DYSPHORIA

10. UN-

*kaeden pov*

"Hey Kaeden! Dinners ready!"

Sonya calls out as she rushes up to the doorway. Seeing her smiling face no longer brings the same amount of love and warmth as it once did.

Without saying anything, I go to stand. Instantly filled with regret as I can feel the pain only women are supposed to feel, surging through my body.

"You okay?" Sonya asks when she sees me and quickly moves to support me before I fall.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I shrug it off and force myself to stand up straight.

Come on Kae, be a man.
It's only for a few more hours.

Our family gathers around the table for taco night while talking about their first weeks of school and how their day has been. I watch each and every one of them.

Quietly forming my last memories to each of them in a silent goodbye. Vahn downs at least ten tacos before anyone else finishes three. He goes on about his workout in the part and this girl in the dorm who he's currently in love with.

Everyone then goes into their explosive conversations about crushes, lovers, and significant others.

A conversation I had no right to join, so instead I choose to say nothing at all.

Maisie speaks up about a beautiful girl she crossed paths within the showers but knows nothing of her name or origin other than the fact she goes to this school.

Noell laughs at this and says he had the confidence to talk to this hot guy in his foreign policy class. Everyone congratulates him with a taco cheer before continuing to go in the circle.

Cassie tells us of the best date she's ever been on with her long-distance boyfriend back in the Dominican Republic.

Sonya's story of the day involved a dramatic reenactment of her short tumble off a low bridge when she was trying to get a look at some wild turkeys without getting too close. It turned out the turkeys weren't wild they just escaped from the zoo. But that was unimportant because the zookeeper helped her out of the water and now she thinks it's meant to be.

And as always the conversation turns to me and I go to speak.

"Well today Finley..."

But my words go largely ignored when Maisie receives an email about her class changing and soon everyone's in a crazed fury, trying to search through their own emails to see if they got the same thing.

I'm the only one who doesn't check my phone because it no longer matters and poke my one and only uneaten taco.

"Sorry Kae, what were you saying?" Cassie brings the attention back to me and I gulp.

"I was just saying..." but I'm cut off once more by Vahn.

"Hey! Let's go out for drinks tonight to celebrate the first week of school coming to a close!" he shouts and everyone other than me agrees.

It's okay.
It's not like anything I have to say is important anyway.

With the thought of going out in mind everyone quickly works to clear their plates and get to work cleaning the kitchen. Noell and Vahn start fighting about something they find exciting while the girls go into their own space, getting ready together while listening to Africa by Toto.
Everyone starts singing together in synchronized happiness and tears work their way to my eyes. Not wanting them to see me cry, I start the dishes in the sink.

"Hey Kaeden! Aren't you coming with us?" Noell laughs out while singing.

"No, I don't think drinking is going to make me feel any better." I excuse myself and he shrugs.

They were finally gone, the apartment was empty, and I had never felt more alone.

[Suicide trigger warning]

I stop doing the dishes and wander into the bathroom. With ten snaps of the clasps on my binder, I can finally breathe. But when the rusty mirror says hello, the lumps I had despised reappear. Looking at it was so painful that I'm forced to turn away.

These stupid thoughts come back around. When Finley looked at me today, that wasn't admiration. It was disgust, that's why he left right after. I am a disgusting person who shouldn't exist.

But that's okay.
If I were to finish out my life sentence in this body, I would have to face it alone.

My friends wouldn't be here to support me forever, and supporting me is a burden they shouldn't have to face. They'll move on with their happy lives, find love, marriage, families. While I would remain alone. For the rest of my life.

Because no one deserves to deal with this.

The first two letters are UN.

I would be too much of a stress, of a burden, no one wants that in a partner.

No one wants to be with a trans man

L is the next letter and the word comes to my thigh before I make the final move.

If I die and come back in some form of reincarnated miracle, the least god could do is assign me male at birth. That way I could become the man I always wanted to be without the burden of false judgement placed upon me when the capital F is seen.

When I die, everything will be right again...

But what about Finley?
My friends?
The play?

The darkness starts to form small dots in my vision as the warm liquid crawls down my arm.

The rest of my life and what could have been flashed through my eyes.

No....

Not yet