DYSPHORIA

14. Unspeakable Burden

-finley pov-

Noell's tears soak through my t-shirt as he weeps into my shoulder while gently moaning Kaeden's name. There was so much pain in his soul when he said it as he coughs and sniffles that it was too much for him to bare. I hold him close as we sit on an uncomfortable plastic couch in the hospital's waiting room.

Doctors and drones were shouting as they clustered into Kaeden's room. Most shaking their heads with solemn looks as they exited.

"It's my fault," 

He says, breaking the long row of Kaeden's and bringing me back from just staring at the floor, unable to get the image of Kaeden out of my mind. 

"What are you talking about Noell? You didn't know," I try to give the generic excuse, still in a state of shock. Noell pulls away from me and wipes his face with the sleeves of his neon yellow sweatshirt.

 "Didn't you see his leg?" he asked and I gulp nervously, feeling my stomach twist when I think of the word he had carved into his thigh with a pointed blade before going into his wrist. 

"No," I try to lie but grabs my face and picks up my chin to look him in the eyes. The blue oceans were spilling over uncontrollably and I try to wipe away some of the tears.

 "You did, you can't tell me you didn't see it!" he gasps and pulls his hand over his mouth. 

"So I did. I don't see how it had anything to do with you. Maybe he was just had his heart broken without any of us knowing," I try to explain. 

But it was a stupid excuse for carving a single word into your thigh unless that word was branded in your soul with so much hurt it attached to it that you were bound to it. 

But someone had to brand him,

 and when I find him or her...

 "He likes you Finley, It's been a month and you haven't noticed?" He asks but now I was more confused.

 "Like me? What do you mean like me? Kaeden's a good friend of course he likes me," I pull back from Noell's pleading eyes.

 "Don't be stupid Finley!" He yells for the very first time and I stop, taking the time to listen to the words he was trying to say but it didn't make sense.

 "We did this to him," Noell repeats himself but I shake my head. 

"No...no it was only one night. I didn't it know then...I didn't know," I try to excuse myself and go to stand, but grabs the collar of my jacket. 

"If he dies it's our fault Finley, we made him feel this way. He thinks he's un-" 

I shove him back before he can finish the word which had no meaning to me before this day but now it will be forever ingrained in my brain.

 I stand up and try to think back to all the precious moments taken for granted. 

"No...it must be someone else. I would have known Noell. It was someone else. It had to be. I tried to...I tried but I thought...I thought," 

I turn away from Noell as I lose my breath from the panic that was taking my body over in full waves. I slowly look up to the doorway of Kaeden's hospital room.

 A flowy light blue curtain now covers the doorway so I couldn't see what was going on, but I could hear him flat line. 

The time of death would be called next. 

The doctors would come out and tell us they were sorry for our loss.

 Our friends would be devastated. 

"I thought he deserved better," 

Slips through my lips and into the air like a forgotten promise that could never be reclaimed. Another devastation to another family, more spilled blood would rest in my hands. 

I look down at my own hands to find Lei's blood still crusted on my hands and my white converse had now been stained by the murky water surrounding Kaeden. 

The ringing in my ears returns like a gentle bell allowing my surroundings to fade away. 

The deceased sound from Kaeden's monitors slows everything down as I stare at the curtain almost as if I was standing on the edge...about to fall. 

 The stretcher passes and the blue curtain rises, from it I watch the doctor comes out to face Noell and I. 

His face said it all.