everlong

the one that got away

December 18th, 1993
Denver
"Virginia and your sister are coming to LA for Christmas with us, correct?" Rosie asked me, playing with the split ends of my brown hair. "Correct." I replied, smiling slightly. She's really excited for the holidays. My mom and sister, Lisa, are coming here for the holidays, which is a change from me usually flying out to Virginia at this time of the year.

Sure, I was anticipating Christmas. It's usually stress free, and a great opportunity to grow closer to loved ones, but it makes me sick to my stomach, all at once.

On December 25th, it will mark one year since Julia and I fell heart broken on a day that was supposed to be full of bright grins and laughter. Whenever I think of her, I feel utter pain. She's the one who got away.

Imagining her spending Christmas alone makes my heart break into a million tiny pieces. She only has Kurt and Courtney, and I know she'll say something like, "no, I can't intrude on your holiday!" If Kurt or Courtney asks her to spend the day with them.

She'll be alone, and its all my fault.

Imagining when I nearly striked her in the face at Unplugged is nightmare fuel for me. This was no accident, I consciously tried to hurt her. We haven't spoken since that night.

I regret it with my whole heart.

December 25th, 1993
"Please just come over, Julia. You can't spend Christmas in your apartment, all alone." Courtney begged me over the phone. "I'm perfectly fine! I couldn't intrude on your Christmas like that. Aren't Kurts mom and sister there anyways?" I insisted, raising my voice. "Yes," she sighed. "They won't care if you come! You've been amazing to Kurt and me."

I rubbed my forehead, feeling exhausted and frustrated with this argument. "I love you two, but I can't come over. It would be rude of me." I muttered, looking down at my feet.

"Fine. I love you too." She then hang up.

Truthfully, this is a day where I need to be by myself, in complete solitude. Today marks a year since I discovered who Dave really was; a deceiving liar.

It's stupid, I know, to still be mourning a messy-breakup an exact year later. But he broke my heart.

My plans for tonight are to listen to my records and get drunk. Even saying the plans to myself sounds pathetic. I feel ashamed over my reservations for tonight, but I don't have much else to do.

I don't want to be with anyone tonight.

Dave's P.O.V
Laughter filled the living room as my mom said something that earned a bubbly laugh from Rosie. Merry Christmas by the Ramones was playing, but was overshadowed by all the noise in the room.

"We need more wine, David." Lisa shouted to me, giggling. "I think you've had enough." I joked, picking up my keys. "I'll be back." I whispered to Rosie, kissing her. She smiled that beautiful grin of hers.

I walked out to my car and got in, starting the engine quickly, and backing out. The drive to the local liquor store wasn't a far one. It was only about a 4 minute drive.

I pulled into a parking spot right in front of the tiny store, and hopped out of the car. I walked across the road, and into the store. The bell on the door jingled, alerting the store clerk to look up from his magazine. "Hey. Need help finding anything in particular?" He asked. "No thanks." I said, smiling politely. He shifted his attention back to his magazine.

I walked down one aisle, searching for chardonnay . It wasn't in that aisle, so I went to the next one. I found it as soon as I entered. I looked the other way for a second, nearly looking away, but it was her.

Her curious blue eyes were focused on the bottles of alcohol in front of her. She was wearing a baggy red sweater and a light washed jean skirt.

I worked up the nerve to call her name.

"Julia?" I called gently, afraid of what her reaction may be. She wasn't angry, or upset, she looked stunned to see me. "Hey." I said, getting closer to her. She smiled politely. "Hi." She said, clearing her throat.

We stood in a painfully awkward silence for few moments before I spoke up.

"I'm so, so sorry, Jules. I crossed a line at MTV unplugged. I was a complete dick to you." I apologized, feeling disgusted with myself as all the memories came back.

"Yeah..." She paused for a second, itching the top of her blonde head.

"Lets just forget it. Life's too short to hold a grudge." She said, shaking her head. "So, are you with Courtney and Kurt for Christmas?" I asked her, trying to stir up conversation.

"No, its just me and my computer. I'm getting an article done." She said, laughing slightly. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. She was working on Christmas.

"That's ridiculous. You should be relaxing." I said, snorting. "Writing is relaxing!" She argued back, shrugging. I bit my lip, thinking an idea. "Julia, do you wanna come to my place for Christmas? I know that you'll do that stupid shit where you say you don't wanna 'intrude', but I insist. My mom and Lisa are there. They love you, and they miss you."

Her eyes widened. I frowned, assuming that she'd politely decline, but to my surprise, she nodded her head Yes.

"Seriously?" I asked. "Yes. I'll come." She answered, her voice shaking slightly. "Alright, follow me." I said.

It felt surreal, almost dream like to be with her on the exact anniversary of our falling out, but it felt right.

I started to pull out my wallet to pay for the wine, but Julia stopped me, grabbing my arm lightly. The meaningless physical contact nevertheless gave me goosebumps.

"I'll pay." She muttered, pulling out a crisp 20. She handed it to the cashier.

I mouthed a thank you to her. She smiled back.

The cashier handed the bagged wine back to her. She thanked him, then left the store with me. She put the wine in the glove compartment, then relaxed into the passenger seat.

"How have you been?" I asked. This felt almost laughable. We had never strayed very far from one another since unplugged. It was impossible to avoid eachother, but we didn't talk or acknowledge eachother in the slightest degree.

"I've been ok. What about you?" She asked, slouching back into the seat.

"I've been fine." I answered. The remainder of the drive was pretty silent, excluding the sound of Queen blaring from my speakers.

Suddenly, a question popped into my head.

How the fuck is this woman in my car?