and check on you." He said.

I smiled weakly, and kissed his cheek softly. "I love you, Kurt. Thanks for being so good to me."

"You deserve it."