HeartFelt Poetry| 18+

Poem #38| Craved A Mother

TRIGGER WARNING

I craved a mother's touch
Someone to hold me in the dark
To listen to the thoughts inside my head
Tell me how to deal with them, to care
I begged for that caring touch, I heard
Mother's provided

My mother must have loved me
She must've cared, I engraved that into my head
That a long time ago, my mother loved me
I wasn't a possession, I wasn't a toy
I wasn't a trophy on a shelf
I wasn't a accomplishment she could brag about

My mother is bipolar, stuck between
Hate, Love & Control
Vile words leave her throat, constantly
She hates me, She loves me, Stop
She needs me, I can't abandon her
I'm nothing, I'm not her daughter

I'm fat, I'm beautiful
Loose weight, Stop starving
I am a Slut, No I am Not
Your not my daughter, I love you
I need you, Help me, Don't leave
Fuck off, I don't need you, your worthless

Over and over, the cycle repeats
Her words constantly engraved inside
My skin bubbling with depression
Something she didn't even believe
Yet she spoke it every day, when
She told me to let her lay down and die

She told me her life was pointless
Infront of her 11 year old daughter
She told me to let her die
Infront of her suicial 16 year old daughter
She told me I didn't love my family
I am sadly 18 years old

Is it the right I feel I have to, to stay
Take care of the mother who changed
Who's words cause wounds so deep
Tears constantly on my cheeks
Wondering what I should do

Run away, Stay, Leave and be happy
Your sisters, they need you
Get your life straight, your deserve it
YOUR SISTERS, don't let them suffer
Be free, fly and change like you deserve
Stay, suffer, cry, wilt...

I wonder what the love of a mom
Feels like it, Is it when she yells
When she calls me worthless for
Not doing what she asked
Is it when I help her from the bathtub
Naked as the day she was born
While she tells me to just let her fall

Is it when I cook supper for her children
Make everything presentable
Take her job into my hands, while she
Takes the credit like a selfish wolf
Smiling wide at the accomplishments
Somebody else did for her

Is it when she cries, softly alone
Allowing everyone to see, claiming
I hurt her, yet she never apologizes
For the pain she's caused me, yet I
Always say sorry because that's my job
As her child

Is it when her voice sounds so vile,
When she's screaming so loud
Your ears bleed, and you just want it to stop
When you start thinking vile thoughts
Yet later you wonder if she's okay

Is it the fact you have nobody else
She's your last parent, your dad never cared
Is it the fact once she's gone, your alone
Is it the fact she's the only one whose stayed

Even if her presence was purely toxic
Like swallowing posion whilingly
Letting your future rot, forgetting your
Dreams because SHE needs you
Yet you know she just wants to control you

Your birthday stopped making you smile
It was just another day, a reminder
That your future was taken away by
The responsibility you were given at birth

They say you must love you mother
You must protect her when it's time
You must give her the love she gave you
Yet did she every truly love you?
Yet you must sit there and watch her
Slowly kill herself with medication

Ignoring the doctor's orders,
Smoking cigarette after cigarette
Surrounding herself in smoke
Caffine turning her viens into mush,
The pain she speaks of all she knows

Pills after pills, addicted to tynoel and ibuprofen like it's a cup of coffee
Sleep, sleep, sleep like it's intimate
Does she see what she's doing
Maybe she's ready to go

One day I'll look in the mirror
Realizing I never had a mother
One day she'll be dead, and I will be alone
One day I will have nobody but the girl
In the mirror

One day
Till then I will cling to the only woman I've ever known
Even if she's a monster
Even if she doesn't truly love me
Even if I'm just a trophy
Even if I'm just under her control

She's my mother, what else do I do
One day I won't have her
But that was her choice, her addiction
Will kill her and she wants to die

Sadly I got to live with it.
I love you mom
Even if you will never understand
The pain I go through

I love you, even though I hate you
I love you, even though your weak
I love you, even though you've hurt me
I love you, even though you never understood

I love you mom, Forever.

Written By: Teha Brown aka WILTEDROSE213

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